Also check out KTDB'S VLOG

Sunday, December 29, 2013

New Years Resolutions 20-30 Somethings Should Make and Actually Keep

1) Stop obsessing about, and/or posting pictures of yourself, working out. It is great to be healthy but balance your workout regimen and still treat yourself.

2) Do something nice randomly for someone every day...for 365 days. Even if it is as simple as holding a door open for someone.

3) Have a more open mind. We all have our beliefs and views on certain things; but try to learn why others have the beliefs and views they do. Be accepting of those as well.

4) Don't overcommit. At times, we all think we are superman and think we can take on anything that comes our way. If you honestly don't know if you can follow through, don't commit.

5) Say yes to something or someone you normally wouldn't. Take a chance on a guy/girl that may not be your type. Go to the movie you really don't care to see. Think outside the box

6) Don't keep settling for the job you can't stand. Don't ever quit a job without having another; however actively look for something you really want to do if you think you are at a dead in in your career.

7) Don't be scared of looking "crazy" or "creepy". If you like someone or you feel like you have been mistreated, tell them how you feel. Even if they are unresponsive; at least you said it.

8) Think before acting. If you are mad at someone or something, take a minute, write it out in an email but don't send it. limit your knee jerk reactions.

9) Stop concentrating so much on your social media. Remember back in the day when your self worth was determined by YOURSELF and not how many "friends" or "followers" you have?

10) Along the same lines, if out with friends PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. I have a
"ratio" rule when out. If the percentage of people on their phones is greater than the ones that aren't; put the phones down.

11) Go out on a random weekday. It may be a work night, and you don't have to go balls to the wall; but work is stressful, why not grab a beverage with a friend after work on a Tuesday?

12) Limit complaining. If you don't like something going on in your life, fix it. Constantly complaining about it does nothing. Only you can control your happiness.

13) Be more empathetic. Put yourself in other's shoes this year, how would you feel in their situation? Try to relate and understand.

14) Stop overanalyzing. Sometimes situations are what they are. Take certain things at face value. If you are confused about something, ask.

15) If you have something on your mind...say it! Keeping things in will  not only drive you crazy, it won't fix anything.

16) If you have a hobby or a passion, make time to really concentrate on it. Not only will it take your mind of your mundane job etc; you may also learn this could possibly be your lot in life.

17) Be considerate of other people. Help more, offer guidance, BE ON TIME. Value others just as much as you want them to value you.

18) Get involved in a charity you are passionate about.

19) Stop using the excuse, "Well that is just who he/she is" if someone is always a complete ass. "That is who they are" is NOT an excuse for being a crap person. Don't try to change them but don't be scared to call them out and tell someone the way they act is not ok.

20) Mend relationships that may be tattered. Whether it be a family member or an ex; try and fix whatever has caused a riff in the relationship.

21) Throw your grudges out the window. If you can't mend your relationships, just stop caring and let bygones be bygones.

22) Do not have expectations. to EXPECT something out of someone or something will 99.9% of the time let you down. Have hope, but ever expect.

23) Stop worrying about how you look to other people. Worry about how you look to YOU. Confidence is sexy, the ones who mind don't matter and the ones that matter don't mind.

24) Manage your money. Easier said than done I know.

25) Follow your dream. 2014 should be the year of the dream. If there has been something you have always wanted for yourself GO AND GET IT. Don't give up, fight to the death and believe in yourself.

Hope everyone has a fantastic 2014!!!!!

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Girl Code and Bro Codes That Must Not be Broken

Girl code v guy code

There are many unwritten "codes" in the rule book of chicks and bros; however I am going to go ahead a write them down for all those who have been offenders of said codes and/or just need to know what could potentially be grounds for termination of friendship.

We will start with Girl Code...

1) Do NOT I repeat DO NOT EVER date/hook up with/be anything more than friends with your girls ex without asking permission. I would normally advise don't even go there at all; but if you think you truly have a connection with an ex of a friend, ask her first.

2) Do not repeat secrets one girlfriend tells you to another girlfriend. Even if you think you can trust that other chick; just don't do it.YOU were told something in confidence, it is not your place to tell anyone else. This is called gossip ladies.

3) Tell your friend when her "look" is not working. This may be hard at times but you are doing her a favor. Have you ever gone out and looked at a girl and wondered how her friends let her go out looking like that? Yeah, don't be that friend. Tough love.

4) Along the same lines as above, tell your girlfriends when they are ACTING a fool. Whether it be in her relationship, in the workplace etc; you, as a friend, are responsible for telling her she's being a hot mess. Again, you are doing a favor to her.

5) When she comes to you for relationship advice, don't automatically side with her. and say screw him. Hear her out; she may not being seeing signs that a third party sees SHE is doing.

6) Be honest with her and don't judge. Like the great Salt N Peppa said brilliantly, "There's only one judge and that's God. So chill and let my father do his job.".

7) KNOW HER TYPE before trying to be a matchmaker. No one likes awkward dates; especilly if she displays the, "Oh hell no you didn't" all over her face.

8) Don't go after a guy you are well aware has a girlfriend or wife. Would you would some hooker going after your man KNOWING he's attached? Didn't think so..

9) Do not even come close to remotely flirting with the guy she is currently involved with. You shouldn't even have his number in your phone. FRIEND ZONE IMMEDIATELY.

10) Be there for her always, no matter what; but don't let her rely on you for EVERYTHING.

Now on to Bro Code

1) See number one of girl code. Add in, don't ever have any communication with a former fling of your bro behind his back. Period.

2) Do not lend money to your guy friends. They are men, and if you are over the age of 24, they can figure it out. This will only cause turmoil in your bromance.

3) If your friend is hitting it off with a chick and you are stuck with her not-so-cute friend, suck it up and take one for the team. This doesn't mean you have to take her home etc. Just be a wingman; you never know when you'll need one.

4) Do NOT communicate in any form in excess to a chick your homeboy is currently dating. You want to sleep wth her and guys cannot have girl "frends" without passing that threshold and this is bad news.

5) If you know your dude is cheating on his girl, shut up. I know so many women would disagree with this but it is none of your business. The only time you have a right to say something to the girl is if you introduced them or you were friends with her before him.

6) Don't call your bro out about the other women he may be dating in front of the girl he is with at the moment. You make think it's funny; but you just threw that cat right under the bus.

7) If your dude friend is dating a girl you cannot stand; you absolutely have the right to tell him the reasons time. Don't keep bringing up how much you hate his girlfriend. He likes her for some reason; so if you have voiced your opinion before, lock it up.

8) Have his back always. Don't be that guy that stands back and watches his friend get ripped apart. This goes for any situation.

9) If your friend is diggin on a chick he saw first but she is clearly into you more; doesn't matter, leave her alone. Even if you kinda dig her too, find someone else. Too complicated.

10) Respect his privacy. If he doesn't want to tell you something going on in his life, don't push it. Guys are different than women in that when they are ready to tell you, they will. With women, we will get it out of our friends no matter what.

These are only SOME of the codes you mijos and mijas need to be following. Don't break the codes; you never know which coattail you will be able to ride so stay in good graces...

Monday, December 16, 2013

It's the Little Things in Life...That Annoy Absolutely EVERYONE

1) Elevator awkwardness. So we are going 29 floors…together; and it’s you and me...alone. Do I start up a conversation? Or awkwardly stand there pretending I'm on my phone? Even though we all know phones don’t work in elevators.

2) Traffic. Especially when you pass the point where it clears and there is absolutely NO REASON for the back up. You end up screaming expletives you didn’t even know you knew.

3) Agreeing with something you know you have to but completely disagree. Whether it be "happy wife happy life", or the entire board at work says yay and you think to yourself “this is stupid” (Vmeeks); but you can’t be “that guy/girl”. So you fake a smile then pull a Clark Griswold when they all walk out. “Kiss my ass, kiss his ass, happy Hanukah”.

4) Wet socks. There is absolutely nothing worse than the feeling of wet socks.

5) Excuses. The majority of people would respect others more by just admitting the truth. Also, 90% of the time everyone knows it’s an excuse. If you DO feel the need to make an excuse, make sure it’s at least plausible. “My grandma died” isn’t only a terrible excuse it kind of makes you look like a terrible person.

6) Jay cutler. Sorry this one is just for me.

7) The in between temperature when you don’t know whether or not to take your jacket off. “I am kind of hot right now, but if I take this off I am pretty sure I will be really cold.” SOMEONE JUST MAKE THIS FRIGGIN’ PLACE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE!!

8) People that will drive in a lane that is merging or the shoulder and cut you off instead of being a nice human being and waiting like everyone else.The feeling of knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to tell that person to GFT; is possibly the most helpless you will ever feel.

9) When you get 6 text messages from the same person in a row when they could have easily put all of what they were saying in one. If my phone dings and it’s you one more time…. (runs finger across neck with mean mug)

10) Unnecessary yelling. When girls walk in to see other girls and shrieking ensues=please put a knife in my eye.

11) People that take WAY too many pictures. I may actually want to have a conversation with you but instead you are more interested in taking a picture of our non-existent conversation and posting it on social media with the caption “Love hanging out with my friends!”. No, no you don’t you love taking pretend photos and posting them on the internet.

12) When fast food places get your order wrong. Most people don’t check before they leave so you open the bag when you get home, excited to eat your cheeseburger anddddd it’s a grilled chicken sandwich. There are very few feelings in the world as bad as that very feeling. You are not going to go all the way back and if you do you look stupid; so you yell and mope then eat the chicken.

13) When people speak on subjects they know nothing about. You don’t even know the name of the Vice President of the United States; stop acting like you know Paul Ryan’s financial plan. No, he’s not the quarterback for Atlanta, that’s Matt.

14) When other people join a conversation that you are having with someone else and give their unsolicited opinion. This`is an A and B convo bro, so BYE FELICIA.

15) When your phone says 10% then shuts off….um you said 10% which means I have enough time to at least send a few texts and get to a charger and now you totally killed my vibe.

16) When people in the express/self checkout line have more than 20 items… It is CLEARLY stated on the sign 20 items or less; and in case you’re wondering, express means FAST. If you are feeding a family of 10 for the month, get in the regular line.

17) When you just can’t remember something you know you know and you will not rest until you figure it out.

18) When a bar is out of your favorite beverage. You are a bar…this is what you do…get it together.

19) Those adult proof packages electronics come in. I can’t cut you, I can’t tear you, how the hell am I supposed to open you?!?! Chainsaw.

20) People that bring food that smells like crap to eat, at work, on an airplane, in a car etc. I love my ranch Cornuts but I am a respectful so I refrain when around others in a confined area. So please eat your curry garlic shrimp dinner before.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

35 things ALL women do/have done more than once in their lives...

1)      Not washed our hair in 4 days and just keep using dry shampoo until we could basically grease a pan with our hair.

2)      Sat and learned the lyrics to a really hard rap song by listening to it over and over and over again so we can impress people with our rad rapping skills.

3)      Brushed teeth, hair, done our make-up, changed complete outfits, and maybe even put in a tampon all while driving.

4)      Sat in front of the mirror for hours on end trying to get our eyebrows just right…then realize we no longer have eyebrows.

5)      Sat in front of the mirror and just stared. Dreading the getting ready process and mentally preparing ourselves.

6)      Have at least one special pair of “sex underwear” and this also goes for “that time of the month” underwear.

7)      Painted over our already painted nails because we are too lazy to take it off and re-do it. At about the 5th coat it’s easier to peel off than to use polish remover.

8)      Got motivation to go to the gym because of the hot guy that goes at 5:15pm every day…sharp.

9)      Learned the choreographed dance to a popular song…and not just in high school for dance/cheer. Just out of boredom; and to show off our sweet moves.

10)   If no one is going to see/touch our body…we leave the razor be until it gets too much.

11)  Known the difficulty and strategery in going to the restroom outside and trying not to get it on our shoes.

12)  Woken up before our man does to put a little make-up on to make it look like we just wake up looking that good…

13)  Driven by our crushes/boyfriends house, place of work etc to see if his car is there. Then not really do anything with the information; but we get giddy just by seeing his car.

14)  Instead of eye make-up remover, our fingers work just as well to take off mascara.

15)  Have a unique mirror face when we are putting finishing touches on hair/make-up about to walk about the door.

16)  Went out on a work night wearing work clothes, had a sleepover, and wore the same thing the next day; praying no one will notice.

17)  Logged in to our friends Facebook account to stalk an ex we blocked.

18)  Made a friend take down a picture they posted of us because we look like death.

19)  Been late to something because we weren’t sure if we “had to go”…if you know what I mean.

20)  Belted out a girl power song in your car that reminds us of our cheating ex; and lose your voice because of it. Example: Carrie Underwood’s “Undo it”.

21)  Have tried any and everything to plump our lips.

22)  Gave a guy a fake name but right phone number while out then get really confused when he texts us saying “It was nice to meet you Sasha” ….??

23)  Not remembered a guys name and when you see him out again you introduce your friend so he can say it again…then get even more frustrated when he says “Nice to meet you” UGH SAY YOUR NAME!!!

24)  No toilet paper…improvise

25)  Not gone out because of a monster blemish…even though no one really notices…but you do.

26)  Bought lingerie you have never ever worn…and probably won’t ever wear.

27)  Wondered why that red lipstick looks amazing on your girlfriend but makes you look like a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras.

28)  Worn shoes we want to throw across the room and burn at the end of the night…but they looked really hot....and we will endure the brutality again and again

29)  After a few drinks looked through our phones thinking “hmm what dude can I text right now”

30)  If anyone comes to our house/apt and it’s messy; everything goes in the closet or under the bed. 

31) Thought your friends boyfriend was hot. 

32) "Accidentally" texted your plans for the night to a dude then pretended it was meant for your girlfriend.

33) Running out of your make-up one product at a time makes you want to die. 

34) Have done the "friend-off"..."Oh hey Sarah, this is Joe!" .....later Sarah and Joe....

35) Had an emotional breakdown out of no where...hopefully not in public

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

20 things women do that men can't stand

After talking with several dudes, and observing some of these myself, these are a few things us as women need to think about before doing.

1) Wearing too much make-up. A couple reasons why this annoys men. First of all they really do like what you ACTUALLY look like so no need to cake it all over your face, you look like a tranny. Also, your face gets all over their nice white work shirts if you give him a hug. This goes for too much tanning too...take it down a notch snookie.

2) Repeat things over and over. This goes for stories you tell him AND things you tell him to do. Now, if your man is like my dad who legitimately forgets things; disregard this. He will most likely do what you tell him in a timely manner IF you give him a time frame. If you don't tell him when you need it done, he will do it on his time, and that's your fault.

3) Interrupt them during a game on TV. If you are a sports fan too, you totally understand this rule. Those who don't, if your man is watching game at home, do NOT ask him what he thinks about your new shoes during third and goal; he will want to stab you in the eye with that heel. If he's out watching with guys, do not call or text him. Wait until half time if it's something very important. If it's not, leave him be.

4) Vagueness. This makes men want to jump off a bridge. BE CLEAR in what you are trying to communicate with him. Just as we get annoyed with their short answers, they get annoyed with us not telling them exactly what we are trying to say. JUST SAY IT.

5) Not being open to hang out with HIS friends. The fact he wants to bring you around his friends anyway is a good sign. Don't always make him hang out with yours. Even if you think your friends are cooler than his, try getting both groups together.

6) Being lazy. Guys HATE when they come home and see their girl in the same place they left her. Get up, find a hobby or do the dishes...(just kidding ladies)

7) Lengthy texts, emails, notes. Guys have a short attention span and when you are texting him 37 times in a row to explain a story or "get something off your chest". He will not read them. Keep it short and to the point.

8) Lack of confidence. This is a HUGE turn off for men. Don't fish for compliments, don't throw a tantrum when you are getting ready and you feel gross in everything; be confident. Even if you are miserable with your life, fake it. You might start to actually believe it.

9) Not taking care of yourself. We're all familiar with the term "letting yourself go"; even if you have been in a long term relationship, act like every day is the first time you met him. They don't expect you to look like a supermodel; just don't stop doing what you did to hook him in the first place.

10) Gossiping to them. They reallllly don't care who Jane hooked up with last night, unless it was you. Leave that for girl time.

11) Giggling uncontrollably at everything they say. They want to know you think they're funny, but when it looks like you are going to spontaneously combust because of your annoying laughter; that is over the top...and weird.

12) Saying "fine" when you're not.

13) Acting like a diva. We all have moments that we are somewhere and we would rather play in traffic than be there. Don't be a B, or act like you are "too good" for whatever it is you are doing. Even if you hate it, make the best of it and do it for him. There may come a time you want him to go with you to a Selena Gomez concert......if he hasn't already gone **Matt Marmaro

14) Not trusting him when he has done nothing to lose your trust. Innocent until proven guilty. Don't go through his phone, email, ask who he was talking to every time he gets off the phone. Now if you suspect something, refer to future blog "How to catch a cheater."

15) Being needy. He is not your keeper or babysitter. It is not his job to do EVERYTHING for you, so don't expect him to. You're more than capable of going to the store alone.

16) Judging other women. This comes off as insecure and a sign of cray cray.

17) Comparing them to your ex. Your ex is an EX for a reason. Also, talking about your ex too much. Just as much as we hate it, they hate it too.

18) Being consistently late. If you run late more than 3 times for something, he is going to start to get mad. Value his time just as much as you expect him to value yours. Guys if you know this, tell her whatever it is starts an hour before it actually does.

19) Talking about marriage. They aren't your Pinterest board. This gets incredibly annoying to them ESPECIALLY if you are near the time he may put a ring on it; never ever ask for the ring. Worse, talking about marriage when you only have been dating 2 months.

20) Bad hygiene. Self explanatory.

Monday, December 2, 2013

15 texts women hate getting from men

1) "Hey/yo" by itself. Ummm hi? What exactly is it that you want?

2) "Sup" first of all you can't take time to write out WHAT'S UP? This isn't "fly" it's stupid and you sound uneducated.

3) "Where you at?" You ended a sentence in a a preposition first off; secondly what are you going to do come to where I am sans invite? Where you AT?

4) "Come over" uh don't tell me what to do bro. How about you ask politely? I'll come over if I want to come over. You're not the boss of me.

5) "Cool" I just told you my plans for the day and you're saying cool? Guess this conversation is over.

6) "What are you wearing" unless he is gay and truly wants to know what you are wearing, this is so annoying and chances are we are in our PJs.

7) "Send me a pic". Of what? My hand? Don't worry we know what you mean and some women may actually do this; but most will think you're a perv and you may get your pic but be careful because it might not be what you had in mind sweetheart ;).

8) Starting off a text convo with an emoticon. USE YOUR WORDS. This is a very awkward text to respond to from a woman's perspective.

9) "Let's meet up later" ok, likeeeeee how later? Is this a date or a chill with a group thing? Or a "I want to hang out after I get done partying with my boys" thing? We need to know if we are making actual plans or if this is a maybe situation.

10) "ha or haha" Unless we said something legit really funny, this is an unacceptable response.

11) "You awake?". No

12) "Yeah". I'm glad you are so enthused about this convo...

13) If you initiate a conversation and then take hours to respond to OUR response to your text. What was the purpose of you texting me in the first place?

14) When men ask "what are you up to" and we respond with "not much and you" and they reply with something like, "going to the gym" with NOTHING else to follow. Again, what was the purpose of this text? Are you really that concerned with what I am doing at this very moment?

15) "K".............................................I can't

Friday, November 29, 2013

20 things single women hate

1) Any kind of "shower" other than the one to wash your hair. Baby, wedding, bridal, couples...ugh

2) Having to drive everywhere. Being single, you don't have a guy to drive to places and save you gas money.

3) The front of your fridge full of nothing but wedding invitations; and not knowing whether or not to check "and guest" because you are not sure if you can find a date.

4) Not getting presents for any other reason but Christmas and your birthday.

5) Having to lift heavy objects; or worse, move.

6) When your coupled friends say "we" instead of "I".

7) Not getting "it" on the reg.

8) 3rd wheel, 5th wheel, 7th wheel, and so on and so forth

9) Buying vegetables. You have to eat a family servings worth of asparagus in 3 damn days before it goes bad. That also goes for cooking for one in general.

10) Checking out at the store and having 3 items: a frozen dinner, a bottle (or 2) of wine and tampons. A little piece of your soul dies when you realize tampons are the most expensive item; and when the checkout person looks at you like they feel sorry for you.

11) Having to spend your hard earned money on gifts for other's happiness and getting nothing in return.

12) The question "Why are you still single?"

13) Family gatherings when you are the only one sans significant other; and the 3rd degree that follows.

14) The holidays

15) Rom-coms...unless you're having, "one of those nights"

16) When you have "girls night" with your girlfriends in relationships and they are on their phones the entire time and/or leave early.

17) Putting air in your tires.

18) Having to look somewhat presentable everywhere you go. You don't want to meet your future husband at the cleaners lookin' a hot mess.

19) When you don't want to get off the couch to get something and you realize you can't yell "hey can you do me a favor" and have to get it yourself. This usually results in just saying screw it, I don't need it that bad.

20) Everyone else who is not single and miserable like you.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

30 things women want men to know...

Disclaimer: Some content is adult only and although I try to shy away from racy topics, I think these really need to be addressed.

1) Not every girl in the world is Suzie Homemaker; some of us can't cook; but most are willing to learn if/when we need to care for someone other than ourselves.

2) There is a difference between "messy" and "dirty".

3) Not all women expect a relationship to blossom from a fling. Some even prefer it doesn't.

4) How much effort it takes to look good for YOU. Hair, makeup, nails, body hair maintenance. So do not complain when we take a long time to get ready. You like the natural look? We will give you the "natural" look and see how that works out.

5) We don't expect you to spend your life savings on dates. It's the thought that counts.

6) We do not "get off" from tampons.

7) We appreciate other women's beauty.

8) We are all crazy. So don't act shocked when this happens.

9) Nice guys don't always finish last.

10) Women want sex just as much as men; sometimes even more.

11) We are completely aware of your code "come cuddle" or "come over and watch a movie". Most women also use that same code.

12) We go to the bathroom in pairs/groups for multiple reasons. The top two are to talk about you and to borrow make-up.

13)  We WILL talk about our relationships in detail to our best friends, so get over it.

14) Most women are willing to pay; just don't expect us to.

15) We talk about as much gross stuff with our girlfriends as guys do. Maybe even grosser.

16) Sex should last a MAXIMUM of 45 minutes and a minimum of 15.

17) If you have a password or lock on your phone, you're hiding something and we will find out...refer back to #8.

18) Your "package", by itself, does nothing for us.....

19) We can't get away with jeans and a polo everywhere so if you ask us to do something, give us the proper dress code.

20) Most women hate talking on the phone as much as you do.

21) We like when other girls try to flirt with our men. Yeah we may seem pissed, but inside we are actually smiling that we have what someone else wanted. As long as YOU MEN don't cross the line.

22) Gym clothes/ casual basketball shorts and a t-shirt and hats are the sexiest thing a guy can wear.

23) We need our space too.

24) Fixing things for us; around the house, cars, is the biggest turn on.

25) If something is bothering you about a woman, no matter how petty, tell her. We would much rather know you loathe our perfume rather than break up with us randomly because of that.

26) No woman likes "69" one.

27) We spend a ton of money on our hair. Even though you may think it looks the same, you get what you pay for; go ahead send your girl to get a $30 cut and color and see what happens.

28) No matter what you say or do, if she is not attracted to you; you're out.

29) Women can have male friends without ever being sexually attracted to them. Men can't. Men have to get over the "I wanna sleep with you" threshold before they can be just friends with a female.

30) All women are different. We are not your ex, your mother, your sister. So if you have had a bad experience with women in the past, take a minute and get to know us.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Girl's Guide to Football: As Told by a Dude Bro

A lot of women love football; but how many of you get seriously confused during a game? I am going to break down a few basic things about the game for women to understand football a little better. I will address a few things you may be a bit confused about but is necessary information to know while watching a game with a dude; especially one you may be trying to impress ;).

1) There are 11 active players on the field.

2) There is more than 1 designated “Kicker”. The Kicker’s job is to kickoff, make the extra point and kick a field goal. The Punter who drops the ball and kicks it after the offense did not score and/or in field goal range. This guy is normally NOT the same guy as the kicker.

3) There are 4, 15 minute quarters in a game. After the second quarter is done; halftime.

4)A touchdown is worth 6 points. The “extra point” is made by the kicker. That is where the 7 comes from.

5) When you see a running back (dude with the ball the QB just handed him) run into a bunch of big dudes and think, “why did he just do that? He should have gone AROUND.” Well he can’t because that was the play that was called and the defense was able to see that.

6) Running back=one that runs with the ball. Receiver, or Wide Receiver=the one that catches a pass thrown by the quarterback. Tight End=dudes with nice butts...just kidding...kind of. This guy is used to block the defense but can also receive that ball. Usually a bigger, lean looking guy. Also, "line of Scrimmage" is where the players bend down to start the play.

7) 3 and out means the defense successfully stopped the offense from scoring and/or making another 1st down to continue their possession and possibly score. A "Down" is where the refs deem the ball down. There are 4 downs in a "set";if the offense can't go far enough to get another 1st down after 3-4 tries... They OUT sidenote: Unless the offense is really close to scoring or getting another 1st down, or being coached by Mike Leach, they will most likely punt after the third down.

8) If you wonder why they choose to give the ball to the other team when they have one more try, it is because if they try again on the 4th down and DON'T succeed, the other team gets to start out closer to the opposing teams end zone. A punt allows the offense to try to get the opposing team to start as far back as possible.

9) A "Pick 6" is when a ball is intercepted and run back for a touchdown by a defender.

10) When announcers say “Play Action” it means it is a fake play by the quarterback.

11)When you hear screaming from the quarterback on TV, they are actually relaying what they are seeing from the defense to the rest of the offense. If you hear “Kill Kill!” then more screaming, it means the original play they called isn’t going to work so they need to “kill” it and run another play.

12) That thing on the QBs wrist is a list of plays

13)  In the NFL you must have two feet in bounds and control (not floppin about) of the ball to have a completed pass and or touchdown. In college you only have to have one foot.

14)  It is completely legal to pull a ball carrier’s long hair.

15) Most football players don’t wear cups………..risky business

16)  If a team wins a coin toss and “defers”, this means that they will be kicking off for the other team to receive. In turn, they get the ball first in the second half.

17)  If you are at a game that is being televised and you are wondering why they keep stopping, it is for television time-outs…or commercials.

18) Pass interference can be called on offense and defense. Along the same lines, if someone moves before the ball is snaped it's one of the following:  False start=offense’s fault before the snap; Off Sides=defense’s fault.

19) On-side kick…Usually used if a team is losing and is trying to re-gain possession of the ball again after a scoring play. This is used instead of a kickoff after scoring. It is kicked diagonally and the end goal is for the kicking team to recover; but is risky because if the other team recovers, they get great field position.

20)  There are two parts to the NFL; the American Football Conference and the National Football Conference. These are divided in to 4 divisions; North, South, East and West. I won't go into who is where but Dallas is NFC East, Texans are AFC south.

21) Yellow flag thrown by the refs= penalty. Red flag thrown by the coach= coaches challenge (too long to explain look it up). If a ref throws his hat he is marking the spot he believes the ball was down. Each ref is responsible for a different part of the field; there are 7 of them.

22)  A “Blitz” is a defensive play where extra defenders are used to basically Tonya Harding the QB. So if you see a bunch of men charging the quarterback, that’s a blitz.

23)  The “pocket” is the wall of homeboys protecting the quarterback.

24) The Center is responsible for snapping (throwing the ball under his legs) the ball to the quarterback and then blocking.  #multitasking”.

25) The most common ref hand signals/penalties are: 'Touchdown'' or 'kick is good" Both arms straight up above his head. "Holding" the ref holds his wrist. self explanatory. "Pass interference", ref pushes both arms straight in front of him. He will then say offense or defense in which his arm goes either right or left depending on the call. "False Start" the ref rolls his arms in a circular motion like Tae Bo. "Off-Sides" the ref puts hands on waist. "Incomplete pass" ref waives his arms in front like "nu uh". "Catch", ref pulls both arms down like...a catch. "First down" ref's arm points to the defensive end zone. "Personal Foul", ref's puts arms above his head makes a fist with one then depending on who committed the foul, will point right or left.

26)  Last but not least for my girl Krystal Houle… the hottest QB in the NFL is Mark Sanchez; in college hands down West Virginia’s Clint Trickett. ;)

I could go on and on but this will do for now. If any of you ladies have any questions feel free to ask. For men, I didn't go in to too much detail so I know there is more to a lot of this just FYI. Happy Halloween :)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

How to Approach a Woman: And Not be Compared to Ted Bundy...

I know ya’ll are probably sick of my unsolicited relationship advice but you’re reading this blog soooo. This subject has come up quite a few times in the last few weeks and I thought I would try and break it down in writing because apparently, no matter WHAT women tell you men, YOU DON’T LISTEN.

 How to approach a woman. Sounds easy right? Guys think they have their game DOWN but I am here to tell you, you absolutely don’t. 65% of the time it works 100% of the time right guys? Some of you are on the right track and I applaud those who at least follow some of these rules. I am not guaranteeing if you follow these rules you will automatically take her home and/or find the love of your life because of my literary genius; all I am saying is that you will up that 65% chance to at least a 75% chance. Try it out and see what happens. These are some rules on how to APPROACH a woman when you see a girl you would like to meet in a social setting. Because let’s be honest, who actually meets people at grocery stores anymore?

1) Let me get this out of the way first. If she is not at least somewhat attracted to you within the first 3 seconds of talking to her, nothing you say or do will change her mind. She will take that drink you bought her, smile, may or may not say thank you and walk RIGHT back to her friends. I don’t know why men are so baffled by this concept. “What’d I do, what a B!”. First of all, it wasn’t anything you DID. Second of all, she’s not a B she’s just not that into you so move on. Please read the signs even though that seems to be a difficult task for men; you will know if she is initially interested in at least hearing what you have to say. Take a hint.

2) DO NOT wait for her to come to you. You guys think you’re so fly sittin’ there with your Jack on the rocks; you sip and throw up in your mouth a little because you hate whiskey but you think it makes ladies think you’re “manly”. I will tell you this, unless a girl is trashed, just broke up or going 7th grade style for a friend, she will not approach you. This is your job. You can try the eye sex thing and maybe send her a drink; but in the end, you need to walk up to her. You may think she’s smiling back at you but in reality she is sitting by her friends quietly telling them some creepy guy keeps looking at her. Also keep in mind you must be strategic during the approach; this is for her sake and yours. Wait until she’s alone. If she’s sitting with a bunch of girls you don’t want to make her friends feel bad; not to mention, do you want to get rejected in front of a table of women? Didn’t think so.

 3) If you see a pretty girl you would like to talk to, do not use a stupid “line”. Unless you are uber clever and come up with something that is just incredible, keep it simple. Example: NOT GOOD: “Is your dad a drug dealer because you’re dope” GOOD: “Hey what are you drinking? This drink is on me.” Do not start off an initial meeting with some stupid question like “My friends and I have a debate, who was the best Batman?” (even though if she does buy into this, which I would, and says anyone but Michael Keaton…out) This is clever, but regular girls will just think you are weird. Again, if she is not attracted to you, be prepared to spend 5 bucks on a beer and never see her again. You have about a minute window when the bartender is getting the drink and she may still be making up her mind. At that point, it’s crunch time so you better be smooth. A simple “I’m ___nice to meet you” will suffice, ball is in her court and if she is into you; she will then ask you a question. If it is silence from there on, bye Felicia.

4) If she asks you questions back make SURE to respond with a normal answer and ask HER an opened ended question back. Example, Her: “So where are you from?” YOU: “I am originally from Denver but I’ve lived in Dallas for a while, what about you?” DO NOT ASK if she is from Dallas; you could potentially get a simple “no” or “yes” and there goes that conversation. Also, do not tell her your entire life story…remember 1 minute. You will have endure a bit of small talk but if you are witty and confident it will go smoothly.

 5) Be confident and act interested. If she goes on about her life story she’s either genuinely interested or likes to hear herself talk. Either way, if you are still into it, act like you care. **NOTE: please do not get offended if she asks what you do for a living. This does not automatically mean she is a gold digger and/or trying to find out your financial stability. She is just making conversation this is a GOOD sign. So stop being so sensitive Kanye…

 6) When you pass the minute window and you guys are still talking about things, great; now you know she is interested in AT LEAST talking to you. If you get your drinks and she immediately walks away, ok she made up her mind and she’s over it. Now if you get your drinks and she says something like “It was really nice to meet you but I have to go get back to my friends” that isn’t always rejection. She may actually need to let her friends know she didn’t go MIA. At this point leave it alone. Don’t ask for her number etc. One thing you can do is say something like “It was a pleasure to meet you ___ hope to talk to you again”. OR if you gauge that she is really interested, you can ask her plans for the rest of the night. If she responds “Not sure, probably just hang out here” you have a green light to approach her again; but in a non-stalker way. If her response is “Well my friends want to go to ___bar so we will probably head over there”, your response should be “cool, if you want to get together sometime, let me know”. This is clear cut. She will either get your number or give you hers. If she says “ok yeah I will definitely let you know” she gone.

7) If you get her number (which is essentially the end goal of this meeting) tell her you will shoot her a text so she has yours as well. Do NOT call or text her anymore that night without her initiating the communication. Chances are she is tipsy and so are you; not a good time to ask her out on a real date. Now if she contacts you after asking your plans etc, you’re on your own on how you want to handle that situation and depending on your intentions, if you get the digits, disregard this rule. If she gets your number, you wait. You will absolutely know if she is interested in any sort of relationship if she texts you at all. If no further communication happens that night; text her the next day and tell her it was nice to meet her. If no response you are free to try again that night to ask her plans. If STILL no response, stop. Do not Facebook friend request her even though you probably already cyber-stalked her; and/or “follow” her on any other social networking site. This screams creepy. Checkmate.

 8) Last but not least, while during the initial interaction do not bring up the following: Ex’s, religion, politics, how much money you have, namedropping of any kind, the fact she may not be “your type”, and do not ask her age right away. That will eventually come out so don’t mention it until it is relevant to the conversation. The goal here is to be different than every other idiot that hits on her; make her remember you by actually being normal. Subtlety is key.

Oh, and one more thing...REMEMBER HER NAME!!!! If you have to repeat it to yourself 7 times, write it on your hand, tattoo it on your forearm...DO IT! The worst thing a guy can do is forget a girls name. We may forget yours, but you are absolutely not allowed to forget ours...#doublestandard

 It is actually surprising how many men think what they are doing works; and it may have once or twice. Don’t try too hard. Women can smell desperation from a mile away…that and a flat bill **cough cough Jamie Novak…Cheers!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Why LSU is the Most Overrated Team in the NCAA: Cold Hard Facts

**Disclaimer: If you are an LSU fan you may not want to read this because you will then have no argument. Also, I respect LSU as a team, and I am not speaking to their education program, this is just my opinion as to why LSU is the most overrated team in the NCAA.

So, I don't have some vendetta or grudge against LSU's football program. I just believe they get WAY more hype than they deserve.  I am not saying there aren't other teams out there that get more credit than they deserve; I just think LSU is absolutely NOT an elite football team, especially for the SEC. Also, there are teams that SHOULD get more credit (cough cough Texas Tech) especially because recruiting to a farm town is like choosing to live in Oakland. I am giving cold hard facts and feel free to argue all you want; but I have a feeling anyone that would argue me is an LSU fan.

I will get my smack talking out of the way first. Texas Tech fans are bad, I will say that. We throw tortillas at you whatever whatever. LSU fans are just plain vicious. If they are losing, or even worse winning, if you say anything negative about them they will rip your head off and eat you like a crawfish. I had an LSU fan one time call me a hmm what was the wording  he used? Oh yeah, a "skeleton faced swamp bitch". Which I found ironic being a LOUISIANA fan. Being a schizophrenic jerk is not a good look on anyone. If you are going to act like a moron at least have the talent to back it up. I will take heat from Pats fans even though I don't like the Pats; but they are an elite team so smack talk away.  Now on to the facts...

LSU has only won 3 championships one of which was in 1958 the other was under Nick Saban. The last championship WAS under Les Miles in 2007. I know people will argue, in my mocking voice, "Well how many championships has your team won?". Well fine, you're right however WE aren't hyped up to be one of the best college football teams in the nation. We are the kids in the back of the class doin' work and shuttin up. The next thing is, Since 2008 LSU has NEVER gone undefeated overall. Yes, in 2011 they did go 8-0 in conference; but that year they also lost to Bama in the championship game 21-ZERO. Also since 2008 their wins,besides gimme schools like Tulane, have never exceeded roughly more than 10  points give or take. If you are going to be considered "elite" I would think over the course of 5 years, there would be at LEAST one blow out with at least an equally as good or moderate team.

Now, let's compare LSU to Texas. Although the Big 12's glory days are over now, it was a force at one point. The last 7   years Texas has had some pretty tough schedules. Now did they play Bama and Georgia? No, but they definitely held their own against USC in the Rose Bowl in '06. Not to mention,(side note: I hate that statement because I will in fact mention) that UT has made appearances in the championship twice under Mac Brown; and the SOLE reason UT lost that year was because Mccoy got injured, yet the score was STILL 37-21. One of LSU's championship wins was with, debatably the best coach in college football; the other was Miles WITH Saban's players. Yes they did make an appearance in 2011 but like I said before, 21-0. Also, people want to say A&M is overrated. Ok, if you think joining the toughest conference in college football with a redshirt quarterback, beating Bama AT Bama then go on to an 11-2 overall and a 6-2 conference record (LSU went 10-3 overall and 6-2 conference) is overrated, you're trippin'. Give credit where credit is due (regardless on your personal opinion of Manziel).

Now on to the NFL...LSU has 44 active players in the NFL right now; you know who also has 44? Texas. Most of the players active from LSU are defensive players except for  Dwayne Bowe, Trindon Holliday and Michael Ford; they also have Matt Flynn but eh. But I will give them Bowe and Holliday and I will also give them Morris Claiborne because well, he is our CB. Do you happen to know what college team produced(s) the most NFL players? Miami. With 53 active players on the NFL roster, Miami (Atlantic Coast Conference fyi) has produced little names like, Frank Gore, Jimmy Graham, Andre Johnson, Ray Lewis, and the player formally known as Mousecop. Surprising in my personal opinion Cali is up there too. A. A Ron Rogers anyone? Marshawn Lynch? HMD! Shane Vereen? LSU does produce some NFL players however if you actually LOOK at the active players, they are 85% defensive and they all play for crap teams; besides Bowe, there is no denying that.

So all in all do I think LSU is a good team. Yes, and they pretty much always will be. BUT that is all they will ever be... is just good. So bandwagonners how about you choose a team you have no association with whatsoever that IS actually an elite team. Again, in my opinion you have a few options: Georgia, Alabama, Oklahoma and A&M. Oh and Texas Tech OF COURSE!!!!! I am sure I will get millions of reasons why I am wrong but these are not wikipedia facts; these are ACTUAL facts as to why I think LSU is good, but overrated.

Apologies to my LSU fan friends, who I will say are all very very smart and I love ya'll butttttt facts are facts.

PS: If you don't watch Key and Peele some of my comedic references will make zero sense to you. That is all.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Shamelessly Single

Why are you still single? Raise your hand single people if you hear this and immediately want to punch that person in the face. I swear if someone asks me this one more time they are getting an upper cut to the jaw.

Why am I still single? Don't you think if I knew the answer to this I WOULD'T be single? My answers vary when asked this backhanded compliment of a question. Sometimes I go with my "I keep telling myself this" answer; "I'm swept into the friend zone most of the time because I am a dude bro". Other times I go with my "please feel bad for me" answer, "Every boyfriend I have had has cheated on me so I am really picky". Then there's the "I don't need a boyfriend" answer, "I am so busy right now and I like being single". That one is half true; I really do like being an extent. I rarely give people the real answer, "I appear normal but in a relationship I am bat shit crazy". I have to elaborate on that and say I am not crazy if you don't make me crazy. Just saying.

I like the fact I can be picky and weigh my options. I also like the fact I don't have to answer to anyone or check in. Mostly I like it because I don't have to share my food with anyone. However being almost 30 and still single, getting wedding invite after wedding invite and having to bribe people to be my date at said weddings can get a bit annoying.

Being in a relationship can have its perks. You have someone to cook you things, especially because I don't cook. You always have a date to birthdays, dinners, weddings etc. You can finally have a legitimate excuse as to why you keep blowing off those stage 5rs. For me though, unless you can cook, block out Sundays for football, are not a Bears or Heat fan, have impeccable grammar, can verbally spar with me, have a job and be good at math; I am good on the relationship thing for now.

With social media being a platform for "happy" couples to rub their wedded bliss in all their single friends faces; the constant reminder of the fact you are probably dying alone is more prevalent than ever. Why is there so much pressure to tie the knot? Don't get me wrong I am super happy for all of my friends in a relationship, married etc.; but I am running out of people to pay off to be my date to weddings. I just want to chill, drink wine and eat cake; I don't need a husband to do that...obviously. For the girls itching to get married before their "biological clock" stops ticking; chill out for a minute because I guarantee once you get married, after a few years you are going to wish a magic genie would pop out and take you back to your single life, even if only for a minute. So bask in the glory of singledom, focus on you and relax.

I read recently that if a woman marries after the age of 30 it increases her earning potential by $18,000. I am not really sure where Yahoo came up with that but it's on the internet so it must be true...and awesome. So whenever someone asks me why I am still single, I am going to go with that answer. Now, after 30 I got nothin' but at that point it may be time for me to just throw in the towel... or continue to wait until Justin Timberlake gets a divorce...

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

You Know You're a Dallasite When...

Oh Dallas. I have lived numerous places but there's something about Dallas I just can't get enough of. When I moved to NYC I felt like I was cheating on Dallas because I was only going back for holidays. We have our ups and downs but in the end Dallas has always been my main squeeze. I've seen a lot of "you know you're from Dallas" lists, however I'm not "from" Dallas so I came up with 25 reasons you know you're a Dallasite to really make people understand the awesomeness that is living in one of the best cities in the world. So without further adieu...

You know you're a Dallasite When...

1) You complain during summer and complain during're only happy in the fall and sometimes spring.
2) You will in fact drive 10 miles out of the way to go to an Eatzies.
3) You know to never get gas in uptown...however it's closer and easy so you do it anyway
4) You have a Happy Hour every night of the week and sometimes they turn into happy hour(s).
5) Someone invites you to go out in Las Colinas, Addison etc. and you look at them like they're crazy to ask such a question. Forget about Plano and Frisco.
6) You pack an overnight bag to go to Fort Worth...and that's only for special occasions.
7) Your friends that do live far use your house to kill time because they don't want to drive back to nowhereville.
8) You calculate your night out around when the stores stop selling booze.
9) You have brunch at 2 or 3 or 4:00pm
10) Katy Trail Icehouse....
11) It's not patio weather and you have no idea what to do with yourself on a Saturday.
12) Frankie's closed and you lost a little piece of your soul.
13) UBER
14) Your friends say "meet somewhere on McKinney" and you all go to the same need to specify.
15) You've yelled at a cabbie at least twice...morons
16) You've cursed out the construction on 114 more than once
17) You go to great lengths to avoid 635 rush hour...even stay at work longer.
18) There's always one person in your group who HATES the bar everyone else wants to go.
19) You have strategic, special ops-like plans for OU Texas weekend, St. Patricks day and cinco de mayo.
20) During the summer, you find a matter what.
21) You still defend the Cowboys until the death.
22) You hold on to the Mavs Championship for dear life...(sorry still a Spurs fan)
23) You stand and wait until the walk sign flashes...even if there are no cars.
24) Even if valet is overpriced, you do it anyway...
25) No matter where you move or how far you'll always find yourself back in the big D....

Monday, August 26, 2013

RIP Society...

“What.the.expletive.” These three words pretty much summed up how everyone felt during last nights train wreck that was Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance. That quote was taken straight from a girlfriend of mine who always has a brilliantly unfiltered opinion on hot messes; unfortunately due to the shock and horror of last night, this is all she had.

No, that was not an earthquake you felt at 8:30pm CST August 25, 2013; that was the implosion of Miley’s career and the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. There wasn’t just one moment of unbridled terror during this performance; the entire performance left you questioning what you know is right and needing a shower. What happened to that cute little blonde girl who embodied wholesome we all knew? Well, it’s apparent she shaved that blonde hair right off and “wholesome and cute” are now the antithesis of what Billy Ray’s meal ticket has grown up to be.

Forget the sedated teddy bears that looked like they just took a couple pulls from Lil’ Wayne’s cup backstage, the enormous background dancers and that poor foam finger…that poor, poor foam finger; can we focus on the fact this girl is 20 years old? Yes the performance was strange but if Lady Gaga came out and did that, it would be tame for her. However this is a girl that started out as Hannah Montana, blossomed into the perfect Nicholas Sparks heroin, then hopped on the train to trash city. PAGING BILLY RAY CYRUS AND MRS. BILLY RAY CYRUS… anyone? Bueller? Your daughter is embarrassing herself and you on national television. As if Achey Breaky Heart wasn’t embarrassment enough for the Cyrus clan. Someone needs to reel this girl in pronto before she ends up on the main stage…not the good kind. If she wants to be a D squad stripper while dancing with Molly; fine, just don’t force that crap show upon us.

My question isn’t the decisions Miley made for that performance, it is with the people who SAW that dress rehearsal. Any person in their right mind would watch that and cringe. Did they not want to speak up? Did they speak up then get shot down? Or does everyone around Miley have a contact high?  Either way, her publicist should be fired and exiled to bad publicist island where Paula Deen and Lance Armstrong’s publicist are sipping roofy coladas. I also take issue with Robin Thicke. Robin, seriously? A) You probably have syphilis so go get checked, B) she could be your daughter. Would you want your daughter looking like Courtney Love’s spawn on national TV rubbing up on a married man? Didn’t think so, karma’s a bitch though you may want to adopt. Just saying.

All in all I never thought I would say this but Miley Cyrus is exactly what's wrong with society. Everything about last night makes me realize people really are as dumb as I think. The fact this idea for a performance not only got passed through conception, but was carried full term without ANYONE speaking up, is absolutely absurd. I am anxious to see the backlash of this but in the meantime Miley, as we say in the south, bless your heart...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The "Digi-Generation": 10 Rules of Online Dating

As we all know we are living in the digital age. Almost everything we do, besides sleep and well that’s all I got; uses some kind of technology. As much as no one likes to admit, even dating has taken the leap over to 2013. Although the, “I am probably going to get serial killed by the date I met online” stigma has dissipated, the actual act of online dating isn’t something we are screaming from the rooftops. With the newest dating site, Tinder, it has become easier to accept the fact we can’t interact with human beings anymore so we go on the net to hopefully land Mr. or Ms. Right now.

Is it the anonymity that attracts our generation to this certain site? Or is it the fact we all have become so dang lazy we can now just reject someone with a swipe of a finger? Whatever it is, I think we should all embrace this with open arms and thank the masterminds behind online dating. I mean, you can literally judge someone by their looks, see if you guys know the same people AND reject them based on the above, all from the comforts of your own home sans conversation. The less small talk the better.

That being said I have come up with 10 rules of online dating EVERY ONE should follow if you decide to partake in trying to find “the one” via the interwebs. These rules will help you find the right date and hopefully keep your profile from being screenshot and sent to girlfriends in a group text message so we can have a good laugh on you. These aren’t just for men but, for obvious reason, I don’t see many girls’ profiles.

1) Do not use a picture with a friend that is better looking than you as your default. It is ok to put it in the group of pictures you do use but not as your first one. I joke that I want another option besides yes or no to be “no to you but who’s the guy on the left?”. You want the girl to notice you first. Also, use a picture that is actually you…
2) Along the same lines, do not use pictures in which you are: drinking, smoking, with a bunch of girls, with an ex, wearing sunglasses in every one, doing activities where you aren’t in the picture, shirtless and flexing, looking like a pedophile, taking the picture of scenery. Girls that are online dating want to make sure they won’t wake up raped and murdered so try and use pictures that flatter you. You want a date right? Why do you think a girl would be privy to go out with you if she already thinks you’re a tool before even talking to you?
3) Keep your profile simple. There is no need to write your entire life story out. Plus, you are already online dating but you have time to write a novel? Not a good look. Profile should consist of: age, location, occupation and if you have ever been convicted of a violent crime. The last part is optional.
4) Always reach out to her. Don’t let her reach out to you. Now, if she does, ok but you, as the MAN, need to pursue her and initiate the communication.
5) Do not ask her for her number right away. I will reiterate, we don’t want to die so we are going to feel you out in a safe environment before agreeing to divulge any personal information. Talk for a bit and if she seems interested ask her to meet. This will allow you to see if she is ready to meet you, and/or if she feels comfortable enough to give her number. If she says she wants to talk more before meeting THEN ask for the digits.
6) DO NOT lead in with a perverted comment. It saddens me to even have to address this but it happens all too often. She won’t think you’re funny or immediately fall for your “different” approach. She thinks you’re a pervert just don’t. Stick to old faithful like “Hi, you are very stunning” or “Hi I am John nice to meet you”. Also, NO EMOTICONS. None.
7) If you get the number, don’t abuse it. Text her your number and step off. She will lead the conversation so just go from there.
8) Once you get her to agree to meet, pick a PUBLIC place. If I had a dime for every guy that asked me to come to his house…yes because that is exactly where I want to meet a complete stranger; in his own home? Try to keep it as normal as possible.
9) Do not have intentions other than to actually date. That’s what Craigslist is for. Keep it classy.
10) Last but certainly not least…if you are in a relationship STAY OFF DATING SITES!!! Again, it pains me to have to address this and the fact men can be complete morons stuns me. This is how you get caught, plain and simple. If you go on to a dating site such as Tinder and create a profile; it is location based. Even if you don’t pay attention to rule #9 and only use it when you go out of town; you do realize when you get home your profile will show up if other women are around your location and get on Tinder, right? If your boyfriend or husband just ran out of the room ladies…follow him. On the same note if you do meet someone and go out a few times with them give the dating site a rest. Concentrate on one and if it doesn’t work out then get back on that horse.

Although online dating is extremely superficial, it can actually be very effective. Dudes try this out and see what happens. I bet you get a lot more right swipes this way…

Monday, August 12, 2013

"The Crazy Test"

Throughout my years as a girl, yes all 28 of them in case anyone had their doubts; I have experienced my fair share of craziness. Both on my side and others’; however lately it seems as though someone put crystal meth in the drinking water down in Texas and everyone is one card short of a full deck. Thankfully this time I am not the one off my rocker.

 I can’t exactly wrap my brain around the fact it takes being an a-hole to get people to knock off the crazy. Do you not hear/see the things you are doing and saying? Some people should legally have to pass a written exam before they can have any kind of human interaction. Men, if you text message a girl 45 times sans response, she is just not into you; and possibly looking into a restraining order. Ladies, if you only talk to a guy on the weekends or past 2am… let’s just say he’s not into you for your witty comments or bubbling personality.

 So, this has all lead me to create a “Crazy Test”. I feel as though people should administer this test before getting into a relationship. Feel free to use this for your own personal use at anytime.

1) Which of the following is NOT acceptable text behavior?
a) 2:00pm “Hey what’s up”
b) 5:15pm “How was your day?”
c) 1:00pm “Hey what’s up?” 1:15pm: “What you doin” 2:45pm: “wanna hang out” 5:00pm “where are you?” 7:00pm: “Ok, guess you’re busy” 8:46pm “So is that a no to hanging out?” 9:32pm: “I guess I should take the hint” 11:04pm: “This bar is raging you should come out” 12:15am: “I want to see you” 1:55am: “Ok guess you are out with another guy” 2:12am “I am going home if you want to hang out” 2:45am: “I really like you and I don’t know why don’t want to hang out” 3:15am: “Fine whatever I’m done” 12:01pm: “Hey what you doing"
d) 11:30am: “Hope you’re day is going well so far!”

 2) In your opinion, after a good date, how long do you wait to reach out to the person again?
 a) 1 day
 b) 1 week
 c) 30 seconds
 d) 3 days

3) Which of the following most resembles your behavior after being dumped?
a) Let the other know you “wish them the best” and move on
b) Cry into your pillow for two weeks then move on
c) Stand outside their window with a stereo over your head playing Bruno Mars “When I was your Man”
d) What’s being dumped?

4) When in a relationship which movie character do you mostly resemble?
a) Noah in the Notebook
b) Patrick Bateman in American Psycho
c) Ron Burgundy in Anchorman
d) Peter Parker in Spiderman

5) How many “selfies” do you estimate you have taken in your lifetime, and posted to a social networking site?
a) 1-10
b) 10-20
c) 20-50
d) I lost count
e) What the hell is a “selfie”

6) Which of the following would you be most likely to do while pursuing a potential mate?
a) Give them compliments and do sweet things
b) Show them your collection of bobbleheads
c) Tell them all about how your last relationship was devastating
d) Send them pictures of yourself…whatever part of the body you find most appealing

7) When someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your preference) approaches someone you are dating while you’re with them, you…
a) Stand back and let them talk
b) Put your hand on their back or leg and smile
c) Start a bar fight
d) Find the next hot guy/girl to talk to as well

8) If you get to know a person then realize the relationship isn’t going anywhere you let them know by
a) Ignore their existence all together
b) Send them a text saying It’s not going to work
c) Call them and/or meet them and let them know you aren’t feeling it
d) Show up where they are and make out with another person…they’ll get the hint then right?

9) Your last relationship ended because
a) You cheated
b) They cheated
c) You both mutually realized you were better friends
d) Relationship?
e) Other If other, please explain:

10) Have you ever been convicted of a felony/ do you consent to a background check? I will be running one anyway regardless of your consent…
a) Yes
b) No
c) Well I wasn’t convicted

 This “Crazy Test” is the perfect way to gauge whether or not your potential suitor will kill you in your sleep or be relatively normal. Everyone has their moments; but there ARE people in this world that should reside behind padded walls. Ain’t no one got time for that…

Friday, July 26, 2013

Now a Little Advice for my Ladies....

Since I did a blog giving all you men out there some unsolicited relationship advice, I figured it is only fair to help my fellow ladies out as well. Now, let me preface this by saying I am still single and in no way do I take my own advice but all of you should. I am actually a very great person to be giving said advice due to my many failed relationships and learning exactly what I did wrong. So here you go ladies...

1) Give him a chance. I know many of you know what you are looking for and that's your story and you are sticking to it. However, there is a reason why none of your relationships have worked out with the ones you "thought" were right, correct? If a guy asks you out and he's not necessarily someone you would immediately say yes to, go anyway. First of all he made the effort to actually ask you on a DATE and not just text you how much he likes you., blah blah.. +1 already. Second if nothing else, it can be practice for a date you do really want to be on. Also, don't be afraid to ask a guy out. **NOTE: The only time this is acceptable is the initial meeting and after you are in a relationship. You only get ONE pass to ask him out, then he takes it?

2) Give what you get. Ladies we all have a tendency to go a bit overboard especially when it comes to getting into a new relationship. If he isn't inviting you out or asking you out, DON'T ask or invite him. If you find yourself always initiating communication, STOP. If a guy is really into you he will do it himself. If you are in a relationship and your boyfriend is always making you go to his place and never comes to yours, stop going. There needs to be a balance but women, being emotional beings, feel the need to "keep him interested" and try to please him. He should be trying to please you.  There is a fine line between letting him know you're interested and utter desperation. We need to pull back the reins a bit; why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

3) The texting rule. Since it is 2013 I must address this issue. COOL IT on the overzealous texting.  If you've texted him or called him and you have not received a response, it's time to move on to a new activity. No need to text him another 5 times because do you honestly think on the 6th time he's going to answer? WRONG. He probably now thinks you are a certified psycho or do nothing with your life. If his responses are nothing but one word answers or "k", you can try to tell yourself all you want; "oh he's just not much of a talker"; nah girl he's just not that into you. I know that phone has some kind of magnetic force that is amplified by the 4 cosmos you just inhaled but resist the urge; text a girlfriend...or even yourself.

4) Do NOT "DTR" the relationship before he does. Period. For all those who don't know what DTR means it means "define the relationship". Ladies I cannot stress this enough, do not EVER bring up the "what are we" talk until he says it first. Guys are like squirrels, one sudden movement and they freak out and lose their nuts...(I think I'm funny). Trust me if a guy truly likes you and you are playing it right from day 1; he will bring it up. However, the trick is you can't act like a girlfriend then expect him to ACTUALLY make it official. You have created a loophole that guys will take full advantage of; so understand if you give too much he may never DTR. If you are the one he wants to be with and you aren't playing girlfriend, it will KILL him to think you could possibly be seeing other people so let him to the DTRing.

5) Guys are not mind readers so don't expect them to be. Girls, let me put it this way; guys are idiots (no offense dudes but it's true) when it comes to picking up on hints. So don't get mad at them when they don't do or say something you "hinted". If you really want him to show you more attention don't go bitch to your girlfriends then get mad at him when he doesn't hold your hand every 5 seconds. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG. It's like a dog peeing on the carpet; they don't know it's bad until they get knocked upside the head with a newspaper. Then they learn their lesson. Communicate. Also, if something is really bothering you and he asks you whats wrong, don't say not say fine. You are not fine and you'll eventually turn into Naomi Campbell and go full blown crazy person . Tell him what's wrong. Most of the time, if they are a good guy, they will understand and try to fix it. But if you don't tell him, he can't fix it. Give the dude a break.

6) Last but not least, BE YOURSELF. The worst thing you can do is try to conform to what he is looking for. From personal experience you'll find yourself 4 years later wanting to shoot the next person that even mentions house music. Don't pretend to like the things he does if you really don't. If he loves football and you would rather watch paint dry, be honest. (although if that's the case I highly recommend at least trying to watch a game because you're missing out on amazingness). Just be yourself. You don't want a guy to fall head over heals for the person he THINKS you are; you want him to fall for who you REALLY are. Flaws and all. If he doesn't like it, on to the next one.

I could go on and on and on but I will leave it here for now. I have a feeling both the advice blogs will be a two parter...until then!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

5 Basic Tips for Men about Dating

I've been slacking on this blog so I'm back!

I know many of you men out there feel like your girlfriend/wife is always mad at you or that, in her eyes, you are always wrong. You aren't necessarily wrong; you're just not doing the right things. Well fear no more boyfriends/husbands; I am here to break down the very basics of keeping your boo happy without handing over your man card on a silver platter.

Listen carefully men. Being one of the only single girls out of my girlfriends, every time YOU PEOPLE mess up; I hear about it first hand. These are some very simple things that you can do to get your woman off your case...and my shoulder.

1) Ask her out on a real DATE. In the same breath, do NOT text her. I get it's 2013 and that's how you kids today communicate but don't be that guy. The first 3 dates should be real, romantic, planned dates. I'm not saying you have to go out and spend your life savings; be creative.  **Please note: taking her to Taco Cabana at 2am after the bar does not constitute as a date. Nor does having her come to YOUR house; unless you are cooking her dinner. Ya'll need to understand that women want to be wined and dined and just a relatively nice dinner date could do wonders.

2) BE DECISIVE. This is the number one complaint I get from my girlfriends. If you guys have plans to do something and she asks "what are we gunna do babe" and you respond with "I don't care, what do you wanna do?"; expect an eye roll and a possible silent treatment. You are the man, you take control. Women will tell you if your plan is stupid but if you've been in a relationship for a while, you should know. Women get more upset and annoyed by you not making a decision than a dumb suggestion.

3) Don't look at other women in excess. We know you're going to look at the tall blonde with platforms walking to the bathroom; just don't over do it. Women are fine with it 90% of the time but if we can barely hold a conversation with you because your eyes keep darting to every girl in the place, you'll either get broken up with or slapped...or both. Also, if you make some idiot comment like "geeze her skirt is ugly" thinking to yourself "good save bro"; it wasn't a good save, women aren't idiots. Don't abuse this privilege.

4) Listen, but don't give your opinion or a solution. This one is tricky so listen up.  Women know you're not one of our girlfriends however we also expect our men to be comforting and on our side. If she has had a bad day at work because her boss is a jerk don't say "well if you don't like it just quit". No. No no no no no. First of all, that's stupid, second of all the right response is "that's terrible babe I'm sorry, what can I do to make it better". Ladies just want you to give them a hug, tell them it'll be ok and feed us chocolate. If you give your opinion on a solution and/or not pay attention to a word she's saying, that's a one way ticket into the dog house kids. If she starts talking about her tiff with her girlfriends and speaking girl language you don't understand, that's the time to let her know you're not equipped to handle this situation. That's what other girlfriends are for.

5) DO NOT excessively communicate with an ex. Do not facebook, twitter, snapchat, text, call, send smoke signals to an ex in excess. Women don't care how you broke up, why you broke up, that ya'll remain our head you still love her if you still talk to her. Trust me when I say women will probably act like it doesn't bother them and it's no big deal; but she's slowly losing her mind. Which in turn means you will get yelled at one day out of the blue. My advice would be cutoff all communication, but if you can't for whatever reason; keep it to a minimum. But don't EVER try to hide the communication. You may think you're protecting her because its innocent; in woman brain you're cheating. Plus we're smarter than you think, we WILL find out...don't get it twisted.

I hope this helps some guys out there understand the girl brain just a bit better. It's really not that hard, and if you still need help ask me! Cheers!

Monday, June 3, 2013

5 Rules to Common Decency...

At 28 years old, I am well aware that people sometimes genuinely suck. However, I always try to see the good in everyone; trust me that's not always easy. We as human beings need to really calm it down with the trash talking; especially if you don't even KNOW the person. How do their life decisions effect you in any way? Ok cool, you "tweet" to a celebrity telling them they are horrible people and you don't like them one bit. What did that do? That make you feel better? Three things; 1) chances are that person didn't even see that love note, 2) If they did they don't care 3) If they did see it and care, you just hurt someones feelings that you know nothing about. Mission accomplished?

My whole issue is, if you really loathe that person as much as you say; why are you taking precious time out of your busy life to tell them you don't like them? Being nice, respectful and cordial is non-existent in today's world and that is very sad. Remember the golden rule? Treat others the way you want to be treated; I know you've heard that on Reading Rainbow a handful of times. LeVar Burton where you at?!

 I have come up with some rules for being a decent human being since this world is so dense you people need a playbook to know how to act right. And fyi that's not trash talking that is just fact. So before you start being a bully or mean girl, think about these simple rules.

1) The most important rule of them all; do unto others as others do unto you. Now this doesn't mean Sarah called you fat and you go and sleep with her boyfriend. That's vindication. And unsanitary. This is simply, don't say or do anything to another human you wouldn't like someone to do to you.

2) Even if you don't like a celebrity or athlete or even just another regular person please remember that is YOUR opinion. Everyone is entitled to it but when you take to social media to express those hateful opinions that's all you're spreading; hate. Concentrate your time on how much you love Call of Duty or Rubin Studdard.

3) This goes out to all the grown women out there that are still caddy and bully others; you are in your 20's, 30's and sometimes 40's GET IT TOGETHER. If you put another woman on blast for something you don't agree with, chances are you are jealous or pure evil. Or both. STOP. You not only look childish, but if you don't already have children you will and I am pretty sure no one wants to teach their children to be scumbags. Lead by example.

4) If you think speaking to another human using hateful language makes you "cool" it absolutely does not. Recently a friend told me what a former guy friend of hers told her.. I was absolutely appalled. I have never heard such hateful language come out of someones mouth. Let alone a guy to a woman but another human being. He took all of her insecurities and rolled them all up to one big fat ball of hate. Now, I get people get angry, happens to the best of us, but how about we act like ADULTS and keep that serrated knife out of someones back.

5) This is more preventative but if you hear someone talking trash or experience it yourself, don't just let it go. I am not saying go light their house on fire; confront them in a respectful mature way. Rise above that nonsense but sometimes silence is acceptance. We can't let people word vomit all over the place anymore, we have to stand up for ourselves but it can be done in a respectful way.

Some of you may think this is hypocritical because I have mentioned some celebs' bad decisions in blogs before; but I will never use offensive language or directly come at them like a spider monkey. I just hope people understand that sometimes instead of expressing hate, it's best to try and express more love. Clean it up people.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Where are your Parents?!

As many of you know I am in charge of social media for my website and also just love telling everyone in the world, even strangers about my personal life. It's a great anecdote to my sense of loserdom. Well as I am stalking, I mean browsing, the Twitter I come across this page called The Chive. I haven't been to the website and I have no idea what the purpose is; all I know is I have never seen so much lost dignity in one place.

Girls that look the ripe age of 16 are posting pictures to a social networking site that is being spread (no pun intended) all across the world. Where are your parents?! Since when did this become acceptable behavior? This leads me to my next ADD thought about why men don't respect women anymore. Why in the WORLD would they respect women if there are nudity pics available when you just want to check in and see what's up with your friends via social media? They won't, so a couple things; 1) All you parents out there need to get some kind of monotoring device on your child's computer or Dateline NBC may be showing up at your doorstep. 2) If you, as a woman, are going to go THAT far and post next to amature porn on websites; YOU HAVE LOST THE RIGHT TO BITCH ABOUT MEN. Period. You're done, you do it to yourself so understand this, among many others, is a consequence to your lack of self-respect behavior.

If you want to send "pics" do it in the privacy of your own home. That's your business, but again if you are under the age of 18, STOP know that is illegal? Actually you probably don't because if you are taking pics of yourself halfway naked; your parents probably didn't mention that's distribution of child pornography. Girls find a hobby. If you aspire to be a model; great there are ways to do that with your clothes on not bending over your sink. If you think it'll make you feel "sexy" because you get compliments, you need to re-evaluate yourself. I feel uncomfortable even putting a picture of me on a family vacation in a bathing suit on social sites. I don't know how girls let pics get out/voluntarily PUT them out there!  Look how well that worked out for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? PHil is probably serving waffle fries at Chick-Fil-A and Kim's two marriages down and knocked up by raging jackass. That sound good to you? Didn't think so.

 Parents need to QUIT not wanting to cause "conflict" or trying to be their childs "friend". I don't have kids but when I do they are going to school and church and that's about it. I may or may not install a tracking chip in them like dogs. You are their parent first and foremost and OBVIOUSLY they have enough friends so man up and act like an adult. I get society is changing but children having children is the root of the problem. You could be 50 years old and still act like a child. Do you want to be responsible for creating the next Eileen Wornos? Get it together parents.

So in conclusion, people need to calm it down and keep your PRIVATES private. I am not saying being a saint, do your thing just keep it off of the internet. And there is a new thing called snapchat that is perfect for girls that want to be slutty. IF you are over the age of 18. 18 and a book.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Vulnerability is an Act of Great Faith for this Girl

As I am sitting here finishing my glass of wine (don't worry bros ya'll are safe, only had two) I realized life is shorter than asians genitalia.  This past weekend I, as did many, lost a good friend from college. My best friend and I were reminiscing about all the times we had with him; when we were floating the river and he was STILL wearing his Air Jordan's constantly ending up in the algae of the river. "Where is Caleb, aw man still in the darn algae screamin about snakes". That was C.. always keeping people laughing at the same time being a butt head.

When something like this happens. families and friends, begin to contemplate their life worth and reason for their existence. The reasons for people leaving this earth too early are unknown. However we all need to take a hot minute and cherish what we do have. In light of latter events this month I'll say it once and I will say it again; you are not the only soldier in your battle.

When speaking about relationships, as much as women AND men try to play it cool and act like they don't need the other is ridiculous. Do I pretend I don't want someone to kiss me goodnight and smile when they see me? yeeeeep sure do. Would I love to have that? Yep but I will never show it. Well, forget that because I guess I just did. However all that game-playing and wasted love is not good for the heart OR your will be bat s*&^ crazy at some  point. C had a loving girlfriend that is now left without the love of her life. Could you even imagine? No matter how much you want to "play the field" or be angry at an ex; life is short and the love you can find in life... you need to hang on to. Am I still dealing with something that was shocking in my life that made me question the one man I look up to a absolutely put on a pedestal? Yes I am and day by day I am trying to get over that. However it DOES NOT make me love him any less or have any character judgement whatsoever. Nothing has changed he's still the most amazing man in the world and I know he loves his dragutsa. Sometimes life hands you lemons. Sometimes you don't realize some people are willing to give you the world because they 100% truly care about you.

Moral of the story is no matter what tattered relationship, whether it be a mother, father, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife; stop for a minute to think why, of all people, do they love YOU? You absolutely do. This is such a downer blog but when did anyone ever think I would hold in emotions?! please...

I promise humor is coming back to the blog!!!! Stay tuned!

We'll miss you CM

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