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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

10 Questions Every 30-Something Needs to Ask Themselves

1) What is my “number”? Let’s be real, at 31, you may or may not have a good idea as to what that “number” is; so, you do the math. Literally.  Stretch those typin’ fingers ladies and gents and get to adding. There are multiple reasons why you should at least be in the ballpark getting a hotdog and not just now pulling up to the stadium. It’s time to face to number(s).

2) Why did I ever think wearing this was ok? Time to do a little spring cleaning! Now that you aren’t just 30, you are IN your 30’s, that neon yellow halter top and/or that chain wallet need to be laid to rest. Just burn them; the needy have been through enough…

3) Are they real friends? This seems to be the question of the Sphinx in your 30’s. You feel bad for just CTL+ALT+DELETE’ing people that have been in your life for eons, but then again ,you can’t exactly figure out why they are in your life at all. If people are still around and you honestly cannot come up with a SINGLE way they enhance your life, time to cut the cord. (If I wasn’t self-admittedly old balls by now, please re-read this horrifically vintage and not in a cool way, paragraph. CTL+ALT DELETE? I use a Mac?)

4) Am I taking care of myself? Like really? I snarked at this too when I was 25 but now, the overzealous microscope of a mirror literally won’t let me anymore. We are getting OLDER and that’s what happens in life…or so I am told. So when you just decide not to wash your face at night, get that double decker beefy gordita or drink like you just turned 21, understand our bodies will not react the way the did 10 years ago.  You won’t be happy when you see your fat, wrinkly, hungover ass underneath fluorescent lighting…trust me.

5) What time is it? No really what time is it…

6) Why am I still letting my past get to me? Whether it be an ex girlfriend/boyfriend, job, mistake made, the past is the past for a reason. Put whatever it is you are harping on in a Walgreens bag, tie it up and bury it because that BS is for your 20’s…you have shit to do today so quit whining and go check your credit score.

7) What is my passion? I am not talking in bed you dirty bastards. What do you LOVE? What are you good….AT? What is something you would do with your time if you hit the jackpot, already traveled the world and needed something to do with your hands? If you are going through the motions of life, what the hell kind of life is that? You’re literally on the downward slope towards death, so might as well live for now and enjoy the ride! Live a life you want, not a life you are “SUPPOSED” to have. Por ejemplo, My passion is sports, talking and writing…I will annoy the shit out of everyone someday on a global level; mark my words.

8) Why am I always so tired? Ok, so this one isn’t something you should really ask yourself. I am thinking out loud…welcome to Thirty One Shades of Tourette’s!!

9) Why do I care what people think? I can’t get over how many people my age still give a rat’s ass. WHYYYYYY!?!?!? No really, riddle me that; because I CLEARLY do not get it. Please, for the love of GOD ask yourself, right now, why?. Whatcha got? Would love to hear your answers. I get making a good impression at work, or to the in-laws, or your future husband yada yada; but I have a better idea! BE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC WEIRDO! PEOPLE LOVE YOU (shockingly) THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!

10) When was the last time I was TRULY happy? Am I now? If you are, mazel tov; teach me how to dougie. You give hope to us miserable souls lurking out here lost and drinking whiskey. If you're like a normal human being, wondering what happiness is, let’s figure out how to get there. I mean, 31 is an entirely different age bracket on the majority of surveys…just saying it’s about time we get it together and smile without forcefully (yet willingly) watching a James Franco movie…

Welp, Christmas came early for you folks bringing this old thing back up…and you’re welcome ;). Couldn’t be more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet—Cheers!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

10 Unconventional Ways To Get Rid Of "Stress" In 2015

I have been on a bit of a hiatus on my blog…wait for it…#KTDB. Yup, it’s a thing now; it’s hashtagged AND abrevied. I just decided to pursue other ventures like becoming an author, (and thank you to EVERYONE who supported that! It’s still out there so go get it), representing a musician who is going to change the world (eh hem Christy Paige), and realizing and becoming truth to myself. Yeah I know, super deep shit. 

However, I know, in all reality, no one reads things that aren’t in list form so I have learned to adapt. We all feel the sting of stress every day; and those who say they do not, well, mazel because you must be blessed by a Shaman or something. Whether it be money, or relationships, family, friends, old age, a broken Rolex, cooking the scallops too long or not having enough gigs on your phone; we’ve all been there. Now, you can’t say I never taught you anything because I have been through all of the above; except broken Rolex...all of mine work famously (baha).

All kidding aside here are 10 unconventional ways to alleviate the "stress" in our every day lives.

10) Breathe Deeply…THEN GET THE FUCK UP.  We get it, “woosaahhh” “Namaste” blah blah. Ok, I’m freakin’ out here man and you are telling me to breathe?! Well, yeah, because it does actually help. Screw all that other crap if you literally just calm down and take a hot second to breathe in and out. You will feel some of that stress go away. Hey, it’s a start.

9)  Get dressed up and go out on a weekday. Even if you have no one to go out with, just…do it. It is amazing how much better you feel just, like, ya know, taking a shower? In all reality we all feel more secure and comfortable when we are secure and comfortable with our physical appearance so why not get all fancy on a week night and have a glass of wine or a scotch at a local bar? If you don’t drink go see a movie or something. Once you feel like you can’t stop, won’t stop uh uh uh uh, then you will start to feel like yourself again. #itsgoinuponatuesday (lmk if I go too far on the hashtags or abrievs).

8) Watch Funny YouTube Videos: Have you seriously seen funny cat videos?  I was so anti-cat  vids until my ex boyfriend got me to actually sit and watch one until I almost peed my pants. If you want something to turn that frown upside down this will certainly do the trick. If you aren’t into cat vids or you’ve run out let me suggest the following:
            -“It is 91,000 damn degrees”
            - “Shit No One Says”
            -Darren Sharper: Hold Mah Dick”
            -Anything with Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timbkerlake

7) Rap/Flow. No, I don’t think I am a “Rap God” ; however what a spoon full of sugar this art form can be. If you don’t like doing it in front of anyone just put on Lil’ Wayne’s “3-Peat” Instrumental and take to the flow floor. You may surprise yourself! Saying what you are feeling in rap form makes it a hell of a lot easier than actually speaking and/or writing. You’re emotional but yet badass. Watch the stress disappear…yes? See how this works?

6) Drive Around. Take to the open road when you feel that wicked witch of the stress come about. Roll the windows down, put on your favorite jams and just drive. Even if you don’t have a destination it doesn’t matter. Take 15 minutes to just drive! Especially when you’re feeling alone and/or suffocated. It’s contradictory but just trust me on this one.

5) Take Stupid Online Quizzes. OF COURSE I want to know what my spirit animal is! I will find myself with stupid ass online quizzes that are like crack. I try to put it down but then I start itching and I can’t go to bed without knowing who my celeb husband is; cough cough Channing Tatum. This mind-numbing activity will actually take your mind off of reality. It won’t cure it, but at least you can rest easy knowing that your lucky number is 11 and your lucky color is DEFINITELY purple.

4) PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM IT SLOWLY: This is self-explanatory. Whomever you are needing to talk to RIGHT NOW, probably doesn’t want to talk to you; OR they are busy following this list as well. Chances are, they've had a shitty, stressful day too so why add to the pile? Just, shhhh-shhhhhhhhhhhh.

3) Walk. Even if it is not far, walking can be very mind-freeing. Literally walk down to your car or across the street and back or around the block; take a second to use your limbs and senses. In case you missed it in second grade, trees create oxygen, which helps us, STAY ALIVE. Read a fucking book.

2) Learn Something…ANYTHING. Quite literally anything. A language, the reason squirrels like nuts; it doesn’t matter. You are taking your mind off of whatever you are dealing with and filling it with something of depth. Regardless of how trivial it may seem; it's knowledge, which is always, power. Refer to #3.

1)  Be Grateful.  I have found that during my time of deep stress, I will take a minute and say three things I am grateful for. If you really practice this, you will begin to realize the INCREDIBLE amount of beauty that surrounds you and that this temporary “ick”  feeling will be gone eventually. You can’t have rainbows without the rain!!!

Ya'll, life is beautiful so cherish every moment. Live, LAUGH and LOVE. Seriously... ;) Cheers!

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