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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Things Young, Successful Dudes Say

“That was a great idea, I am definitely sharing that on Google docs”

“Dude was wearing Armani… definitely gay.”

“I have to check with my lawyer first.”

 “Yo man I need to borrow your shoe polish, I’m out.”

“I was still drunk in my meeting this morning I fired Hank.”

“Yeah I’ll come over, you DO have Apple TV right?”

“My Mercedes blew up because it had grammatical errors.”

“Please don’t get wine on my Banana Republic jacket.”

“Sorry the place is a mess, the maid doesn’t come until tomorrow.”

“He pronounced patronize PAT-TRON-IZE…it’s a long “a” bro.”

“I’ll bet you $500 in cash right now I can jump this fence.”

“I am so sore from that deep tissue massage yesterday.”

“He is not qualified, he didn’t even wear a custom suit.”

“Girl, your toes are ratchet here’s some money, get a pedicure.”

"Google me."

“Who’s all there? Is it poppin’, let’s just get a table.”

“$345 for a bottle of Grey Goose…ha that’s a steal.”

“Can you roll your window up? It’s messing up my hair.”

“She doesn’t have to be smart, just coherent.”

“Then I found out she had a PC…..”

"Why are you asking where it is? You have Google maps don't you?"

“My phone died.”

“I have to charge my phone.”

“Does the bar have an iPhone 5 charger?”

"I have to go buy a charger."

“Do you have a charger?”

“My phone is literally about to die.”

“I met her on Tinder.”

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Believe Half of What You See and Nothing of What You Hear

Have ya’ll ever played the game “Telephone”? If you attended any form of summer camp, played any sport, or take a form of anti-depressant, I am sure you have. For those that probably never played with the amazingness that was the colored parachute either, I will explain briefly. Telephone is a game where a group of people sit in a circle and one person starts out whispering a sentence to the person sitting next to them and so on and so forth. Simplistically, the goal is to get the last person to hear the sentence after completing the circle to repeat verbatim how the original sentence was stated. Sounds easy right? How many of you that have partaken in this activity had the person at the end actually say it correctly? I am going to go ahead and say zero to five.

The very obvious undertone of this silly game was how quickly something, passing from ear to ear, can get turned into something 100% different. The lesson…gossip. Most associate gossip with their teenage years when it seemed as though the world was ending if you got in a fight with a friend or boyfriend or people had a negative perception of you; as it turns out, even in adulthood gossip exists…and is even worse.
9 times out of 10 whatever you hear via a third party about a person is false. Albeit probably stemming from some kind of truth; the more ears that try and interpret whatever may be said, the more twisted it gets.

Why, as grown men and women, do we feel the need to talk about others negatively? Let me interject my own writing and say I am guilty of this too; however nothing I say behind anyone’s back I haven’t either already said to their face or wouldn't say to their face. Let’s say I am playing Devil’s advocate here. What are the REAL reasons people feel the need to speak on people without hearing any of what they are repeating from the horse’s mouth? Is society that desperate for conversation people have to find common ground by conversing about the bad things they've heard or THOUGHT they've seen regarding another person? Are people really that malicious they would legitimately go out of their way to smear someone’s name?  Have we lost sight of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”? The answer is yes.

Think about your conversations with your friends; do you talk about politics, movies, current events? Probably; but compare that to how often you speak about other people. Be it friends, enemies, boyfriends, family etc. Personally, it’s shocking to actually examine the amount of time we spend talking about other people; whether good or bad. The gossip and negative statements however seem to trump the positive statements about people while around others. Why? Because “they’re great” isn't interesting. “Blah Blah slept with so and so” is interesting. Why do you think the media never tells stories about how Johnny Manziel gave his only ticket to the green room during the draft to a 5 yr old boy who is suffering from cancer he’s been visiting for years? Borrrrring. (it’s true by the way). How sad is it that good is boring? People would rather talk about him getting arrested…in which is a perfect example of believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. People want to hear juicy gossip, not your opinion on Boehner's lawsuit on Obama.

Some people don’t understand the effects of gossip. Young people are literally killing themselves over it, As adults, a “bad reputation” could cost you friends, relationships, jobs even…so why are we putting each other through this? Yeah so and so may have made a mistake or what not; guess what…we all make a million mistakes every day. Some people think it’s just their town or city and once they move it will go away…it never goes away. People will always talk. Period.

My point is this, be yourself, that’s all you can do. If people say things about you either own it,  set the record straight or turn the other cheek; it’s not worth getting upset over because there really isn’t anything you can do to change it, except be honest. The other half to this point I am carrying on way too long is limit the negative talk about people if you don’t know actual facts. I get trying to protect a brother or sister or friends from someone you “heard” wasn’t a great person. Let’s be honest, we are adults, we make our own decisions and own judgments; get to know a person before you repeat something that has gone through the telephone. You never know if whatever hearsay you are repeating could damage a person’s life in a big way; because unfortunately, people don’t take in to consideration the reverse distillation of gossip.

Be kind…rewind.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

15 Things NOT to Do at a Bar......

Since it is Saturday night and after being in the service industry on and off since 16 yrs old, I figured this was the perfect time for this list…yes, list. Especially because writing makes very little money and I am back in the server saddle on the weekends.

1)      Don’t ask the bartenders for some made up shot then get mad when they ask what it is. You made it up…or some other bartender made it up. Chances are they will put whatever they feel like in it and charge you extra for being a jackass.

2)      Don’t act like you are better than the employees at the establishment. THEY are working while YOU are drinking. They don’t come into your office and treat you like a minion so don’t do it to them.

3)      Don’t cry. You are at a bar. In public. If you feel that lump in your throat, go to the bathroom…or your therapist.

4)      Don’t ask how much a drink costs. Trust me, I do this all the time but am trying to stop. Straight up, it makes you look cheap. If you are out you are probably going to spend money…SHOCKER.

5)      If you can’t find your card don’t automatically assume the bar lost it. You are drinking, probably hitting on a 4 or worse…who has better odds of losing a credit card here?

6)      Don’t go up to the bar and wait then take a million and seven hours to decide what you want. What exactly have you been doing for 5 minutes?

7)      Don’t fight. Just don’t. Bars have bouncers that are exponentially bigger than you and the only reason why they aren’t putting you in the hospital is because that is illegal.

8)      Don’t pay in change………..

9)      If you are at a speed bar NEVER NEVER order a Chilton, Manhattan or Mojito; amongst other complicated concoctions. We have things to do.

10)   Don’t order 65 drinks at once. Bartenders legally can only serve two (in Texas) at a time; consider it nice if they give you more.

11)   Don’t cross the line when flirting with bar employees. Whether it be bartenders, door guys etc. Flirting is perfectly acceptable; it’s part of the job. However if you sit by their well all night long detouring other patrons; you are costing them money.

12)   Don’t ask for free crap. Do you work for free? Neither do we.

13)   Don’t act put off if the bar doesn’t have “your’ drink or shot. It’s a bar, with alcohol….find something else.

14)   Like at the Zoo, do not touch.

15)   Don’t leave zero tip. We remember…trust me. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

20 of the Most Ridiculous Statements About Life People Actually Believe

1It's easy to hear or see a seemingly insightful quote or saying and believe it; we all do it let's be real. Sometimes though, they either make zero sense whatsoever, or they are just absolutely ludicrous. These are 20 statements I find to be the most untrue, ridiculous, brainwashing statements people always tend to think hold water. Which in fact, they hold nothing but your normally smart brains hostage for 5 seconds.

"Work smarter not harder.” How about do both? Hard work IS smart work. 

"I’ll forgive but I won’t forget.” That defeats the whole purpose to forgiveness. If you decide to forgive, let it go and move on.

"I expected…” I am not even sure why this word exists. There is NO SUCH THING as expectations. There is faith in that what you are doing is going to turn out the way you want; but you can never EVER “expect” anything out of anything or anyone. 

"My talent will speak for itself.” Unfortunately boys and girls, your talent won’t always speak. You will lose jobs to people less talented, period. That is the way the world works, however if you see something in yourself that others aren't seeing; figure out a way for people to notice YOU and your talent.

"Everything is a competition.” No it’s not. Stop trying to compete with people who, chances are, don’t even know you are trying to “win.” Just do you. 

" It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” I get that but depending on what this applies to, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. There is a difference in taking a risk for the better and just doing whatever the hell you want to do because you think “sorry” will cut it. 

"I don’t care, it’s whatever”. Especially when people talk about relationships. You absolutely 100% care or you wouldn’t be talking about it.

 "II can’t” (before trying). Not the white girl saying, but saying you legitimately can’t do something. Yes, you can; at least try.

"He/She isn’t ready.” Says who? Whether it be pertaining to relationships or a job; everyone needs a shot.

"YOLO”. Ummmmm no. This is an excuse to act a fool; and extremely immature and annoying.

"You can do anything you set your mind to.” Although uplifting and the intentions are good, sometimes you can’t do EVERYTHING. I set my mind to play for the Pacers….yeah, not happening.

"The early bird always gets the worm.” No. The early bird is some of the time a kiss ass and a guinea pig. 

"I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” This is half right; you need to please yourself first not everyone else. However perception is reality and you NEED to care how you present yourself to other people.

"Nobody helped me so why should I help them?” That’s called being a good person. Not to mention Karma is a huge bitch. 

"You don’t know me.” This very well may be true; you may not know someone personally. However in this day and age anyone can “know” you with a click of a mouse.  Refer to # 13. 

"Money doesn’t buy happiness”.  Sometimes it does… 

"No offense.” ….followed by an offensive comment…”But I said no offense.” This goes for “With all due respect” as well. 

"Made me feel/do.” A friend of mine actually gets credit for this because he said to me one day nothing can MAKE you feel or do anything; you have control. You choose your path. 

"I am never….” You aren’t Miss Cleo; you don’t know that. 

"I am who I am” or “He/She is just that way”. First of all just because people know you will ALWAYS be late or ALWAYS be rude is not an excuse to be an A-hole. That may be the scapegoat you have been using all your life but the fact of the matter is, others need to not accept being a jerk as part of someone’s personality. Stop it. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Narrowed Minds Cause Narrow Hearts

Ok, so this may sound cynical but I have been hearing/reading psycho babble bs on how to be a "woman". First of all, define the term woman? Is this "I am woman hear me roar" type crap, or the "that's not ladylike" verbiage? Second, who is ANYONE to tell us 50 ways to be a "woman"? Pretty sure I learned that in sex ed in high school bro but thanks for the insight. Let's be real, it's 2014 and times are changing. To be a "woman" you have to write thank you notes? Umm ok, 95% sure those go unread and in the trash. Since when did being a "woman" or a man fall into a list of opinions??? The specs for being a "woman" according to these "lists" are quite unattainable these days.  I'm no feminist, and I've been through times where I lost sight of being what a "woman "was. More importantly, I lost sight of me.

So before you all quit reading I'll make you a list... 10 ways to be a "woman"; real talk.

1) Be literate. Just know how to talk good.....

2) Have your OWN opinions.

3) Listen to your heart. There is no stronger muscle in the body.

4) Own up to your mistakes; and fix them.

5) Understand it may IN FACT be you, not them. Identify, analyze, and solve.

6) Believe in something. Anything.

7) Wear heels, or don't. Who cares

8) Open your mind to all the possibilities of life.

9) Teach yourself that perception is reality.

10) Be you. Don't ever feel the NEED to pretend. You're great. Own it Felicia.

11) Be accepting.

Okay, that was eleven. I could go on.

Side note: thank you Bryan S.  and Chasen at Encore Dallas for everything!!!

Monday, June 30, 2014

FAQ About Dating in 2014

As of late, I have come across friends, and even random, women and men that are having a hard time figuring  out the dating game. As much as we all say we HATE games and if it is right it should be easy but here's the deal, it's always a game; no matter how old you are. I have said ad nauseam I give amazing advice but don't take my own; and again, those who can't do teach.

These are questions/situations REAL women and men have come to me with; and I have provided my answers to help navigate this chess game of dating in 2014.

Q) Is it ok for the girl to pay on a first date?

A) No. Never. However, you must always ALWAYS do the fake wallet grab. A couple things about the fake wallet grab; it makes you seem like you don't expect him to pay and is a tell tale sign he is either a good dude or to say bye Felicia. The catch is if he DOES accept your offer you have to be prepared to pay so don't get it twisted. At that point, if he does accept, he's out, move on. Don't push; say "are you sure?" and stop it there. If he is a stand up guy no way is he going to let you pay. have played "strong, independent, I can do it myself girl" all night. Then, he is probably scared you will lay him out if he doesn't accept.

Q: How long do I wait to contact a girl after the first date?

A) This is 2014 so obviously texting is the standard form of communication. If you had a good time text her that you did have fun after you two part ways. Do not play into the three day rule. Chances are she is over you by then.

Q) Should a guy pick me up?

A) Absolutely not. Unless you know him from a trusted mutual friend. This day and age you never know who these people turn out to be so first and second date, meet him. This is for your safety. For real....and carry mace.. just saying.

Q) What happens if I don't hear from them? 

A) This is so ridiculous I can't. If you want to talk to them DO IT! Don't be excessive or too persistent but if you feel like communicating, no one is stopping you. Don't wait for the other one to do it because they may be feeling the same thing.

Q) She never responded to my text. Why?

A) She's just not that into you...sorry bro.

Q) He never responded to my text. Why?

A) He forgot, sleeping. working, working out, with friends, doing laundry, playing call of duty, too lazy to get his phone off the charger...orrrr he's over you. 

Q) Should I call a girl to ask her on a date?

A) Yes, she most likely won't answer but it's the thought that counts. Don't leave a voicemail then text her that you called to ask her if she wanted to go out...she will appreciate the effort and the awkwardness is eliminated.

Q) I went out with a guy last week and his friend asked me out this week. Should I go out with him?

A: Quite the loaded question. 1) Who do you dig more? 2) How close are they? 3) Did you sleep with the other guy? 4) Did said friend get the ok from original dater? All these questions need to be answered for consideration of dating a friend of a date.  If you're asking this question that means you are contemplating it; ergo that original date didn't do the trick. If it is cool with date number 1 have at it.

Q) When should I introduce him to my parents?

A) When he is sober

Q) What shouldn't we talk about on the first date?

A) Exes, money and your therapist 

Q) How old is too old? (girl)

A) If he qualifies for Medicare...too old

Q) How young is too young? (guy)

A) Depends what state you're in...check ID

Q) The guy I've been seeing is constantly on his phone. What should I tell him? It is so annoying!

A) First of all, this is the most disrespectful thing ANYONE can do while on a date. EVERYONE PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN! Unless you have a family emergency; business can wait, friends can wait, especially social media can wait. However ladies, not going to lie from experience 75% of the time he is texting other women. Watch out.

I hope this helps all you struggling daters out there suffering from these issues. There definitely will be a part 2 to this so stay tuned!

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Shining Effect: Why Girls ACTUALLY Go Crazy in New Relationships.

All girls go through the "freak out" stage when dating someone new. You like someone a lot and you turn into an utter psychopath anaylizing each and every move, phone call, text, new Facebook friend that is a girl. It's natural and we are all guilty of it; but the problem isn't US (ladies).

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who had a very similar situation I hear about, and am in, way too often. She was dating, YES DATING, this guy that took her out, on mini vacations, to meet his friends; spent the majority of his time with her. Sounds so sweet right? WRONG. After a month or two of dating, he gives her the ol' "I can't give you what you want, you want to date someone and I don't think I am ready." cliche. Her response: "Ummm is that NOT what we were doing???". Men, listen up because you sure do talk a lot of crap about "crazy girls" but I've said this once and I'll say it again...YOU are the idiots that lead us down the path to crazy; and I am here to tell you you may actually pass up an opportunity to land a quality chick because you can't get it together.

Even the most sane woman in the world can go one flew over the coocoo's nest on you if you treat her a certain way. It is like someone poking you over and over and over again until you can't take it anymore; I like to call it The Shining Effect. For those who haven't seen The Shining with Jack Nicholson, see it it will make perfect sense.

Here is the deal, women are in a lose lose situation when it comes to dating someone new they actually like. We don't want to DTR (Define The Relationship) too quickly because we will look crazy and eventually the guy will do it if it is on that track. We also don't want to play hard to get per-say because we really do enjoy spending time with the guy.   I used to be a FIRM believer in not DTR'ing too early but as of late, screw that. Forget the timeline; if you have been spending almost every day with someone doing things couples do...D.T.R.

Ladies it is very easy to understand but for some reason we try to complicate an otherwise elementary concept. Men love their loopholes. When men pull this crap it is the quintessential example of having your cake and eating it too. Why buy the cow right? What is sad, is we know we aren't ourselves, we know we are acting a fool; yet we let ourselves get possessed by a potential suitor's voodoo witchcraft. We will try our hardest to play it cool but we are biologically disposition to be emotional beings; ergo...we turn into a scene from Girl Interrupted. From a personal stand point if I'm dating a guy I will turn into Suzie Homemaker...shocker I know. I will make dinner, clean, take you to sporting events, do your laundry, drive you to the airport at 6am, help you freakin' move #basketcase. The men that take advantage of this clearly don't appreciate a good/down chick and/or do not care.

Men, if you are treating a girl like your girlfriend, why in God's name does it come as a shock to you when they get upset or act in ANYWAY like a girlfriend would? Are you really that ignorant? Dumb question...moving on. Trust me, women are well aware of your BS, but put up with it because that glimmering hope you give us overrides our common sense. When they say "love is blind", that doesn't even cover it; love is blind, deaf AND dumb.

This leads me to unsolicited advice for my girls and you idiot dudes. Girlfriends, let's be real, guys like games and if you want to play ante up. If not, don't. Plain and simple. Say what you feel. If you are anything like me with the gift of gab you won't let it go until you get a satisfactory answer. **Please note: that may never come and I learned from my gay, who is seriously the strongest person ever when it comes to this; to just shut up and let it go.

For you men, do not, I repeat DO NOT treat a girl like a girlfriend if you have zero intention of that happening. Don't let her meet your friends, share intimate getaways together, spend every day together. In all reality if a girl does go cray cray that means she actually gives two you-know-whats about you and cares what you think. She cares enough to make sure she doesn't do anything to hurt your feelings so show homegirl the same respect. I give MAD props to the dudes that have straight up told me, "Look, I am really concentrated on my career but I love hanging with you.", right off the bat. If the girl is smart she will get it and make a decision then and there. Don't lead her to believe something that in YOUR head is completely outlandish and false as your actions say something 100% different.

All women are different, some may legitimately be nutso; but the majority aren't. One tangible way to judge is if your friends like her. You think they have a good judge of character they're your friends so trust them. The next time you meet a girl and want to see how far you can push it; be careful because you will either create a monster, pass up a great girl OR get a certified looney toon; and that will probably not bode well for you.

And ladies, they will regret it...they always do..... :)

Disoriented in Dallas

Monday, May 19, 2014

Why Girls in Their Early 20's are Like Dogs.

While talking to one of my best friends about his girl situation (s) I realized how much girls in their early 20's are just like dogs. Guys wonder why their relationships aren't working out when they date early 20 somethings when they are in their 30's; hmmm.  You could say this goes for girls in general but late 20's-30 somethings don't really have much room to be picky; not to mention our energy to care enough is significantly lower. If you are going to date early 20 something girls...hope you are ready for a HUGE responsibility!

1) They need to be taken out at the very least once a day. Girls in their early 20's want to see and be seen!

2) They get REALLY excited when you come home. "'re back!!!!!" "Babe I went to Target....."

3) They have trouble controlling their bladder sometimes. Usually due to one too many vodka shots.

4) They need attention and if you are ignoring them, you better believe they will make their presence known.

5) They sleep a lot. Like A LOT.

6) You feel the urge to tell them to get up and do something with their lives but you know it's falling on deaf ears.

7) Their priorities are playing, drinking, eating, sleeping. In that order.

8) They like to cuddle when falling asleep. Ew.

9) They don't know they've done something wrong until you've rubbed their face in it.

10) They need a leash...and not in a kinky way. They will literally get lost if you don't hang on to them.

11) They go up to random strangers and make friends. Sometimes touch them inappropriately.......

12) You will probably need to bathe them at least once a month.

13) They bark at inopportune times...

14) Maybe even bite.

15) They will start to smell if you don't do something about it.

16) They respond to little cues like "You want to go bye-bye?" Or, "Is Katie hungry? (in baby voice) I know she is...I know she is!" Drool and spinning in circles ensues.

17) They DO NOT like other girl dogs. Bitches. (see what I did there ;) )

18) They love to stick their head out of the car window...probably to prevent puking.

19) They may attack at any moment.

20) They leave surprises for you....and not the good kind.

If they get too crunk, just put em down...

Saturday, April 19, 2014

10 Things We All Hate to Love in 2014

Let's face it, we live in a self-indulgent society. The arrogance and entitlement that consumes the world today is fueled by social media and the need to be "popular" in life. However, I find it quite amusing that the same egotistical people that complain about certain things wrong with the world today also can't help but succumb to the societal norm; myself included. It's almost like a vortex that sucks you in and won't let you go; and if it did you probably wouldn't want to...So this leads me to make a list, yes a list, of all the things people hate to love about this day and age.

1) Selfies: There is a even a song about selfies. Although this is the number one most arrogant thing to do on social media, everyone does it at one point in time. We get what you look like but thanks for the reminder...and you better believe if I am having a good hair day a selfie is sure to ensue.

2) Cryptic Facebook Status': This is more for the ladies because men aren't smart enough to be cryptic...or they are just too lazy. (Insert song lyric here). Yes "JOE", this status IS for you because I am too much of a chicken shit to say things to your face. On the other hand this is a very safe way to get your point across without giving up too much control.

3) Meaningless quizes: They have absolutely no scientific backing but we take them and believe that the German Shepard is our "soul dog". They're harmless and can kill time but don't get too carried away.

4) Stupid TV shows that have 7 million unrealistic plots: Game of Thrones anyone? So we have a midget king who I still don't know if he is a good guy or bad guy, a chick that is boning her own brother, some paralyzed dude that was a king or prince but is now paralyzed....WTF is going on here? Since when is this outrageous scenario good TV? Welp, considering the cult like following I'd say now.

5) Duck/Fish faces in pictures: Here's the deal, I hate my smile but I have good cheek bones soooo I'm going to go ahead and accentuate my best features and if it comes across in the form of these faces so be it. Don't hate on the kissy faces either.

6) Ranting on social media: We as a society need to embrace whatever little constitutional rights we still have and social media is the perfect outlet for free speech. If you don't like it, delete, delete, delete.

7) "Tagging": Whether it be a "check in" or a picture our elitist brains subconsciously (or consciously if you really are that big of a prick) want to show people how cool our lives are but we like the subtlety of the "humblebrag"  . Now, I am going to go ahead and say 85% of the time this is a smoke screen to the misery we all actually live in; but whatever works.

8) Googling people: Again, it's 2014 and people are bat shit crazy these days. You better believe if homeboy asks me out I will do significant research to make sure you aren't a serial killer; background check will in fact be ran if things start to get serious. You aren't nuts for doing this... better safe than sorry right?

9) Online dating: Dating online is a tad more acceptable these days but people still don't like to admit it. However, good things CAN actually come from dating online and you don't have to shower to do it.

10) Lists: Case in point.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

30 Things Women Want Men to Know Continued....31-50

Continuation of the 30 things women want men to know; because let's face it, men need some help here.

31) The toilet seat is really not THAT big of a deal. Just another thing for us to throw in your face when we are mad.

32) We WILL go to great lengths to see if you are lying. Girls are 007 if need be and women will stop but nothing to get to the bottom of your BS. She's already Googled you on the first date so 90% of what you are saying to her she already knows. This isn't being creepy; it's good lookin' out.

33) You may think you are smarter than us but in reality, you aren't and will never be. Call us crazy all you want. 

34) If you order for us, you better know what we like. It's great in theory a man will take over and order your dinner; however with the influx of "fad diets" etc it can be a struggle to know exactly what your girl wants. Best to just let us do it unless you are 110% sure she will like it; better be safe than sorry and trust me, you will be sorry.

35) "The power to have the ability to please a woman is greater than the power to actually do it" I stole this quote from a friend of mine and it's so true. It is very easy for women to tell when you are trying too hard. 

36) We notice when you do little things that are signs of protection. Sleeping closest to the door or sitting where you can see the door are signs you truly care about our well being...or really want to get in a fight.

37) We notice when you STOP doing the little things.........

38) We are more worried about how our body looks to you than you do. You can tell us we are beautiful until you are blue in the face but until we feel comfortable with ourselves, it doesn't have much value. However if you don't reassure us you better believe that has a deep impact...just sayin'.

39) Owning a gun and knowing how to shoot it is incredibly sexy.

40) Don't bring up ANYTHING that  may have a serious emotional toll on us during our "time of the month". This is for your own safety.

41) Random sweet gestures WILL be rewarded.

42) Claiming us is the sweetest thing you can do...but not too soon or not too long. I know we are complicated.

43) We are constantly on the lookout for new girls in your life. If we haven't heard her name and she is contacting you...go go gadget watch.

44) A sweet compliment has a shelf life of .05 seconds. After that, it's back to normal. 

45) Don't ever EVER think the silent treatment will work. It will come back ten fold. DON'T DO IT!

46) We hate when men are critical of other men; just like you are with women.

47) Don't try to pick out her outfit. If you want to get us a present, gift card. We will most likely get offended you don't know our measurements and/or style. 

48) If you don't know our middle name by the second month of're out.

49) We absolutely realize your friends want to sleep with us; and we will push the envelope here and there but will never actually follow through. We want to get a reaction out of you...and for you to get better friends...

50) Don't attempt to ask us our dating history if you haven't divulged yours....

I have a feeling this isn't the last of this list...stay tuned ;)

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

One Broke Girl....Ten Life "Hacks"...or Whatever...

Life has a funny way of working out. If you are one of those “lucky” people that have everything work out for you every time, all the time, then slow clap for you assholes. I am talking to the rest of us ratchets that actually have periods of time when we genuinely think the universe’s ultimate goal is to bend us over and take control of our backside.

There is no better way to learn the value of a dollar than LITERALLY not having a single dollar…not even in change. However, I have become a pro at figuring out ways to save your pretty pennies; and FYI, pennies add up so don’t discard them immediately. I really don’t want to do another list, but I am busy yet still want to share this mind-blowing information with you fine people.

The top ten lessons I have learned while being broke

1)      Taco Bell. Um 12 burritos for $5? That will feed me for a week.

2)      Keeping the change. Those annoying nickels and dimes are still in fact currency; SHOCKER. Keep a change bucket.

3)      Know your priorities. Wine or gas?? Make a decision. **wine is the better option.

4)      Google is a broke person’s best friend. If you need extra cash there are a million websites you can do odd jobs that will pay you; AND WIFI is free at Starbucks.

5)      If you don’t watch much TV, why are you paying for cable? Let’s be real, you can stream any show, movie etc from your computer.  You actually can just pay for internet; don’t let those devil people at Time Warner tell you differently.

6)      Only go to bars/restaurants you know you have the hookup. You may be tagged as a “bar fly” but you are actually extremely smart. However, you absolutely have to return the favor by bringing in more people, tipping fantastic (when you do have money) etc.

7)      Shower hacks. Make your soap, shampoo, conditioner etc last by pouring a bit of water in it and shaking it up…it’ll last you a good 4 more showers.

8)      Hungry? Samples. Go to Sam’s…FREE SAMPLES. You can legit get an entire meal there.

9)      Go shopping in your own closet. You may not have worn that shirt that was “out” since 2005, but guess what? Who cares, make your own style; and you’ll become an expert at faking “fashion forward”.

10)  I really don’t want to share this hack but I feel like I owe it to people who are spending their hard earn money for parking. Make up a story about how you are “working” an event or place. Make up a business you work for; make those parking spot Rapey Johnson’s that charge $15 for YOU to park your OWN car feel like they are soooooo out of the loop. **note: this works MUCH better for women than men. Sorry…but I will say I haven’t actually paid for parking ANYWHERE in years…

K BJ was this too long or nah? 

Friday, March 14, 2014

Partying in Your Early 20's v Late 20's....It's a List...You're Welcome.

Since St. Patricks Day is tomorrow I find it hilarious how different people in their late 20’s approach this holiday than in their early 20’s. Which lead me to a list…unfortunately. However, nothing makes you feel the sting of getting older like realizing you physically, mentally and emotionally can’t handle an aggressive social life anymore.

1)      Early 20’s, you spend hours on end getting ready to go out on a Friday night. Late 20’s, you spend hours on end deciding whether or not to even get out of your pjs.

2)      Early 20’s, you can rage until the sunrise. Late 20’s, you can rage until you realize your body physically cannot take any more…of anything.

3)      Early 20’s, you bar hop to the hippest bars. Late 20’s, you may bar hop, but it will be to the same 2-3 bars you always go to.

4)      Early 20’s, you are pumped to try out the new club or bar. Late 20’s, you DRED going to the new club or bar purely due to the fact you can’t handle crowds…or loud music…or people in general.

5)      Early 20’s, you love meeting new people out and can’t wait to party with them next weekend. Late 20’s, you stick to your group of friends and unless you meet someone who knows someone or works in your industry; you will not be seeing Jane from Sherlocks any time in the near future.

6)      Early 20’s, you look forward to dressing up and tearing up the town. Late 20’s, your stomach churns when someone mentions going somewhere that requires any attire that isn’t jeans and/or leggings.

7)      Early 20’s you can live without sleep for an entire weekend. Late 20’s, you pick a going out day…either Friday or Saturday; but never both; you need at least a day to relax from your week of being an adult.,

8)      Early 20’s, if you stay home on a Friday night you feel like you’re missing something. Late 20’s, you can’t find anyone to actually go OUT with on a Friday night

9)      Early 20’s your favorite thing in the entire world is a theme party. Late 20’s your favorite thing in the entire world is when the new Game of Thrones episode comes on.

10)  Early 20’s, you will go to any after party no matter when or where. Late 20’s, an after party starts after you’re done with happy hour around 9:00; and you must know who is throwing it, who they know and if they have ever been convicted of a violent crime.

11)  Early 20’s you drop it like it’s hot on every dance floor. Late 20’s you drop it like it’s hot then can’t get up.

12)  Early 20’s you embrace crowds and love getting in the middle and fist pumping. Late 20’s if there is a crowd, you’re going home or will complain the ENTIRE time until you can dip out of there without telling anyone.

13)  Early 20’s a big event or party lasts days leading up. Late 20’s the mental and physical preparation for 6-8 hours of partying lasts days…and may or may not include a cleanse.

14)  Early 20’s your main concern is when the bar stops selling booze. Late 20’s your main concern is when the bar stops selling food.

15)  Early 20’s road trips are the BEST THING EVER! Late 20’s, you will do anything, even take a bus (Cough cough Julie) to not have to drive to your destination.

16)  Early 20’s you will stand the unbearable cold in a dress because its “super cute”. Late 20’s if it’s that cold…ain’t no one got time for that. It's either Uggs and sweatshirt or HIMYM marathon.

17)  Early 20’s, you have meticulous plans two weeks in advance for an event or party such as NYE or St. Patrick’s day. Late 20’s, your plans consist of waiting until someone tells you what time to be there.

18)  Early 20’s groups of 15 friends to party with!! Late 20’s you’re lucky if you can find 2…

19)  Early 20’s even if your friends look ratchet you still tell them they look good because you’ll hurt their feelings. Late 20’s your friends will kill you if you let them going out looking like a stripper.

20)  Early 20’s=hungover. Late 20’s…death.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Are you Happy in Life or Nah?

I know “lists” are uber popular right now because society has become too lazy to read actual paragraphs, we need a numbered sentence to pay attention to writing; but I am going against the grain here.

As many of you know, I am an open book. I say everything and anything I feel like saying. Sometimes that gets me in trouble, but most of the time it helps others in some way or another to see how ratchet I actually am. In which makes them feel better about themselves.

My life has been a s*&% show these past few months and this has lead me to numerous times of self-reflection and heavy drinking. Including the realization Disney lied and a dream is absolutely NOT a wish your heart makes. It is a tangible decision your heart and head collaborate...on.(sorry, preposition). During these moments of emotional breakdowns, there is one question that is always at the top of my self loathing, wine induced mental state; and that is, "am I really happy?" The surprising answer to this is always…yes.

I ask myself why “yes”, is the answer to this question when my life is literally figuratively spiraling down the drain. I always come to the same conclusion…I am not settling for anything anymore. I have been chasing a dream for over a year and it has been sacrifice after sacrifice with little to no results fiscally. Although money is essential to your basic needs; the feeling that you are doing something with no regrets is essential for your inner most emotional and mental needs. Anddddd if you have enough money for wine and noodles; you good.

Here is the thing about happiness and self-fulfillment; if you aren't in a place in your life where you feel you are 100% meant to be, you will never be happy. You may be sitting at your desk at your 9-5 looking at the doodles you just created, reading this literary brilliance while procrastinating to start your next mundane task; and I can guarantee you are now asking yourself the same question, “Am I 100% sure I am where I am meant to be RIGHT now?” (Excuse that EXTREME run on sentence mom; and p.s. thanks for reading my stuff finally!J) .

I was asked the most profound question a while back by a very intelligent person that has changed the way I live my life. “If you won a billion dollars in the lottery and never had to work again, what would you do?” Now, many of you would say you would do nothing, or travel or live on a beach. That is all well and good but you WILL get bored so what would you do to fill your time? The person that asked me this life changing question then tells me that my answer to his question is where I need to be, and what I need to be doing, no matter what. **POOF** MIND.BLOWN. The best part about this question is that your answer doesn't always have to be far fetched or what the stereotypical “dream” would be; “Oh I’d be an astronaut”, ok welllll NASA has suspended the space program so let’s go back to the drawing board brah. If you are an accountant and you absolutely LOVE crunching numbers yet others may think that doesn't count as a “dream job”; that’s YOUR dream job and that is all that matters.

Chasing a dream isn't easy. I have LITERALLY dug through trash to eat because I couldn't afford food. I have had to swallow my pride and ask for financial help and I am eternally grateful to those who have helped me (and when I AM rich and famous I will pay back every cent plus give you a house in the Bahamas). I am the busiest broke person you will ever meet. However, my dream of using my unconventional talents in writing, and unsolicited gift of gab is coming to fruition slowly, very slowly, but surely. I actually gave myself a deadline to throw in the towel at the end of February. Just give up and get a “regular” job. Well, after the many amazing people in my life that basically death threatened me if I gave up; I am still going. The encouragement of others means everything in the world to me and I am truly blessed for that. However the fact I am almost 30, basically homeless, broke and single, yet I am still the happiest I have been in a very long time; is a feeling unlike anything else I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. What if Steve Jobs gave up after everything he went through? Yeah I know...selfies wouldn't exist. #screwed.

My point to this unnecessarily long blog that Ben Johnson probably will not read is to figure out what makes you happy and do it. You will go through hell, you will sacrifice a lot of things; but belief in yourself and unbridled passion will always equal happiness. Always. Don’t be scared to take a risk because regret overrides fear. Always remember you have to speed up to your dreams because they sure as hell aren't slowing down for you.

K…let this “ah ha” blog marinate…you’re welcome. 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

11 Facts About Valentine's Day that will Make you Rethink those Flowers and Chocolates you have on Pre-Order

Some facts you may not know about Valentine's Day that makes you actually happy about NOT participating...

1)   Valentine’s Day actually goes back to an ancient Roman fertility festival called “Lupercalia”. This festival started with an animal sacrifice then the beating and slapping of women with the animal parts for “fertility”. Nothing says “I love you" more than getting slapped with animal carcass.

2)   In mid February the Christian church wanted to “Christianize” the festival and did so on February 14. That is when Pope Gelacious declared February 14th St. Valentines Day.

3)   There were many St. Valentines back then and therefore no single one can be tied to and named THE Saint Valentine.

4)   There was, however a St. Valentine under the ruling of Claudious II. Claudious II's battle tactics were brutal; making his soldiers abandon their families for a long period of time….way to go Claud. He eventually banned marriages because he believed single men made better soldiers (haha ok).

5)   Well Father Valentine wasn't having it and continues to wed couples secretly. Well good ol’ Claud found out about this and sentenced him to death.

6)   Father Valentine is believed to have fallen in love with his jailer's daughter, and on February 14th, the day he was executed; he wrote a note to his love signed “Your Valentine”. Voala! Now we have the “holiday of love” that started with animal sacrifice, beating of women, a sexist ruler and an execution. 

More sweets for my sweets…

1)   1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sold every year, that is more than every other holiday except Christmas.

2)   35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolates are sold ever year (and probably never eaten because those are gross)

3)    220 million roses are also sold each year…..220 million? Are you joking? Times that by the cost of flowers and we could probably solve America’s debt; and no red roses men...just don't be that guy.

4)   Thinking you’re sweet and clever proposing on Valentine’s Day? Think again, over 6 million couples get engaged on February 14…sorry boutcha.

5)   On average American’s spend about 20 billion dollars on Valentine’s Day each year….slow clap for you America; flushing money down the toilet on a commercial holiday every year instead of paying off your credit card bills. This is my shocked face.................

With this being said, for all you singles out there that loathe this day; just remember it’s not so bad. Actually, the ones who DO partake in this ridiculous, made-up day to “celebrate love” are the ones that are losing in this situation. Happy Valentine’s Day J

Saturday, February 1, 2014

How do You Define Success?

Throughout my tumultuous, fantastic, tough, beautiful, 29 years of life I have gathered some sacred knowledge I would like to share with the world. Okay, let’s be real, I have no credentials to be talking about this but I am going to say my piece. This is deep so get ready…

How hard is it to actually be happy? I am simplistic so a bottle or 12 of wine and some cheese fries do the trick for me immediately. However some people just can’t find happiness no matter how hard they try. Everyone is different, everyone is beautiful, some people just plain suck. Cold. Hard. Truth. I have lived my life trying to find the good in things and people and the best thing I have ever done is realizing that sometimes, that just won’t happen. Period. Things suck, people suck, circumstances suck; but I DON’T; and that is all you need to get into the bubble of happiness.

For example, if you feel yourself lonely or sad; watch a commercial featuring Sarah McLaughlin. That will make you understand things could be worse.  If you find yourself the only single one out of your friends…understand your time will come (no pun intended). If you aren't happy with your job or life in general, only YOU have the power to change it; so stop making excuses and just go for it! What do you have to lose? What are you scared of?  Rejection? Coming from someone that is rejected pretty much 78% of the time, trust me you get used to it. What is brilliant is, when you expect rejection and get acceptance, it’s like finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your jeans; totally unexpected but appreciated. Plus, those people that say no can go play in traffic during rush hour on 635 while sipping their soy latte dreading going home to their miserable life after their miserable job.

Success is relative; and every person has a different definition of success. Some find success monetarily; others in “rank” or working your way up. All of the above are great definitions of success…but what does success mean to you? My unsolicited definition of success is happiness within YOU. Broke, rich, good looking, etc; as long as your heart is content, that is YOUR success.

Don’t let others control your emotions. Don’t judge others for their life decisions even though you might not agree. That’s the beauty of being an individual. Don’t let anyone EVER tell you you aren’t good enough; because passion and drive can take you places the dude in the tailored suit would never be able to take you. Most importantly, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Don’t go all Kanye and throw the Richter scale of arrogance into overload; but be confident and DO NOT EVER settle. Dreams never die. No matter what your true passion in your heart of hearts is, it will be with you always. Don’t let it go to waste. You don’t want to wake up old and decrepit one day asking yourself why you never tried to sing in front of people; you probably can’t even remember what a song is at this point.

So the moral of this story is just to believe and take chances. Life is short and sadly we have been raised in a society where we work to live not live to work; and work isn’t work if you love what you are doing. Even if for a split second you get to live out a dream; make it happen. Don’t be afraid. Job wise, relationship wise, buying the weird vest you saw at Banana Republic. Regret is arguably the worst emotion anyone could possibly feel. **Please note I am IN NO WAY promoting YOLO…you have responsibilities, you’re an adult. Read this for what it is.

You are you for a reason. Rock that slosh beanie, wear some hooker heals to a bar..WHO CARES!?!?! The key to happiness is you. That’s it.

Ooook soooo putting the wine down now…. Hashtag wine induced insight.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"I Can't": 20 Phrases you Never Want to Hear Again...


1)      “Not to mention”: umm you are in FACT mentioning it sooo….

2)      “Let me be clear”: pretty sure if I needed clarification on context I would ask you; but go ahead and state your point you pompous asshole.

3)      “If I were you”: k well you’re not and you probably wouldn't even take your own advice so shut up.

4)      “With all due respect”: usually followed by one big fat backhanded compliment (thanks Ricky Bobby).

5)      “Just kidding, but not really”: …………what? Are you kidding or not? I’m confused.

6)      “I’m probably speaking out of turn but…”: you are. Sit.down.

7)      “A little extra”: Do you want extra or a little bit? EXACTLY HOW MUCH MORE OF THE NORMAL AMOUNT DO YOU WANT?!

8)      “It was bad, but not that bad”: Define “that” bad. Like O.J bad? Or like getting a parking ticket bad?

9)      “Do you care if I…” If you have to ask we probably do, so you’re putting us between a rock and a hard place; we can’t say no because we will look like jerks but we really don’t want to say yes.

10)  “Can you do me a favor?”: Ok, if it’s grabbing something closer to me then you; fine, Taking you to the airport…ehhhhh, pretending to be you because you gave my number to a stalker; NAH....and there will be payback.

11)  “Work smart not hard”: Working hard is working smart you idiot.

12)  “Don’t take this the wrong way but”: There obviously is a chance you will offend me; just don’t even go there....unless you are ready for a verbal spar or a pimp slap...

13)  “You would be so cute if…”:……ok what? No. just no. 

14)  “Do you understand?”: Yes. Yes I do. Thank you for asking……………

15)   “Can I ask you a question?”: NO; and why are you asking? Just ask it?

16) "Hypothetically if...": This is about you. Don't front

17) "Do you hear what I am saying": Yup. Sure do; but am I listening? Probably not.

18) "Just saying": I know this is popular now but we get it you literally just said it.

19) "I like to be different": Says hipster sporting every clothing item that the stereotypical hispster wears. hashtag totes diff!!!!!


Monday, January 27, 2014

How to Catch a Cheater: Signs Your Mate is Playin'

Hello ladies and gents! This blog is actually for both of ya’ll. This applies to both cheating boyfriends and girlfriends. It is funny how different yet similar cheaters of both sexes are; but the fact of the matter is both species cheat. The bottom line is it is better to look crazy then be a damn fool and if you suspect your significant other is cheating; they probably are. 

I DO however believe in innocent until proven guilty, but if your guy/girl has given you REASON to think they are two-timing; you do whatever you have to do to get to the bottom of it ASAP. This isn't a guide to crazy, no one deserves to be lied to or cheated on; it is just information coming from someone who has been cheated on in EVERY relationship...hmm (pause for self reflection).  That being said, here are some signs and tips to catch a cheater.

Signs of cheating bastard/B

1)      First and foremost, they have a password on their phone that you don’t know and/or have texts come up as imessage instead of the actual text. In addition, they have never offered up their password and/or change it often. Now, they will probably give the excuse “it’s for business I can’t have people seeing that information”. Ok, then give me your password. Problem solved.

2)      They take their phone with them EVERYWHERE. I mean…do you really need your phone in the shower? Who are you talking to in there? Are you googling instructions on how to wash your ass? They’re hiding something. Period.

3)      When with you they put their phone face down and/or text discretely; by their side, under the table etc. First of all you’re with me; unless you are talking to someone meeting up with us or your mother, your phone shouldn't even be out in the first place. Second and worse, you see them delete texts. Seriously? It’s 2014 we know how this works. Also, be aware they may have someone saved as "Aunt Kay" when it really is a sideline hoe so don't over look those texts/calls if you do decide to go private I.

4)      If you have been dating or hanging out but not “official” and you don’t talk to them on certain days/they don’t tell you about what they did that night; there’s a side boo. Tread lightly.

5)      If you notice they comment/”like” a certain person of the opposite (or same depending on preference) sex’s posts on social networking sites. They have something going on or they want something to happen. Also, if there is correspondence between your boo and a certain person on social media and you either A) don’t know that person and or B) they have inside jokes and such…they sure as hell ain’t just friends.

6)      If they are corresponding with/run into a chick or dude and you have no CLUE who they are. If you see texts etc and it is more than just every now and then and you have no idea who that person is..sketch. When you both are out and run into someone and they speak like they talk on a daily basis and yet again no idea who this person is…you better find out. Also, if they have Snapchat (gotta love technology), the people they “snap” the most show up if you click their name and if you know absolutely none of those people ask them then dig. Even worse, if you ask your boo about that person and they offer up nothing more than “just a friend”; yeahhhhhhhh ok.

7)      If they have their social media set to “approval” and you know you tagged them in a post yet they don’t “approve” a completely appropriate picture.

8)      When they get a phone call and either silent it right away or walk into another room to take the call. If they silent it, give them a bit of slack because it could be nothing but them being respectful. BUT you make sure to see who is hittin’ them up. If they walk away when it is completely ok to take a call in front of you; they are probably in deep with someone else.

9)      You've caught them lying about stupid things. If they are lying about dumb crap they are probably lying about much, much more.

10)   Their attitude towards you changes often. One week they are super distant the next they act like you’re their soul mate; something is happening with the other guys/girls they are seeing and they know you will always be there so keep an eye out for this.

Now how to CATCH them red handed...

1)      If they have a password on their phone and they have not offered it up/ given it to you after you have asked; pay very close attention to their fingers when they go to open their phone. You’ll be able to open that bitch after an easy 3 times studying their finger movements.

2)      If you think your DUDE is cheating, hack his email. Through my years of being 007 I have learned most men are dumb and use the same password for everything and/or it’s REALLY easy to guess. If you want to know the top 3 that are almost always what they use, come talk to me I am not giving up all my secrets. A man’s email is the key to everything. Once you get that, it opens doors for social media, cell phone usage etc.

3)      If you think your LADY is cheating, email won’t do any good because most women don’t use their email for anything other than work. You will have to do a bit of stalking on her best friends’ social media sites. If there is a guy in a lot of pictures and the time line lines up to when she hasn't been communicating with you; you are dealing with a shade ball.

4)      Look for signs of others in their house/apt. Look for things you don’t recognize like a pair of men’s boxers at your girls, or hair ties laying around your dudes you know you don’t wear.

5)      Ask to see their phone. This is the number one way to tell if they are hiding something. If they aren't they will hand it right over without hesitation. If they’re lying they will put up a fight and/or make up excuses as to why they can’t hand it over. Or, they will say “hold on I need to check something real quick”, yeah they are freaking out deleting texts/pictures etc. You don’t even need to SEE that stuff at this point you know for a fact they are hiding something and either ask them or do more digging.

I have more tricks for catching a cheater red handed but I really can’t give away all of my secrets just in case I need them one day. Again, innocent until proven guilty; if your babe has done nothing for you to suspect them of cheating; do not not NOT dig into their life. Now, if they have done any of said above (1-10); start your digging. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Oh, You Think You're Cool Bro? Think again....

After a night of numerous encounters with a toolbox of dudes, I officially realize chivalry is in fact dead in our generation. So, I am inspired to give men some tips on how NOT to be a complete A-hole and how you people should actually treat a woman.

1) If you see a girl standing and you are sitting. GET UP you inconsiderate bastard. She probably has shoes on that she wants to burn they hurt so bad. Let her sit! It blows my mind how many men will let a group of a girls stand when their entire table of GUYS are sitting. Are you joking with this?

2) If you're standing at the bar and you already have a beverage and you see a woman trying to get to the bar; move over! You don't have to buy her drink, you don't even have to talk to her; you won't lose your "spot" I promise you.

3) Do NOT EVER approach a woman and immediately assume she is an idiot. Being condescending will not get you a date; it will get you slapped.

4) Don't compliment her body "parts" unless you actually know her. We don't need strangers saying we have nice breasts; we now think you are a sex offender.

5) Don't be a one-upper. There is nothing worse than talking to a guy and telling him something and he has a "better" something to tell you. Oh cool, you climbed Mount Everest? I was just telling you I went jogging today? slow clap.....

6) Do NOT NOT NOT NOT talk in excess about how hot a woman's friend is TO her. We are already insecure and you talking at length about our obviously gorgeous friend isn't helping. There is a difference in putting in a good word and making a girl feel like she is going to die alone.

7) If a girl makes you mad for whatever reason, don't you dare cuss at her. This is unacceptable and it doesn't make you masculine; you cussed out a chick...cooooooool. You are not a guest on Jerry Springer so don't act like it; unless you really are that pathetic.

8) BE AWARE of chivalrous acts and DO THEM. Open their car door, pull their chair out, open the door for them, let her order first, let her eat the last bite of cake. I know it's 2014 and we let ya'll get away with not doing most of this but this is how it SHOULD be. Chicks want a Prince Charming, not Kanye West.

9) If you are conversing with a chick, do not turn to another girl and start talking to them mid conversation if you two are still speaking. Even if you are over it, be polite and excuse yourself. This is rude. You are rude. STOP IT.

10) Last but certainly not least; do not treat a woman like she is a dime a dozen. She may in fact suck at life but even if she does, you do not treat her that way. You never know the one chick you treat like crap could possibly be the one you were meant to be with; or worse yet, your BOSS one day.

Remember this gentlemen, without women YOU would be nothing. You NEED a woman; you can't birth your own offspring. Women don't NEED men. So get it together men and respect women; and if you are a man who does all of the above, bravo and relay the message to your jerk off friends.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

20 Things That Will Ruin a Girl's Day...

This was inspired by a blog I read that was written by a DUDE that had no clue as to what exactly could ruin a girls day...

1) Driving to work with your coffee and spilling it all over yourself; usually followed by more horrific incidents during the day.

2) "That time of the month" coming at an inopportune time when you are around a bunch of males and/or cannot find a tampon to save your life.

3) Your phone being at 20% when there is no charger to be found. This could possibly be the worst feeling ever.

4) When you spend 45+ minutes on your hair and it looks exactly the same as how it did before...and/or just NOT right at all.

5) Trying on 16 outfits and nothing looks good...not even your "go to" hot shirt...Plans. Cancelled.

6) When your prospect/boyfriend etc doesn't contact you that all...whatsoever.

7) Any kind of car problem.

8) Getting a call from collections....because of your VS card, Neiman's card etc...I don't shop but the Best Buy debt collector and I are on a first name basis.

9) Remembering you forgot to take your a time it is VERY important....

10) Buying the wrong foundation and now you're either Powder or Snookie. Also, running out of important make up NEVER all at once.

11) When you finally cyber stalk your ex and see he has a girlfriend. Um are supposed to be miserable and alone?

12) When you are in your 30's and realize you are attracted to a guy and he's pretty much the ripe age of 19... jailbait... not cool

13) When you don't get carded over the age of 28.

14) You run out of shampoo/condition WHILE in the shower.

15) Being contacted by a recent ex at any given time.

16) Being up for a night on the town; and your girls that "were down", decided to stay in and watch the Notebook with their significant other.

17) Starving but having nothing in your fridge but pickles and cheese.

18) For the life of you, you can't remember something really important. You will not rest until you find out.

19) Having to buy razor blades.

20) You are out of wine.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

10 Ways to Spot a "Don Jon"

So...I have watched the movie Don Jon probably a good 4 times by now and I can't get enough of it. Critics hated it, people said the acting was terrible; however I think it is probably one of the most brilliant movies of all time. The only people that hated it are people that cannot accept the fact they have been duped a time or two by a smooth operator. Before you quit reading let me explain...

Third of all, (I owe this to VMeeks who tells me ad nauseum to "get to the point"); women are MORONS. It is borderline masochism when women fall for men's same ol' tricks; and unfortunately, they work sometimes. It is almost like we want to be hurt so we have something to bitch about to our girlfriends. Truth be told, we either a) really do like you and you can do no wrong, or b) we like the IDEA of you. Either way, this movie has made MANY women, including yours truly, look back and want to slap my damn self for being so dumb. There are a lot of men out there that are just good....they just are. They know exactly what to say and do and no matter how tough you are, there's something about him that makes you want to believe his booshit, booshit, booshit, booshit. Don't worry girls, it happens to the best of us.

In turn, I have decided to write a checklist of 10 things a woman should look for in a guy she thinks may be a "Don Jon". 

1) Does he have an arsenal of cliches such as "good morning beautiful", "you're unlike anyone I have ever met", "Hey baby"...? Yeah let's be real here; if he is truly interested, he is just as afraid as you are so those things will not come out of his mouth until he knows you feel the same. Plus, I am not your baby, babe or baby mama so stop it right now....because it's cute and don't pull that voodoo crap on me.

2) Does he introduce you to his friends AS his "friend" when you have been seeing each other for a while? I would rather you just say my name, if you can remember it, rather than "this is my friend"...

3) Has he ever taken you on a REAL date? Yeahhhh didn't think so...

4) Does his phone blow up every 5 minutes while out (worse yet after the hour of 1 am) yet he never offers up why this is happening? ..self explanatory. He's got a side boo or YOU ARE the side boo.

5) Doesn't want to take a picture with you/untags himself/doesn't accept the post? hmmm think about it...

6)  Does he look at you like he's loved you for years and you've met two weeks ago? Ok, no. He may be into you; but women, you know THAT look and if you are getting that 2 weeks in...Don Jon.

7) This is tricky, but are his social media pictures are 90% with just guy friends? That dude got a BUNCH of chicks he doesn't want to piss off; best move= post pics looking hot but no chicks. Smart move.

8) Is he overly affectionate in private and acting like he has no idea who you are in public? Come on...seriously?

9) Does he go MIA for days at a time?

10) Last but not least does he reassure you constantly/ has an explanation or excuse for everything no matter what you throw at him? He comes packin' heat ladies; he's got something for EVERYTHING.

All in all, we all fall for what we seem to be the perfect guy. Sad thing is, some dudes are just THAT good you can't help it. However what's sadder, you can't play a playa gentlemen; two can play at this game ;)

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