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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

You Know You're a Dallasite When...


Oh Dallas. I have lived numerous places but there's something about Dallas I just can't get enough of. When I moved to NYC I felt like I was cheating on Dallas because I was only going back for holidays. We have our ups and downs but in the end Dallas has always been my main squeeze. I've seen a lot of "you know you're from Dallas" lists, however I'm not "from" Dallas so I came up with 25 reasons you know you're a Dallasite to really make people understand the awesomeness that is living in one of the best cities in the world. So without further adieu...

You know you're a Dallasite When...

1) You complain during summer and complain during winter...you're only happy in the fall and sometimes spring.
2) You will in fact drive 10 miles out of the way to go to an Eatzies.
3) You know to never get gas in uptown...however it's closer and easy so you do it anyway
4) You have a Happy Hour every night of the week and sometimes they turn into happy hour(s).
5) Someone invites you to go out in Las Colinas, Addison etc. and you look at them like they're crazy to ask such a question. Forget about Plano and Frisco.
6) You pack an overnight bag to go to Fort Worth...and that's only for special occasions.
7) Your friends that do live far use your house to kill time because they don't want to drive back to nowhereville.
8) You calculate your night out around when the stores stop selling booze.
9) You have brunch at 2 or 3 or 4:00pm
10) Katy Trail Icehouse....
11) It's not patio weather and you have no idea what to do with yourself on a Saturday.
12) Frankie's closed and you lost a little piece of your soul.
13) UBER
14) Your friends say "meet somewhere on McKinney" and you all go to the same place...no need to specify.
15) You've yelled at a cabbie at least twice...morons
16) You've cursed out the construction on 114 more than once
17) You go to great lengths to avoid 635 rush hour...even stay at work longer.
18) There's always one person in your group who HATES the bar everyone else wants to go.
19) You have strategic, special ops-like plans for OU Texas weekend, St. Patricks day and cinco de mayo.
20) During the summer, you find a pool...no matter what.
21) You still defend the Cowboys until the death.
22) You hold on to the Mavs Championship for dear life...(sorry still a Spurs fan)
23) You stand and wait until the walk sign flashes...even if there are no cars.
24) Even if valet is overpriced, you do it anyway...
25) No matter where you move or how far you'll always find yourself back in the big D....

Monday, August 26, 2013

RIP Society...


“What.the.expletive.” These three words pretty much summed up how everyone felt during last nights train wreck that was Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance. That quote was taken straight from a girlfriend of mine who always has a brilliantly unfiltered opinion on hot messes; unfortunately due to the shock and horror of last night, this is all she had.

No, that was not an earthquake you felt at 8:30pm CST August 25, 2013; that was the implosion of Miley’s career and the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. There wasn’t just one moment of unbridled terror during this performance; the entire performance left you questioning what you know is right and needing a shower. What happened to that cute little blonde girl who embodied wholesome we all knew? Well, it’s apparent she shaved that blonde hair right off and “wholesome and cute” are now the antithesis of what Billy Ray’s meal ticket has grown up to be.

Forget the sedated teddy bears that looked like they just took a couple pulls from Lil’ Wayne’s cup backstage, the enormous background dancers and that poor foam finger…that poor, poor foam finger; can we focus on the fact this girl is 20 years old? Yes the performance was strange but if Lady Gaga came out and did that, it would be tame for her. However this is a girl that started out as Hannah Montana, blossomed into the perfect Nicholas Sparks heroin, then hopped on the train to trash city. PAGING BILLY RAY CYRUS AND MRS. BILLY RAY CYRUS… anyone? Bueller? Your daughter is embarrassing herself and you on national television. As if Achey Breaky Heart wasn’t embarrassment enough for the Cyrus clan. Someone needs to reel this girl in pronto before she ends up on the main stage…not the good kind. If she wants to be a D squad stripper while dancing with Molly; fine, just don’t force that crap show upon us.

My question isn’t the decisions Miley made for that performance, it is with the people who SAW that dress rehearsal. Any person in their right mind would watch that and cringe. Did they not want to speak up? Did they speak up then get shot down? Or does everyone around Miley have a contact high?  Either way, her publicist should be fired and exiled to bad publicist island where Paula Deen and Lance Armstrong’s publicist are sipping roofy coladas. I also take issue with Robin Thicke. Robin, seriously? A) You probably have syphilis so go get checked, B) she could be your daughter. Would you want your daughter looking like Courtney Love’s spawn on national TV rubbing up on a married man? Didn’t think so, karma’s a bitch though you may want to adopt. Just saying.

All in all I never thought I would say this but Miley Cyrus is exactly what's wrong with society. Everything about last night makes me realize people really are as dumb as I think. The fact this idea for a performance not only got passed through conception, but was carried full term without ANYONE speaking up, is absolutely absurd. I am anxious to see the backlash of this but in the meantime Miley, as we say in the south, bless your heart...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The "Digi-Generation": 10 Rules of Online Dating

As we all know we are living in the digital age. Almost everything we do, besides sleep and well that’s all I got; uses some kind of technology. As much as no one likes to admit, even dating has taken the leap over to 2013. Although the, “I am probably going to get serial killed by the date I met online” stigma has dissipated, the actual act of online dating isn’t something we are screaming from the rooftops. With the newest dating site, Tinder, it has become easier to accept the fact we can’t interact with human beings anymore so we go on the net to hopefully land Mr. or Ms. Right now.

Is it the anonymity that attracts our generation to this certain site? Or is it the fact we all have become so dang lazy we can now just reject someone with a swipe of a finger? Whatever it is, I think we should all embrace this with open arms and thank the masterminds behind online dating. I mean, you can literally judge someone by their looks, see if you guys know the same people AND reject them based on the above, all from the comforts of your own home sans conversation. The less small talk the better.

That being said I have come up with 10 rules of online dating EVERY ONE should follow if you decide to partake in trying to find “the one” via the interwebs. These rules will help you find the right date and hopefully keep your profile from being screenshot and sent to girlfriends in a group text message so we can have a good laugh on you. These aren’t just for men but, for obvious reason, I don’t see many girls’ profiles.

1) Do not use a picture with a friend that is better looking than you as your default. It is ok to put it in the group of pictures you do use but not as your first one. I joke that I want another option besides yes or no to be “no to you but who’s the guy on the left?”. You want the girl to notice you first. Also, use a picture that is actually you…
2) Along the same lines, do not use pictures in which you are: drinking, smoking, with a bunch of girls, with an ex, wearing sunglasses in every one, doing activities where you aren’t in the picture, shirtless and flexing, looking like a pedophile, taking the picture of scenery. Girls that are online dating want to make sure they won’t wake up raped and murdered so try and use pictures that flatter you. You want a date right? Why do you think a girl would be privy to go out with you if she already thinks you’re a tool before even talking to you?
3) Keep your profile simple. There is no need to write your entire life story out. Plus, you are already online dating but you have time to write a novel? Not a good look. Profile should consist of: age, location, occupation and if you have ever been convicted of a violent crime. The last part is optional.
4) Always reach out to her. Don’t let her reach out to you. Now, if she does, ok but you, as the MAN, need to pursue her and initiate the communication.
5) Do not ask her for her number right away. I will reiterate, we don’t want to die so we are going to feel you out in a safe environment before agreeing to divulge any personal information. Talk for a bit and if she seems interested ask her to meet. This will allow you to see if she is ready to meet you, and/or if she feels comfortable enough to give her number. If she says she wants to talk more before meeting THEN ask for the digits.
6) DO NOT lead in with a perverted comment. It saddens me to even have to address this but it happens all too often. She won’t think you’re funny or immediately fall for your “different” approach. She thinks you’re a pervert just don’t. Stick to old faithful like “Hi, you are very stunning” or “Hi I am John nice to meet you”. Also, NO EMOTICONS. None.
7) If you get the number, don’t abuse it. Text her your number and step off. She will lead the conversation so just go from there.
8) Once you get her to agree to meet, pick a PUBLIC place. If I had a dime for every guy that asked me to come to his house…yes because that is exactly where I want to meet a complete stranger; in his own home? Try to keep it as normal as possible.
9) Do not have intentions other than to actually date. That’s what Craigslist is for. Keep it classy.
10) Last but certainly not least…if you are in a relationship STAY OFF DATING SITES!!! Again, it pains me to have to address this and the fact men can be complete morons stuns me. This is how you get caught, plain and simple. If you go on to a dating site such as Tinder and create a profile; it is location based. Even if you don’t pay attention to rule #9 and only use it when you go out of town; you do realize when you get home your profile will show up if other women are around your location and get on Tinder, right? If your boyfriend or husband just ran out of the room ladies…follow him. On the same note if you do meet someone and go out a few times with them give the dating site a rest. Concentrate on one and if it doesn’t work out then get back on that horse.

Although online dating is extremely superficial, it can actually be very effective. Dudes try this out and see what happens. I bet you get a lot more right swipes this way…

Monday, August 12, 2013

"The Crazy Test"

Throughout my years as a girl, yes all 28 of them in case anyone had their doubts; I have experienced my fair share of craziness. Both on my side and others’; however lately it seems as though someone put crystal meth in the drinking water down in Texas and everyone is one card short of a full deck. Thankfully this time I am not the one off my rocker.

 I can’t exactly wrap my brain around the fact it takes being an a-hole to get people to knock off the crazy. Do you not hear/see the things you are doing and saying? Some people should legally have to pass a written exam before they can have any kind of human interaction. Men, if you text message a girl 45 times sans response, she is just not into you; and possibly looking into a restraining order. Ladies, if you only talk to a guy on the weekends or past 2am… let’s just say he’s not into you for your witty comments or bubbling personality.

 So, this has all lead me to create a “Crazy Test”. I feel as though people should administer this test before getting into a relationship. Feel free to use this for your own personal use at anytime.

1) Which of the following is NOT acceptable text behavior?
a) 2:00pm “Hey what’s up”
b) 5:15pm “How was your day?”
c) 1:00pm “Hey what’s up?” 1:15pm: “What you doin” 2:45pm: “wanna hang out” 5:00pm “where are you?” 7:00pm: “Ok, guess you’re busy” 8:46pm “So is that a no to hanging out?” 9:32pm: “I guess I should take the hint” 11:04pm: “This bar is raging you should come out” 12:15am: “I want to see you” 1:55am: “Ok guess you are out with another guy” 2:12am “I am going home if you want to hang out” 2:45am: “I really like you and I don’t know why don’t want to hang out” 3:15am: “Fine whatever I’m done” 12:01pm: “Hey what you doing"
d) 11:30am: “Hope you’re day is going well so far!”

 2) In your opinion, after a good date, how long do you wait to reach out to the person again?
 a) 1 day
 b) 1 week
 c) 30 seconds
 d) 3 days

3) Which of the following most resembles your behavior after being dumped?
a) Let the other know you “wish them the best” and move on
b) Cry into your pillow for two weeks then move on
c) Stand outside their window with a stereo over your head playing Bruno Mars “When I was your Man”
d) What’s being dumped?

4) When in a relationship which movie character do you mostly resemble?
a) Noah in the Notebook
b) Patrick Bateman in American Psycho
c) Ron Burgundy in Anchorman
d) Peter Parker in Spiderman

5) How many “selfies” do you estimate you have taken in your lifetime, and posted to a social networking site?
a) 1-10
b) 10-20
c) 20-50
d) I lost count
e) What the hell is a “selfie”

6) Which of the following would you be most likely to do while pursuing a potential mate?
a) Give them compliments and do sweet things
b) Show them your collection of bobbleheads
c) Tell them all about how your last relationship was devastating
d) Send them pictures of yourself…whatever part of the body you find most appealing

7) When someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your preference) approaches someone you are dating while you’re with them, you…
a) Stand back and let them talk
b) Put your hand on their back or leg and smile
c) Start a bar fight
d) Find the next hot guy/girl to talk to as well

8) If you get to know a person then realize the relationship isn’t going anywhere you let them know by
a) Ignore their existence all together
b) Send them a text saying It’s not going to work
c) Call them and/or meet them and let them know you aren’t feeling it
d) Show up where they are and make out with another person…they’ll get the hint then right?

9) Your last relationship ended because
a) You cheated
b) They cheated
c) You both mutually realized you were better friends
d) Relationship?
e) Other If other, please explain:

10) Have you ever been convicted of a felony/ do you consent to a background check? I will be running one anyway regardless of your consent…
a) Yes
b) No
c) Well I wasn’t convicted

 This “Crazy Test” is the perfect way to gauge whether or not your potential suitor will kill you in your sleep or be relatively normal. Everyone has their moments; but there ARE people in this world that should reside behind padded walls. Ain’t no one got time for that…

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