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Thursday, March 7, 2013

Blacklisted...My 10 Biggest Pet Peeves

I know many of you know my list of pet peeves; I have many. Since this blog has taken heat let me first say, am I in no way serious about blacklisting people from friendship. This is just pure sarcasm and for those who know me, know these things bother me. This is just boredom taking over yet still keeping with the tone of my blog; comedy. This isn't a thesis, or an article for the Times, it's just my annoyances. So chill out, and let me speak...

1) Using the wrong form of they're, there and their. If you contact me in writing of any form, texting, emailing etc, using any of these in the wrong context; you're out. I will give you a verbal warning first but that is all you get. Just in case you went to public school and still don't understand this concept I will give you examples.

"There" example: "What is going on over THERE?"
"Their" example:  "Where is THEIR house?" (this is POSSESSIVE)
"They're" example:  "I think THEY'RE completely ridiculous" (This is a CONTRACTION of THEY ARE)

2) Using the wrong form of your and you're. Same as above and again with the examples.

"Your" example: "I love YOUR hair"
"You're" example: "Sometimes YOU'RE a little annoying" (This is a CONTRACTION of YOU ARE)

Same goes for to and too...too=also, as well.

3) Saying LITERALLY figuratively. Ok this is very simple. LITERAL basically means it is what it is. You are not "literally" dying. If you were, you would be dead. You are also not "literally" frozen. You are cold. We get it. If you were literally frozen, we would have to call 911. GET IT?! Good. So stop it right now. Also, using the word IRREGARDLESS, it's regardless, irregardless is redundant. Pronouncing OFTEN as ofTen. The T in often is silent, look it up. Saying ANYWAYS, that is not a word. ANYWAY (no s) is a word. Also, don't say "more funnier" choose one; more funny or funnier. No need for both.

4) Using big words to make you sound smarter. If you don't know the meaning of a word...DON'T SAY IT. Ain't no one here you gotta impress!  If you have no idea what sporadic means  stop using that word. Or watch Clueless because they give you the definition. The majority of the time I know what the word means, I just can't spell it so I choose something I can spell.  If you don't know the meaning of a word just use something you know, like totes...

5) When girls have a drink or two and their voices get about 6 decibels higher. Alcohol effects the brain, but it does NOT effect your vocal cords. Please ladies for the sake of EVERYONE around you, be cognizant of speaking in a tone only dolphins can hear. I guess I will make this one a two-parter because my next PP goes along with drunk girls. When girls cry at bars. WHY ARE YOU CRYING? You are at a bar, with friends having a good time and you all of a sudden burst into tears? Why are you so upset? This is not cute.

6) When guys see ladies at a bar sitting alone talking, especially while eating, and still come up to talk. Come on dudes, we want to be able to sit and enjoy a meal with our girlfriends without you interrupting our lovely sushi dinner. If you want to talk to us, wait until we get up or use the bathroom. Not cool bros, not cool.

7) If you text or call me and I don't immediately respond; do NOT call or text me 876 more times. This will absolutely make me not respond quicker if not at all. Chances are, I am busy trying to find a cure for cancer and will get back to you when I can have a conversation. Don't take this personally.

8) Jay Cutler

9) Taking pictures of flowers you have received and posting them to social networking sites. For one, I hate flowers period; for two no one, I repeat NO ONE INCLUDING the person who sent you the flowers, cares what they look like. Please stop...just stop.

10) When people pour wine at restaurants or bars and it is absolutely not a glass nor worth $10. Now have we reached the fiscal cliff of wine? Pretty sure we haven't and pretty sure wholesale for that bottle is less than this glass. So take a tip from The Cellar in Las Colinas and learn what we have named "the cellar pour".

These are just a few I could go on but for your sake I will stop here for now. I hope we have all learned something from this and can make society less stupid and annoying one blog-reader at a time.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Respect Thy Neighbor...LENNY

    Everyone has had a neighbor that, in lack of better words, is a complete moron.  Well we live below, who we have aptly named, Shaq.  If I didn't know any better I would think a 700 pound sumo wrestler with a taste for Dubstep was inhabiting this apt above us. The constant stomping and Skrillex remixes makes me want to put "Call me Maybe" on repeat, at the highest volume and leave it for 24 hours straight. If that's not payback, I don't know what is. Although I do enjoy the dying cat tunes while I am working out; I do NOT want to hear it while I am trying to watch Duck Dynasty. You can barely understand those dudes anyway, I don't need the sounds of animal torture as a soundtrack.

Well I had the pleasure of meeting this upstairs lad a couple months ago...Lenny. Lenny, I am assuming, does not have a regular 8-5 job judging by the tunage at all hours of the night; and constant smell of a certain "herb". During our delightful encounter, Lenny asks me if we were the ones that called the cops on him last week. I lived in NYC at the time so I said no. I later remembered talking to my sister about what seemed to be a rave going on at good ol' Lenny's around the same time. Looking up at the ceiling of our living room and noticing the black marks of where my sister started throwing her shoes; confirmed the po-po incident was probably our doing. Sorry Lenny. However he did try to ease our annoyance by explaining that it was a 2 year olds birthday party so that was the reason for the noise. Really bro? That's all you could come up with? I had Power Rangers at my birthday party when I was 2 not Skrillex Mary Jane. Anyway he apologized, asked if I wanted to "blaze" (I politely declined) and went on his way. Well it seems as though Len did not learn his lesson because as I am writing this my Ipad is shaking due to the drum and bass coming through the walls.
So what will come of this unneighborly like behavior? Let's just say I just met you and this is crazy, payback's a bitch, so shut up maybe?

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