1) What is my “number”? Let’s be real,
at 31, you may or may not have a good idea as to what that “number” is; so, you
do the math. Literally. Stretch those
typin’ fingers ladies and gents and get to adding. There are multiple reasons
why you should at least be in the ballpark getting a hotdog and not just now
pulling up to the stadium. It’s time to face to number(s).
2) Why did I ever think wearing this was ok?
Time to do a little spring cleaning! Now that you aren’t just 30, you are IN
your 30’s, that neon yellow halter top and/or that chain wallet need to be laid
to rest. Just burn them; the needy have been through enough…
3) Are they real friends? This seems to
be the question of the Sphinx in your 30’s. You feel bad for just
CTL+ALT+DELETE’ing people that have been in your life for eons, but then again ,you can’t exactly figure out why they are in your life at all. If people are
still around and you honestly cannot come up with a SINGLE way they
enhance your life, time to cut the cord. (If I wasn’t self-admittedly old balls
by now, please re-read this horrifically vintage and not in a cool way,
paragraph. CTL+ALT DELETE? I use a Mac?)
4) Am I taking care of myself? Like really?
I snarked at this too when I was 25 but now, the overzealous microscope of a
mirror literally won’t let me anymore. We are getting OLDER and that’s what
happens in life…or so I am told. So when you just decide not to wash your face
at night, get that double decker beefy gordita or drink like you just turned
21, understand our bodies will not react the way the did 10 years ago. You won’t be happy when you see your fat,
wrinkly, hungover ass underneath fluorescent lighting…trust me.
5) What time is it? No really what time
is it…
6) Why am I still letting my past get to me?
Whether it be an ex girlfriend/boyfriend, job, mistake made, the past is the
past for a reason. Put whatever it is you are harping on in a Walgreens bag,
tie it up and bury it because that BS is for your 20’s…you have shit to do
today so quit whining and go check your credit score.
7) What is my passion? I am not talking
in bed you dirty bastards. What do you LOVE? What are you good….AT? What is
something you would do with your time if you hit the jackpot, already traveled
the world and needed something to do with your hands? If you are going through
the motions of life, what the hell kind of life is that? You’re literally on the
downward slope towards death, so might as well live for now and enjoy the ride!
Live a life you want, not a life you are “SUPPOSED” to have. Por ejemplo, My
passion is sports, talking and writing…I will annoy the shit out of everyone
someday on a global level; mark my words.
8) Why am I always so tired? Ok, so
this one isn’t something you should really ask yourself. I am thinking out
loud…welcome to Thirty One Shades of Tourette’s!!
9) Why do I care what people think? I
can’t get over how many people my age still give a rat’s ass. WHYYYYYY!?!?!? No
really, riddle me that; because I CLEARLY do not get it. Please, for the love
of GOD ask yourself, right now, why?. Whatcha got? Would love to hear your
answers. I get making a good impression at work, or to the in-laws, or your
future husband yada yada; but I have a better idea! BE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE YOU
SCHIZOPHRENIC WEIRDO! PEOPLE LOVE YOU (shockingly) THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!
10) When was the last time I was TRULY happy? Am
I now? If you are, mazel tov; teach me how to dougie. You give hope to us miserable souls
lurking out here lost and drinking whiskey. If you're like a normal human being, wondering what happiness is, let’s figure out how to get there. I mean, 31 is an entirely different age bracket on
the majority of surveys…just saying it’s about time we get it together and smile without forcefully (yet willingly) watching a James Franco movie…
Welp, Christmas came early for you folks bringing this old
thing back up…and you’re welcome ;). Couldn’t be more surprised if I woke up
with my head sewn to the carpet—Cheers!