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Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Girl's Guide to Football: As Told by a Dude Bro


A lot of women love football; but how many of you get seriously confused during a game? I am going to break down a few basic things about the game for women to understand football a little better. I will address a few things you may be a bit confused about but is necessary information to know while watching a game with a dude; especially one you may be trying to impress ;).

1) There are 11 active players on the field.

2) There is more than 1 designated “Kicker”. The Kicker’s job is to kickoff, make the extra point and kick a field goal. The Punter who drops the ball and kicks it after the offense did not score and/or in field goal range. This guy is normally NOT the same guy as the kicker.

3) There are 4, 15 minute quarters in a game. After the second quarter is done; halftime.

4)A touchdown is worth 6 points. The “extra point” is made by the kicker. That is where the 7 comes from.

5) When you see a running back (dude with the ball the QB just handed him) run into a bunch of big dudes and think, “why did he just do that? He should have gone AROUND.” Well he can’t because that was the play that was called and the defense was able to see that.

6) Running back=one that runs with the ball. Receiver, or Wide Receiver=the one that catches a pass thrown by the quarterback. Tight End=dudes with nice butts...just kidding...kind of. This guy is used to block the defense but can also receive that ball. Usually a bigger, lean looking guy. Also, "line of Scrimmage" is where the players bend down to start the play.

7) 3 and out means the defense successfully stopped the offense from scoring and/or making another 1st down to continue their possession and possibly score. A "Down" is where the refs deem the ball down. There are 4 downs in a "set";if the offense can't go far enough to get another 1st down after 3-4 tries... They OUT sidenote: Unless the offense is really close to scoring or getting another 1st down, or being coached by Mike Leach, they will most likely punt after the third down.

8) If you wonder why they choose to give the ball to the other team when they have one more try, it is because if they try again on the 4th down and DON'T succeed, the other team gets to start out closer to the opposing teams end zone. A punt allows the offense to try to get the opposing team to start as far back as possible.

9) A "Pick 6" is when a ball is intercepted and run back for a touchdown by a defender.

10) When announcers say “Play Action” it means it is a fake play by the quarterback.

11)When you hear screaming from the quarterback on TV, they are actually relaying what they are seeing from the defense to the rest of the offense. If you hear “Kill Kill!” then more screaming, it means the original play they called isn’t going to work so they need to “kill” it and run another play.

12) That thing on the QBs wrist is a list of plays

13)  In the NFL you must have two feet in bounds and control (not floppin about) of the ball to have a completed pass and or touchdown. In college you only have to have one foot.

14)  It is completely legal to pull a ball carrier’s long hair.

15) Most football players don’t wear cups………..risky business

16)  If a team wins a coin toss and “defers”, this means that they will be kicking off for the other team to receive. In turn, they get the ball first in the second half.

17)  If you are at a game that is being televised and you are wondering why they keep stopping, it is for television time-outs…or commercials.

18) Pass interference can be called on offense and defense. Along the same lines, if someone moves before the ball is snaped it's one of the following:  False start=offense’s fault before the snap; Off Sides=defense’s fault.

19) On-side kick…Usually used if a team is losing and is trying to re-gain possession of the ball again after a scoring play. This is used instead of a kickoff after scoring. It is kicked diagonally and the end goal is for the kicking team to recover; but is risky because if the other team recovers, they get great field position.

20)  There are two parts to the NFL; the American Football Conference and the National Football Conference. These are divided in to 4 divisions; North, South, East and West. I won't go into who is where but Dallas is NFC East, Texans are AFC south.

21) Yellow flag thrown by the refs= penalty. Red flag thrown by the coach= coaches challenge (too long to explain look it up). If a ref throws his hat he is marking the spot he believes the ball was down. Each ref is responsible for a different part of the field; there are 7 of them.

22)  A “Blitz” is a defensive play where extra defenders are used to basically Tonya Harding the QB. So if you see a bunch of men charging the quarterback, that’s a blitz.

23)  The “pocket” is the wall of homeboys protecting the quarterback.

24) The Center is responsible for snapping (throwing the ball under his legs) the ball to the quarterback and then blocking.  #multitasking”.

25) The most common ref hand signals/penalties are: 'Touchdown'' or 'kick is good" Both arms straight up above his head. "Holding" the ref holds his wrist. self explanatory. "Pass interference", ref pushes both arms straight in front of him. He will then say offense or defense in which his arm goes either right or left depending on the call. "False Start" the ref rolls his arms in a circular motion like Tae Bo. "Off-Sides" the ref puts hands on waist. "Incomplete pass" ref waives his arms in front like "nu uh". "Catch", ref pulls both arms down like...a catch. "First down" ref's arm points to the defensive end zone. "Personal Foul", ref's puts arms above his head makes a fist with one then depending on who committed the foul, will point right or left.

26)  Last but not least for my girl Krystal Houle… the hottest QB in the NFL is Mark Sanchez; in college hands down West Virginia’s Clint Trickett. ;)


I could go on and on but this will do for now. If any of you ladies have any questions feel free to ask. For men, I didn't go in to too much detail so I know there is more to a lot of this just FYI. Happy Halloween :)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

How to Approach a Woman: And Not be Compared to Ted Bundy...

I know ya’ll are probably sick of my unsolicited relationship advice but you’re reading this blog soooo. This subject has come up quite a few times in the last few weeks and I thought I would try and break it down in writing because apparently, no matter WHAT women tell you men, YOU DON’T LISTEN.

 How to approach a woman. Sounds easy right? Guys think they have their game DOWN but I am here to tell you, you absolutely don’t. 65% of the time it works 100% of the time right guys? Some of you are on the right track and I applaud those who at least follow some of these rules. I am not guaranteeing if you follow these rules you will automatically take her home and/or find the love of your life because of my literary genius; all I am saying is that you will up that 65% chance to at least a 75% chance. Try it out and see what happens. These are some rules on how to APPROACH a woman when you see a girl you would like to meet in a social setting. Because let’s be honest, who actually meets people at grocery stores anymore?

1) Let me get this out of the way first. If she is not at least somewhat attracted to you within the first 3 seconds of talking to her, nothing you say or do will change her mind. She will take that drink you bought her, smile, may or may not say thank you and walk RIGHT back to her friends. I don’t know why men are so baffled by this concept. “What’d I do, what a B!”. First of all, it wasn’t anything you DID. Second of all, she’s not a B she’s just not that into you so move on. Please read the signs even though that seems to be a difficult task for men; you will know if she is initially interested in at least hearing what you have to say. Take a hint.

2) DO NOT wait for her to come to you. You guys think you’re so fly sittin’ there with your Jack on the rocks; you sip and throw up in your mouth a little because you hate whiskey but you think it makes ladies think you’re “manly”. I will tell you this, unless a girl is trashed, just broke up or going 7th grade style for a friend, she will not approach you. This is your job. You can try the eye sex thing and maybe send her a drink; but in the end, you need to walk up to her. You may think she’s smiling back at you but in reality she is sitting by her friends quietly telling them some creepy guy keeps looking at her. Also keep in mind you must be strategic during the approach; this is for her sake and yours. Wait until she’s alone. If she’s sitting with a bunch of girls you don’t want to make her friends feel bad; not to mention, do you want to get rejected in front of a table of women? Didn’t think so.

 3) If you see a pretty girl you would like to talk to, do not use a stupid “line”. Unless you are uber clever and come up with something that is just incredible, keep it simple. Example: NOT GOOD: “Is your dad a drug dealer because you’re dope” GOOD: “Hey what are you drinking? This drink is on me.” Do not start off an initial meeting with some stupid question like “My friends and I have a debate, who was the best Batman?” (even though if she does buy into this, which I would, and says anyone but Michael Keaton…out) This is clever, but regular girls will just think you are weird. Again, if she is not attracted to you, be prepared to spend 5 bucks on a beer and never see her again. You have about a minute window when the bartender is getting the drink and she may still be making up her mind. At that point, it’s crunch time so you better be smooth. A simple “I’m ___nice to meet you” will suffice, ball is in her court and if she is into you; she will then ask you a question. If it is silence from there on, bye Felicia.

4) If she asks you questions back make SURE to respond with a normal answer and ask HER an opened ended question back. Example, Her: “So where are you from?” YOU: “I am originally from Denver but I’ve lived in Dallas for a while, what about you?” DO NOT ASK if she is from Dallas; you could potentially get a simple “no” or “yes” and there goes that conversation. Also, do not tell her your entire life story…remember 1 minute. You will have endure a bit of small talk but if you are witty and confident it will go smoothly.

 5) Be confident and act interested. If she goes on about her life story she’s either genuinely interested or likes to hear herself talk. Either way, if you are still into it, act like you care. **NOTE: please do not get offended if she asks what you do for a living. This does not automatically mean she is a gold digger and/or trying to find out your financial stability. She is just making conversation this is a GOOD sign. So stop being so sensitive Kanye…

 6) When you pass the minute window and you guys are still talking about things, great; now you know she is interested in AT LEAST talking to you. If you get your drinks and she immediately walks away, ok she made up her mind and she’s over it. Now if you get your drinks and she says something like “It was really nice to meet you but I have to go get back to my friends” that isn’t always rejection. She may actually need to let her friends know she didn’t go MIA. At this point leave it alone. Don’t ask for her number etc. One thing you can do is say something like “It was a pleasure to meet you ___ hope to talk to you again”. OR if you gauge that she is really interested, you can ask her plans for the rest of the night. If she responds “Not sure, probably just hang out here” you have a green light to approach her again; but in a non-stalker way. If her response is “Well my friends want to go to ___bar so we will probably head over there”, your response should be “cool, if you want to get together sometime, let me know”. This is clear cut. She will either get your number or give you hers. If she says “ok yeah I will definitely let you know” she gone.

7) If you get her number (which is essentially the end goal of this meeting) tell her you will shoot her a text so she has yours as well. Do NOT call or text her anymore that night without her initiating the communication. Chances are she is tipsy and so are you; not a good time to ask her out on a real date. Now if she contacts you after asking your plans etc, you’re on your own on how you want to handle that situation and depending on your intentions, if you get the digits, disregard this rule. If she gets your number, you wait. You will absolutely know if she is interested in any sort of relationship if she texts you at all. If no further communication happens that night; text her the next day and tell her it was nice to meet her. If no response you are free to try again that night to ask her plans. If STILL no response, stop. Do not Facebook friend request her even though you probably already cyber-stalked her; and/or “follow” her on any other social networking site. This screams creepy. Checkmate.

 8) Last but not least, while during the initial interaction do not bring up the following: Ex’s, religion, politics, how much money you have, namedropping of any kind, the fact she may not be “your type”, and do not ask her age right away. That will eventually come out so don’t mention it until it is relevant to the conversation. The goal here is to be different than every other idiot that hits on her; make her remember you by actually being normal. Subtlety is key.

Oh, and one more thing...REMEMBER HER NAME!!!! If you have to repeat it to yourself 7 times, write it on your hand, tattoo it on your forearm...DO IT! The worst thing a guy can do is forget a girls name. We may forget yours, but you are absolutely not allowed to forget ours...#doublestandard

 It is actually surprising how many men think what they are doing works; and it may have once or twice. Don’t try too hard. Women can smell desperation from a mile away…that and a flat bill **cough cough Jamie Novak…Cheers!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Why LSU is the Most Overrated Team in the NCAA: Cold Hard Facts


**Disclaimer: If you are an LSU fan you may not want to read this because you will then have no argument. Also, I respect LSU as a team, and I am not speaking to their education program, this is just my opinion as to why LSU is the most overrated team in the NCAA.

So, I don't have some vendetta or grudge against LSU's football program. I just believe they get WAY more hype than they deserve.  I am not saying there aren't other teams out there that get more credit than they deserve; I just think LSU is absolutely NOT an elite football team, especially for the SEC. Also, there are teams that SHOULD get more credit (cough cough Texas Tech) especially because recruiting to a farm town is like choosing to live in Oakland. I am giving cold hard facts and feel free to argue all you want; but I have a feeling anyone that would argue me is an LSU fan.

I will get my smack talking out of the way first. Texas Tech fans are bad, I will say that. We throw tortillas at you whatever whatever. LSU fans are just plain vicious. If they are losing, or even worse winning, if you say anything negative about them they will rip your head off and eat you like a crawfish. I had an LSU fan one time call me a hmm what was the wording  he used? Oh yeah, a "skeleton faced swamp bitch". Which I found ironic being a LOUISIANA fan. Being a schizophrenic jerk is not a good look on anyone. If you are going to act like a moron at least have the talent to back it up. I will take heat from Pats fans even though I don't like the Pats; but they are an elite team so smack talk away.  Now on to the facts...

LSU has only won 3 championships one of which was in 1958 the other was under Nick Saban. The last championship WAS under Les Miles in 2007. I know people will argue, in my mocking voice, "Well how many championships has your team won?". Well fine, you're right however WE aren't hyped up to be one of the best college football teams in the nation. We are the kids in the back of the class doin' work and shuttin up. The next thing is, Since 2008 LSU has NEVER gone undefeated overall. Yes, in 2011 they did go 8-0 in conference; but that year they also lost to Bama in the championship game 21-ZERO. Also since 2008 their wins,besides gimme schools like Tulane, have never exceeded roughly more than 10  points give or take. If you are going to be considered "elite" I would think over the course of 5 years, there would be at LEAST one blow out with at least an equally as good or moderate team.

Now, let's compare LSU to Texas. Although the Big 12's glory days are over now, it was a force at one point. The last 7   years Texas has had some pretty tough schedules. Now did they play Bama and Georgia? No, but they definitely held their own against USC in the Rose Bowl in '06. Not to mention,(side note: I hate that statement because I will in fact mention) that UT has made appearances in the championship twice under Mac Brown; and the SOLE reason UT lost that year was because Mccoy got injured, yet the score was STILL 37-21. One of LSU's championship wins was with, debatably the best coach in college football; the other was Miles WITH Saban's players. Yes they did make an appearance in 2011 but like I said before, 21-0. Also, people want to say A&M is overrated. Ok, if you think joining the toughest conference in college football with a redshirt quarterback, beating Bama AT Bama then go on to an 11-2 overall and a 6-2 conference record (LSU went 10-3 overall and 6-2 conference) is overrated, you're trippin'. Give credit where credit is due (regardless on your personal opinion of Manziel).

Now on to the NFL...LSU has 44 active players in the NFL right now; you know who also has 44? Texas. Most of the players active from LSU are defensive players except for  Dwayne Bowe, Trindon Holliday and Michael Ford; they also have Matt Flynn but eh. But I will give them Bowe and Holliday and I will also give them Morris Claiborne because well, he is our CB. Do you happen to know what college team produced(s) the most NFL players? Miami. With 53 active players on the NFL roster, Miami (Atlantic Coast Conference fyi) has produced little names like, Frank Gore, Jimmy Graham, Andre Johnson, Ray Lewis, and the player formally known as Mousecop. Surprising in my personal opinion Cali is up there too. A. A Ron Rogers anyone? Marshawn Lynch? HMD! Shane Vereen? LSU does produce some NFL players however if you actually LOOK at the active players, they are 85% defensive and they all play for crap teams; besides Bowe, there is no denying that.

So all in all do I think LSU is a good team. Yes, and they pretty much always will be. BUT that is all they will ever be... is just good. So bandwagonners how about you choose a team you have no association with whatsoever that IS actually an elite team. Again, in my opinion you have a few options: Georgia, Alabama, Oklahoma and A&M. Oh and Texas Tech OF COURSE!!!!! I am sure I will get millions of reasons why I am wrong but these are not wikipedia facts; these are ACTUAL facts as to why I think LSU is good, but overrated.

Apologies to my LSU fan friends, who I will say are all very very smart and I love ya'll butttttt facts are facts.

PS: If you don't watch Key and Peele some of my comedic references will make zero sense to you. That is all.

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