Monday, February 18, 2013
So as I am sitting here watching the Bachelor and watching the species that are women voluntarily leap down the drain; I start to think about dignity. Not that I have much myself but I feel as though women today have wrapped it in a Target bag and thrown it out with the spoiled eggs. Why WHY are 25 women COMPETING for one guy then crying, contemplating their life worth after being kicked to the curb after 7 dates? This single handedly is the catalyst to the "crazy" epidemic. Women please read this verrrrrry carefully. If you throw yourself at a guy, he will ignore you. If you play too hard to get he will ignore you. If you watch the Bachelor and blog about it, he will ignore you...well maybe. Ladies let's do this; try and not be a certified psychopath and just see what happens. Let a guy come to you. TRUST ME if a guy is interested he will show you. We are all guilty of it. I have had one too many glasses of wine and regretfully texted and/or called someone who probably thinks I am grade A crazy. However, if you just be yourself (unless you really are certifiable), let a guy know you are interested and let him do the rest. Personally I have realized that I am just too lazy to be crazy. Whoa, that could be a reggae song. Anyway I digress. If a guy asks you out for the first time via text...OUT. If he asks you to "send a pic" unless you realize you are only going to be "that girl that sends pics"..OUT. Sidenote NEVER show your face idiots. If he can't make a decision on a date...OUT. Do not call and/or text him 2700 times, don't call his FRIENDS 2700 times, don't post on social sites you're with 5 dudes. GUYS DON'T CARE if they aren't interested in the first place. When it comes to dating, women need to have more self respect/self awareness. If you fully comprehend you are being ridiculous, mazaltov. If you actually think you are "playing the game" and "baiting" him...you are dead wrong honey boo boo. All the single ladies out there stand your ground and stop it with the crazy. Capeshe?
Sunday, February 17, 2013
So I have a bad habit of saying I will keep up with my blog but don't. This time instead of having a real job; I am going to keep up with this. Hopefully it catapult me into the fame and glory of blogdom. I am going to post some old, like reallllly old blogs I had in college then the most recent and I promise I will keep going with it this time. No really. So enjoy, don't enjoy, I am still going to talk even if no one listens. I am all too familiar with that.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Since I have done the 5/6 guys you shouldn't date, and I have gotten requests for this one. I will write about the 5 GIRLS men should be careful in dating. It will also give a bit of advice on how to handle this type of girl
Disclaimer** these are only my opinions and are general. These are just observations of women that typically, again in my opinion, are poison to a relationship.
1) Daddy's little girl: Now I am definitely a daddy's girl but in no way do I depend on my dad for anything but a corny joke and tickets to sporting events. This girl has grown up getting everything from her daddy. She may be in her mid-late 20's and still getting an allowance. Now I am not talking sugar daddy here; I am talking real father whether it be adoptive, step, biological. She expects the guys she dates to do the exact same thing but he will never live up to her father which will eventually lead to an empty wallet and months of your life wasted. If she calls her daddy for money to shop and/or has a credit card with his name on it. run.fast. She will probably wear all the high end designer clothes, drive a very expensive car and probably doesn't have a job or works as a cart girl at your local country club. This girl can be date-able but you will have to have a lot of money, be approved BY her father and be man enough to make her stop it with the dad and focus on you.
2) The "Girls don't Like me" girl: I have a lot of guy friends, but I also have a lot of girlfriends. I am not threatened by girls nor are they threatened by me. This type of girl SCREAMS drama. When you talk to her and all she talks about is how Brittany was talking about her behind her back and Suzie didn't tell her; she is this girl, and/or 15 years old. You take her out to meet your girlfriends or sister and she barely says a word and clings to you all night like if you leave her she will break your legs. She makes ZERO attempt to converse with other women while out and at the end of the night she will probably say something like "none of those girls talked to me, they must not like me for some reason ugh this always happens!" If you end up seriously dating her get ready to have no guy friends either. No one will want to be around you anymore or her. This girl is who she is. It is your choice if you continue your relationship. If you can handle drama, she will be awesome for you.
3) The Hot Chick: ok I am not saying ALL hot girls have terrible personalities but many do. These girls are always looking for attention and know they are hot. Sometimes even not so hot chicks have this attitude. When you talk to her you start to ask yourself if this is actually a human being. She pretty much only talks about menial things like shopping, or the latest Nicholas Sparks book, if she can read. She has been used to guys falling all over her and getting what she wants so good luck trying to get out of going to Les Miserable the same day as the NFC Championship game. She is constantly looking for compliments and/or asking you if she looks pretty. She will pretend to like sports because in her mind that makes her that much hotter, which it does but they really don't know what they are talking about. They are probably a baseball "fan" because it is the easiest sport to understand. When it comes game time on the couch, you better believe the fight with ensue over the Cowboys Giants game and the Bachelor. She probably has a job as a "Professional organizer" or "Fashion Consultant", if those are real jobs. She is your typical trophy wife/arm candy. So if you are looking for just a hot chick that doesn't have much to say; date this girl.
4) Miss Independent: There is a big difference in being independent and TOO independent. I am a very independent woman but I am ok with a guy taking care or some things. I am actually working on getting out of this category. She is a control freak, she wants to lead in every aspect of your relationship. All though sometimes a good thing, a man wants to be a man and she has a hard time relinquishing control over the relationship but then gets pissed off you didn't plan dinner or say sweet things to her. She has a good job which probably doesn't leave much room for a guy. This is the most date-able of the 5 because her independence isn't WHO she is it is just something she has had to do. If she finds the right guy it could change. For guys she needs a MAN. Someone who will make her give up the reins and make her feel like she doesn't need to control everything....wow that just sounded like my dating advertisement.
5) The Party GIRL: This girl LOVES the "scene" getting her to stay home on a Friday night is harder than asking Oprah to stay the same weight for more than a year. She knows every bouncer and every bartender everywhere you go (and may or may not have slept with them too). She is always VIP and expects you to treat her that way. She probably drinks in excess which is bad news for you guys because it will probably result in cleaning up her throw up. If you ask her out somewhere the first thing out of her mouth will be "Who's all going". Guys you will be that idiot dude holding her purse in the corner while she makes her rounds saying hi to everyone in the bar. You will always fall to weigh-side and unless you have the hook up at an exclusive place, she's not girlfriend material. Now if you want just a one night thing there ya go!
Hope this helps you men out there. If you really want to date a good girl find one who is fun, energetic, has common interests but is willing to go outside the box. And who at least knows the name of the Vice President of the United States.
Monday, February 11, 2013
As I sit here and do my morning/early afternoon routine; which consists of Law and Order SVU re-runs and regretfully moving from my bed to the couch; I start thinking about life. Is it just me or is it hard to get out of bed if you don’t have anything to look forward to? Usually, I wake up looking forward to which episode of Ghost Whisperer and Sex and the City my boyfriend recorded for me. As in boyfriend, I mean DVR. Lately however, that’s just not cutting it. So many of my friends have their own talents and dreams and are very successful. That’s great…for them. I briefly think to myself how I can get back in touch with some of these people to get a one-way ticket on their coat tail but immediately veto that idea. I was watching American Idol the other day and it was down to the bottom three. These contestants are regular people all under the age of 28 that became immediate household names in a matter of weeks. To add fuel to the fire, Justin Beiber performed. This little nugget is like 15 years old, a multi-millionaire and pulls more ass than most 25 year olds. I’ll admit it, I have Beiber fever. This does wonders to my psyche. I am sitting in front of a Lean Cuisine, no friends, no boyfriend, and no job, watching others live out their dreams before the age of 30. Not to mention lusting over jailbait. Someone put me out of my misery. Actually, I like to vicariously live through others so I do believe this makes me feel better for at least an hour and 3 minutes. I have dreams too. When I was little, I dreamt to be a world famous supermodel. The sad realization is, I’m 5’2 and can’t walk in heals. So I moved on to being a world famous singer. This died along with voice after 5 years of cheerleading. So now, at 25 years old, I aspire to be a blogger. Who woulda’ thunk? I am much more comfortable behind a computer to hide my pathetic appearance and the ability to write in what I woke up in. Oops I just ended a sentence in a preposition…sorry mom. Anyway, the moral of this story; find something you enjoy and do it. Damn another preposition. If you are tired of the same monotonous routine, find a hobby. I promise it will make you feel better and it will give you something to look forward to and get out of bed…for. Crap, sorry for my grammatical errors, it’s still early for me. Until next time!
Good Saturday my friends! Today’s blog is about relationships. I am no expert; however I have had about a decade of experience with the good, the bad and the ugly.
WARNING: this article contains cynicism that may not be suitable for all readers. Reader discretion is advised.
I am going to give you what I believe to be 5 guys you should never date. We’ve all been guilty of dating 1 of these dudes or 1 dude with several of these signs.
1)The Wandering Eye Guy: We all know this guy. If you lose your guy every 5 minutes to the chick walking by with gladiator boats and a mini-skirt, sianara brosef! Ladies no matter WHAT excuse your guy comes up with when you call him out; he wasn’t looking at her shoes or her hair. I have had guys be like “oh man, did you see her face, she had soo much make-up on!” or, “I like her shoes, you should get some shoes like that!” ok first of all, shut-up because that’s all crap. Second of all, those shoes are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen idiot. Guys will look, it’s in their DNA. However, if it excessive and starting to interrupt your very lovely sushi dinner; kick him to the curb.
2)The Serial Dater: This guy can’t even keep count of his dating track record. He jumps from girlfriend to girlfriend and acts like boyfriend of the year to each girl until he gets tired of her. If you begin to date a guy who mentions the words “my ex” within the first 2 hours, that’s a red flag. This is when guys should come with resumes, or a car fax. He should have to explain his dating history starting with the most recent, how long they dated, and reason for leaving. Also provide a contact number and explain any gaps in relationship periods. This is your classic commitment-phobe. He will act like he’s ready to settle down and take care of you and only you; and he will, until he sees something else he likes.
3)The guy who watches more reality shows then you: “OMG did you see what happened on Keeping up with the Kardazzzians last night?!” ok, this SCREAMS gay guy, but I can’t hate too much because my dad loves his reality shows. However at this age, if a guy can tell you the top 10 of American Idol in order from season 1-now, there’s a problem. If we have established the fact he is straight; dude either a) doesn’t have a job, b) lives in a fantasy world c) is a big fat vagina or d) all of the above. In many cases, lack of intelligence is the reason for this unfortunate disease. If all you do on a date is talk about Dancing with the Stars and Survivor, means you have no opinions on current events, which in turn lead to a boring conversation and excessive alcohol use during the date. Ladies he may seem cool because he can name all your favorite past characters from Laguna Beach, but let’s put that guy in the “Just Friends” category shall we?
4)The Aspiring Musician/athlete: This is a touchy one for some girls. This is a TYPE for many women so if you find this ridiculous, um I don’t care. This guy is all about his music or sport. He may like to have a little somethin’ somethin’ from you now and then, but you will never be at the top of his priority list until he signs with RCA records or the Patriots. You will ALWAYS take a back seat to his music and/or sport and if you are ok with that, date away! Personally, I like to hear you sing but after the 800th time hearing “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, I’m over you and that song. As for athletes, I am trying to kick that habit (pun intended) I am on the 5th step to recovery. If he plays gigs, he has experienced some female fans. He ain’t seen nothing yet and believe me this guy WILL take advantage of this at some point so keep your eyes pealed idiot girls who date this guy. Annnnd like I said...one step at a time.
5)The Party Boy: You know this guy. Every time you go to the club this guy is front and center poppin’ bottles of Andre with his shirt unbuttoned winking at everything that walks by. He loves to be the center of attention and act like he’s big ballin’ when in reality he’s a waiter and goes to community college. He’s everywhere, even two places at once. You wonder how he teleported himself so quickly to the next bar. He mostly dates the younger girls because they don’t know any better. This guy is immature plain and simple. His partying ways are just a cover-up to his otherwise unbearable insecurity. One day, hopefully, he will grow up and realize Kentucky Deluxe and ecstasy isn’t filling that void anymore and get a real job and clean up his act a little. As of now however, stay away from this Rico Suave..
That’s all I got for you today! Take these into consideration my lady friends! If you have any questions or comments please feel free to post! Until next time!
For those of you who know me, I’m not a big shopper. The whole idea of spending the day taking on and off your clothes for no other reason than to try on things you probably aren’t going to buy anyway; really is not appealing. I remember one of my first times visiting my friend Linda in Houston. She took me to the Galleria. I was over it in about an hour. So I sat on the bench by the Dippin’ Dot’s guy and she comes over and exuberantly states, “You can’t be tired!!! We still have 4 more malls to hit!!!!” I wanted to punch her in the face. So I pry myself up off the bench, wave adios to the Dippin’ Dots man and continue my trek into uncharted territory. It was at about the 7th shoe store that I blacked out. I think the overwhelming smell of leather and pretzels sent me into a coma. I walked out of that place that day with one purchase…an American cookie. 5 hours of my life wasted, not to mention I couldn’t feel the lower extremities of my body anymore.
It’s not just the actual shopping that I don’t care for. It’s the entire experience. The smelly people nose breathing on you in line, the survey people asking you what you think about their new steamer, the people who obviously have no end-sight in mind and walk about .03 mph when you are trying to pass them like Mario Kart. I really wish I shot red shells out of my butt at that very moment. I walk like I drive too which makes this worse. I WILL be all up in your business when walking to my next destination within Satan’s Playground. MOVE OVER and take your baby stroller with you! Can we please put lanes in malls so the people who leisurely walk like they have all day to do this meaningless act of self-indulgence can stay in their own lane? My mom loves going shopping with me because I’m in and out of each store. I know what I need and I get it. When I was younger she used to have to bribe me to go. At 12 years old, my mother would ask to take me shopping and I was ask right back, “what’s in it for me?” she would reply “new clothes” and I would reply…”I meant in terms of food items.” So I’d go, get my cookie and be done with it. I know this is blasphemous to the female species but get over it I’m not normal AND I save a hell of a lot more money for beer and the ponies. Until next time…
As I sit here in the airport getting ready to go pick my life up ONCE again; I start to think about my failures in life. There are oh so many. Relationships, jobs, a body suit I bought at American Apparel. I wish I could grab a beer right now to kick off my pity party. However one can't help but wallow in self pity after perpetually sucking at everything they attempt no matter what the task. I used to think I was pretty much good at everything; the Lance Armstrong of 20 something women. Yeah well we all know how that worked out for him. But unlike that scumbag, I have a moral compass which in turn has been the ironic common denominator in my failures. Is cheating, lying and stealing really the only way to get ahead these days? I mean Manti Te'o had to make UP a dead girlfriend just to get people to notice him. Yeah, yeah I know Notre Dame fans "he didn't know" Lets face it, he was good but he would have never been that big of a deal if he didn't have to overcome fake adversity. I can barely lie about my phone number when randos ask me for it at a bar. Sidenote, I really need to stop doing that. If "Craig Blue Shirt" is reading...I'm just not that into you, sorry. My most recent failure was just like all the rest. After much contemplation and watching a Paquio fight on tv, I decided to speak up and stand up for what is right. My mother always taught me to stand up for what you believe in; unless you're a democrat, then you sit down and shut up. Well my strong will lead me to unemployment. Thanks strong will you owe me a glass of wine and an apology. In every single aspect of my life I am always a doormat. I bitch and moan a lot more than a doormat though. Being a doormat definitely has a special place in my relationships be it that every boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me. I really am the normal, less hot, more broke Jennifer Anniston. Instead of making crappy movies I get laid off from jobs. I don't know why people think it's ok to be a douchebag and/or sit there and bask in others' douchbagery. This needs to stop. BE REAL. It's really not that hard unless you just really are terrible at life; then it might be a bit of a struggle. Maybe I need to stop dating idiots or doing jobs I tolerate. This is the exact reason I need to start my own business. Although I do lie to myself A LOT, I wouldn't be able to steal from myself. That would just be counterproductive. So what will I do you ask? I've narrowed it down to sports agent, phone sex operator, or starting my own entertainment website. We will see what happens but I will ALWAYS stand up for what is right no matter what and will never let someone take advantage of me. Unless you're Tim Tebow or Justin Timberlake then you can pretty much do whatever you want to me. Just be a good person, or even a pseudo alright person. If that is too difficult, date a Kardashian...
So I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog/NYC to go back to the greatest state in America. Even though Texas had its fair share of ridiculousness; ie strip clubs, all black clubs and getting patted down at the airport like I was the protégé of Bin Laden ( I am not btw... to the government spies that are probably monitoring my computer activity). Getting back to NYC definitely has my creative juices flowing, unfortunately those will be the only juices flowing for a while. But lucky for you, I have more comedic material! Debatably…
As many of you already know, I loathe shopping. My distain for this mind-numbing, stomach churning activity started at a young age when my ADHD was at its highest. Well since clothes are apparently essential for life; my sister and my mother decided to unknowingly double-up on gift cards to a prison, I mean store, called H&M. I discovered this store about two years ago when I found out I could get white tees for $5 without having to get the Hanes 5 pack at Wal-Mart. So when I got the gift cards I was ok with it.
Well, I forget that living in New York, especially during the holiday season, people think shopping is a fun event and becomes a tourist attraction. I have come to the conclusion these people are smokin’ some weed and I want what they are on. Anyway, I went on my way to the H&M in off 5th and 33rdbecause it is the only one I know. For those of you unfamiliar with NYC; it is RIGHT across the street from Macy’s… yet another tourist attraction. So I get off the subway and start on my way to go use my gift cards on more white tees and leather pants…yes I said it, leather pants. As I am walking, people are taking pictures of the most random stuff. Buddy, I don’t think the “Larry Divorce Attorney for $3.99” sign is very interesting but who am I to judge. Problem being, they will stop in the middle of the street, say something in a different language, show the picture to their ENTIRE family, and carry on their way like there is NO ONE else trying to get to some leather pants? I finally get into the store and it’s 3 levels. Already on the verge of cardiac arrest, I go up to the second level. Saw a cool hat so I picked it up but couldn’t find my tees or pants. So I go back down to the Fort Worth Zoo that is the bottom floor. Finally find a fabulous guy to lead me to the pants. He then tells me there is ONE pair left. I asked what size they are and as he is holding on to these pants like it’s the game ball from the Super Bowl; he asks “What size are you looking for?” I said “the smallest you have” for the next 5 minutes he is asking me to guess the size. I think he was so fired up he wanted the element of surprise to be “epic”. Dude for real, there are about 3 million people in this store right now I don’t even care about the pants I just want to get out unscathed. Finally he flamboyantly tells me “they are a 2!!!” Perfect…nope. That guy will never have a job guessing weight at the fair. I take them even though they are two sizes too big just because I felt I couldn’t let that guy down, he tried so hard and seems so enthusiastic. So I go BACK up stairs to grab some tees. Picked em’ up and came back down to check out because the checkout line was 78 people deep on the 2nd floor. I get on the escalator about to step off and the guy in front of me COMPLETELY STOPS at the bottom. I, at that moment, had an Asian embedded in my spine and my face was strategically placed right in this Russian dudes butt. I scream “WHOA BRO! YOU CAN’T STOP AT THE END OF AN ESCALATOR!” He turned around laughed and winked…come si dice GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT in Russian? Anyway I ended up going up to the maternity section on the third level because there was no line (what’s up using your brain!?) and checked out. After a woman paying in pennies and a little black boy named Rico climbing on my leg; I finally got out.
Moral of this story is, if I ever decide to go shopping again, it will be getting the 5 in a pack white tees, at Wal-Mart. I am going to learn the phrase “Are you in line?” in every single language or if anyone knows a personal shopper I would pay them in gum….
Happy Holidays :)
Dec. 28, 2012
I hope all you Texas people are still enjoying the 70 degree and sunny weather…you bastards. Well after a good night with catching up with an old friend and seeing the Tree last night; naturally I ended up wondering around the PATH station just to NOT be told it closed at 10. End result $50 cab ride with the Iranian Jeff Gordon that even made my valet guy get his license plate because he hit the curb leaving my building. While he was cutting off cars and running over old lady’s I asked him if he was related to Lindsey Lohan…he didn’t get it.
So I woke up today thinking brand new day I am going to get stuff DONE! YAY! So I did some work and laundry then finally decided to go to the grocery store. I also needed a mattress pad for the coffin I have been sleeping on for the last month. Actually a coffin would probably be much more comfortable. Anyway I digress. So I make the 3 mile TREK to Target. First of all, my theory at grocery stores is to park as close to the cart return as I can. Well apparently in Jersey, they don’t believe in cart return so people just put them all in a handicap spot. Sorry dude with no legs you’re going to have to park in a regular spot AND roll yourself all they back to the front of the store to get the cart back. Efficiency is not exactly the northeast’s strong suit. Second, I always ALWAYS get the cart with the bum wheel and due to the lack of cart return “returners” there weren’t many to choose from. Come on Obama I thought you were gunna create jobs! I eventually got used to the constant eeeeeeeeeeeeek sound though. So I went with a list but of course I don’t follow it. I realized I needed gloves because once again I lose just one? Anything that comes in a pair I should never own because I have one of everything and the magic sock, earing, glove fairy steals the other. So I go to the glove isle, $15.99 for a pair of gloves…that sounds reasonable? I get them anyway because there are two things I will never be frugal with; anything that keeps me away from cold, and my hair color. I grab most of the items I need, plus a pine scented candle because it smelled like Christmas. As I am walking through the last isle and this lady has her cart in the middle of isle while diligently examining the back of a Chef-Boyardee can (why anyone would even bother researching nutritional value on canned ravioli is another story) I say “excuse me” and SHE moves…umm yeah you are not the issue here ma’am it’s the HUGE frickin’ cart that’s blocking me from getting to my noodles! So I had to move her cart so I could get by and she gives me a grunt. WHAT IS WRONG with these people!!? It’s your world Lecreshia, it’s your world. Finally I am done and as I am walking up to the counter through two little kids singing "Gangam Style" a lady with her future purchase of a HIDEOUS blue suitcase (not the point but just thought I’d mention that) suddenly just STOPS to mess with the zipper. I had to slam on my bum wheel brakes which sounded like a dying cat and clipped the back of her foot by accident. I have only seen someone look at me like that once when I said “Jesus Christ” to my dad when I was 13. I sprinted by before she could cast a spell on me or something.
And we are finally at the counter, gal scans and scans my items having to periodically put on her glasses to read the computer screen to push the right button. We get to my apples $7.99 for 3 apples. Um no. So I said “Ma’am that cannot be right” unless we have reached the fiscal cliff of apples, this is not correct. So I am thinking she must be new because she called a supervisor for a price check. She ended up pushing a button which she thought voided the other 30 or so items she just took 15 minutes to scan. This made me think about all the people striking and complaining about working for minimum wage…this is why you are working for minimum wage.Sorry. Anyway, I told her just forget about it and move on. She kept scanning the rest of my items while the screen was red and not taking anything in. This is the one and only time I will shut up. She scans my mattress pad “Oh my gooossshhh why isn’t dis scannnnning!?” does it three more times then it works…great. So I swipe my card to pay out….”Approved thank you for your purchase” cool get me out of here. “Um it didn’t go through can you scan your card again” “Ok but the last time I did this ya’ll charged me twice” she replies “Oh um well don’t worry about that” so I do it again, press ok. “Still didn’t go through do it one more time” ughhh so I did it. Well by this time she has shut her light off and calls her supervisor BACK over. I told her it said approved but apparently fell on deaf and blind ears. While she was talking to her equally as educated supervisor I checked my bank account. THEY CHARGED ME $213 SIX FREAKING TIMES….They made me call my bank, finally got it figured out and gave me 5 $3 off my next purchase coupons. Although those coupons just paid for my gloves, it is not worth doing this EVER again. I might have been better off AT Wal-mart, at least you know what you’re getting in to and can be thoroughly entertained.
Moral of the story is people are idiots. Common sense is not common and I will now do what everyone here has told me to do and have my groceries delivered…
Until tomorrow I am sure…adios idiots
So I know most of you will not read a single thing I write but living in a 480 sq ft apartment in New York with little human interaction; creates somewhat of a Jack Nicholson Shining situation for me. So rather than succumbing to my inner serial killer, I have decided to revamp my long lost blog and write about my NYC experiences as they happen. I will try very hard to keep up with it because in this city, there is nothing but comedic material and I have realized how cynical and borderline suicidal my Facebook status updates have been since I have moved. Hopefully this will save my Facebook friends the agony of reading these depressing thoughts and provide an outlet for my rage. I travel a lot still with my job so there may be some stories from different states but regardless, it’s the northeast, and it is funny always. At least you get an option whether or not to be entertained with my negativity. I will start the first blog with a quick recap of my first few weeks in NYC.
So after making a 1500+ mile road trip alone to NY and a biography of Jaycee Dugard on tape, many sing-a-longs, and a couple of mock American Idol auditions, I finally arrived. I get off at the exit to where my brand new (sight unseen) apartment is. As I am driving up a nice old man with one leg was there to greet me at a stop light asking if I could spare some money. I said I didn’t have cash and he flicked me the bird and went on his way. I think they need to re-evaluate their welcome committee. So I keep driving down tiny streets trying to avoid hitting pedestrians like green shells in Mario Kart. As I approach my building which looks like the outside of an insane asylum, I start to burst into tears. We are not in suburbia anymore toto. I pull into the building and there is a security guard that waves me through, I guess they were expecting me? Pull into the front of the building where the valet is and PHEW it’s actually beautiful! I go inside and it is gorgeous. I get a tour of the property and finally get to see my place. It is surprising very cozy and nice. Minus the view of the crack house across the street but you take what you can get. So fast forward to furniture delivery day! They come put all my stuff together then leave. After careful inspection I noticed my dishes were broken, they got the wrong rug, and most importantly they forgot the wine glasses. UNACCEPTABLE. So I make trip back to Ikea to return the items. I am a 95lb girl carrying a huge rug and an 18 set of dishes…I’m struggling. So I see a bench so I get out of the return line to put my stuff down and get back in line to wait my turn. I smile at the lady that was behind me like us southern girls like to do. Well I hear the attendant after 15 minutes say “38” and I looked around to see if there was some kind of number dispenser. So I grabbed a number and continued to wait, never hearing another number of the two people in front called. The lady in front of me left and I grab my stuff and took it to the counter. When finished I turn around to head back into the hell that is Ikea. The lady behind me then proceeds very loudly to tell me that I did something bad “ECUSE ME! YOU DID NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WAS NOT YOU NUMBA” “Um Ma’am” I replied. “You saw me put down my heavy objects and get back into my spot because you were standing right behind me” “THAT TIS NOT DE POINT! YOU DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WAS NOT YOUR NUMBER!” “Um I am sorry but are you yelling at me for you thinking you have the right to cut in line because you have a number?” At this point I can’t exactly wrap my head around the fact people are so idiotic they need a number to tell them where their place IN A STRAIGHT LINE is, this isn’t the deli section of Walmart. “YOU DIDN’T HAVE DAT NUMBA!!” uh yeah I think we’ve established that. Maybe it was the fact this is my second day here, maybe it was the fact I was in Ikea and would rather lick a homeless mans foot than be there but I replied “Oh, I am sorry I can’t count and I am sorry I fucking ruined your ENTIRE day!” and then walked off and spent the rest of the trek through Ikea ducking and covering from her like she was going to whip out an AK. So yay second day and I have already cursed a stranger out.
The next night I pick up my friend Bethany for a night of much needed fun. As we are driving back from her place to mine, we have to drive through the projects to get to the hood (where I live). Apparently there is a difference and the “hood” is actually a favorable place over the projects…who knew? So we are trying to use GPS but there is a ton of construction and no street signs so I am driving a bit slower and have to slow down to see the roads. We get up to a stop light and all of a sudden I look over and a lovely young lady and her, I am going to go ahead and assume “baby daddy”, in a 1993 Mercedes are very upset. She is in the passenger seat, arms flailing with her middle finger aggressively pointed upward on both hands. Do these people not know ANY other hand gesture? Anyway, she is yelling expletives I didn’t know even existed. I refuse to roll down my window which will later prove to be the wisest thing I could have done. “LEARN HOW TO f*&%^$& DRIVE YOU C*#&! YOU PIECE OF S*&# B@&%$! F*&# YOU B*#%^!” Wow she is really angry, someone didn’t take her happy pill today. So through my closed window I am mouthing “I am really sorry not from here, not sure where I am going” while Bethany is responding with “what is her problem?” now in Texas, you know not to talk crap while driving because there is a 90% chance that other person has a gun in their car. In New York there is no conceal and carry so people all of a sudden turn into a 7 foot tall mafia boss linebacker. So I look away ignoring it and getting ready to make my right turn and go about my day. Well Trina had a different idea and definitely wanted to have the last word. So I look back to make sure I was clear to make my turn and all of a sudden a water bottle is spewed and thrown all over my car. Thanks for the free car wash future guest on Jerry Springer. So we drove away, both of us obviously shaken up and second guessing our decision to come to the Devils playground. We make it back go to a wonderful swanky restaurant where a bar fight then ensued with 6 guys vs a 9 foot guy who is Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis’ love child. The night ends with me helping to clean the blood of the floor and taking a $50 cab ride home.
It is getting better day by day minus the whole hurricane and being without power for 6 days. THAT was fun too! Hopefully Christmas time will turn this around but for now, New York needs to be sending me flowers and chocolates and buying me tickets to Jet’s game as an apology. I asked one of my dear friends from high school who is a former resident of NYC and it was the best advice I have ever received so I thought I would share…
“Don't take furniture off the street, it has bedbugs. NOTHING GOOD happens between 2 and 4 at the morning. Do not do coke at Beauty Bar, you probably don't do coke, but again, nothing good happens between 2-4 and the morning. Make a gay friend, (one from TX would be good), the gays in New York have the most fun parties, they are actually like what Stefan talks about on SNL. Get galoshes. It doesn't matter if your coat is ugly. Freshdirect.com will deliver you groceries. Go to date-a-firefighter speed dating with a girlfriend. You are going to meet a lot of rich guys that want to date you, so get ready for that. That's about all I got!”