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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"I Can't": 20 Phrases you Never Want to Hear Again...


1)      “Not to mention”: umm you are in FACT mentioning it sooo….

2)      “Let me be clear”: pretty sure if I needed clarification on context I would ask you; but go ahead and state your point you pompous asshole.

3)      “If I were you”: k well you’re not and you probably wouldn't even take your own advice so shut up.

4)      “With all due respect”: usually followed by one big fat backhanded compliment (thanks Ricky Bobby).

5)      “Just kidding, but not really”: …………what? Are you kidding or not? I’m confused.

6)      “I’m probably speaking out of turn but…”: you are. Sit.down.

7)      “A little extra”: Do you want extra or a little bit? EXACTLY HOW MUCH MORE OF THE NORMAL AMOUNT DO YOU WANT?!

8)      “It was bad, but not that bad”: Define “that” bad. Like O.J bad? Or like getting a parking ticket bad?

9)      “Do you care if I…” If you have to ask we probably do, so you’re putting us between a rock and a hard place; we can’t say no because we will look like jerks but we really don’t want to say yes.

10)  “Can you do me a favor?”: Ok, if it’s grabbing something closer to me then you; fine, Taking you to the airport…ehhhhh, pretending to be you because you gave my number to a stalker; NAH....and there will be payback.

11)  “Work smart not hard”: Working hard is working smart you idiot.

12)  “Don’t take this the wrong way but”: There obviously is a chance you will offend me; just don’t even go there....unless you are ready for a verbal spar or a pimp slap...

13)  “You would be so cute if…”:……ok what? No. just no. 

14)  “Do you understand?”: Yes. Yes I do. Thank you for asking……………

15)   “Can I ask you a question?”: NO; and why are you asking? Just ask it?

16) "Hypothetically if...": This is about you. Don't front

17) "Do you hear what I am saying": Yup. Sure do; but am I listening? Probably not.

18) "Just saying": I know this is popular now but we get it you literally just said it.

19) "I like to be different": Says hipster sporting every clothing item that the stereotypical hispster wears. hashtag totes diff!!!!!


Monday, January 27, 2014

How to Catch a Cheater: Signs Your Mate is Playin'

Hello ladies and gents! This blog is actually for both of ya’ll. This applies to both cheating boyfriends and girlfriends. It is funny how different yet similar cheaters of both sexes are; but the fact of the matter is both species cheat. The bottom line is it is better to look crazy then be a damn fool and if you suspect your significant other is cheating; they probably are. 

I DO however believe in innocent until proven guilty, but if your guy/girl has given you REASON to think they are two-timing; you do whatever you have to do to get to the bottom of it ASAP. This isn't a guide to crazy, no one deserves to be lied to or cheated on; it is just information coming from someone who has been cheated on in EVERY relationship...hmm (pause for self reflection).  That being said, here are some signs and tips to catch a cheater.

Signs of cheating bastard/B

1)      First and foremost, they have a password on their phone that you don’t know and/or have texts come up as imessage instead of the actual text. In addition, they have never offered up their password and/or change it often. Now, they will probably give the excuse “it’s for business I can’t have people seeing that information”. Ok, then give me your password. Problem solved.

2)      They take their phone with them EVERYWHERE. I mean…do you really need your phone in the shower? Who are you talking to in there? Are you googling instructions on how to wash your ass? They’re hiding something. Period.

3)      When with you they put their phone face down and/or text discretely; by their side, under the table etc. First of all you’re with me; unless you are talking to someone meeting up with us or your mother, your phone shouldn't even be out in the first place. Second and worse, you see them delete texts. Seriously? It’s 2014 we know how this works. Also, be aware they may have someone saved as "Aunt Kay" when it really is a sideline hoe so don't over look those texts/calls if you do decide to go private I.

4)      If you have been dating or hanging out but not “official” and you don’t talk to them on certain days/they don’t tell you about what they did that night; there’s a side boo. Tread lightly.

5)      If you notice they comment/”like” a certain person of the opposite (or same depending on preference) sex’s posts on social networking sites. They have something going on or they want something to happen. Also, if there is correspondence between your boo and a certain person on social media and you either A) don’t know that person and or B) they have inside jokes and such…they sure as hell ain’t just friends.

6)      If they are corresponding with/run into a chick or dude and you have no CLUE who they are. If you see texts etc and it is more than just every now and then and you have no idea who that person is..sketch. When you both are out and run into someone and they speak like they talk on a daily basis and yet again no idea who this person is…you better find out. Also, if they have Snapchat (gotta love technology), the people they “snap” the most show up if you click their name and if you know absolutely none of those people ask them then dig. Even worse, if you ask your boo about that person and they offer up nothing more than “just a friend”; yeahhhhhhhh ok.

7)      If they have their social media set to “approval” and you know you tagged them in a post yet they don’t “approve” a completely appropriate picture.

8)      When they get a phone call and either silent it right away or walk into another room to take the call. If they silent it, give them a bit of slack because it could be nothing but them being respectful. BUT you make sure to see who is hittin’ them up. If they walk away when it is completely ok to take a call in front of you; they are probably in deep with someone else.

9)      You've caught them lying about stupid things. If they are lying about dumb crap they are probably lying about much, much more.

10)   Their attitude towards you changes often. One week they are super distant the next they act like you’re their soul mate; something is happening with the other guys/girls they are seeing and they know you will always be there so keep an eye out for this.

Now how to CATCH them red handed...

1)      If they have a password on their phone and they have not offered it up/ given it to you after you have asked; pay very close attention to their fingers when they go to open their phone. You’ll be able to open that bitch after an easy 3 times studying their finger movements.

2)      If you think your DUDE is cheating, hack his email. Through my years of being 007 I have learned most men are dumb and use the same password for everything and/or it’s REALLY easy to guess. If you want to know the top 3 that are almost always what they use, come talk to me I am not giving up all my secrets. A man’s email is the key to everything. Once you get that, it opens doors for social media, cell phone usage etc.

3)      If you think your LADY is cheating, email won’t do any good because most women don’t use their email for anything other than work. You will have to do a bit of stalking on her best friends’ social media sites. If there is a guy in a lot of pictures and the time line lines up to when she hasn't been communicating with you; you are dealing with a shade ball.

4)      Look for signs of others in their house/apt. Look for things you don’t recognize like a pair of men’s boxers at your girls, or hair ties laying around your dudes you know you don’t wear.

5)      Ask to see their phone. This is the number one way to tell if they are hiding something. If they aren't they will hand it right over without hesitation. If they’re lying they will put up a fight and/or make up excuses as to why they can’t hand it over. Or, they will say “hold on I need to check something real quick”, yeah they are freaking out deleting texts/pictures etc. You don’t even need to SEE that stuff at this point you know for a fact they are hiding something and either ask them or do more digging.

I have more tricks for catching a cheater red handed but I really can’t give away all of my secrets just in case I need them one day. Again, innocent until proven guilty; if your babe has done nothing for you to suspect them of cheating; do not not NOT dig into their life. Now, if they have done any of said above (1-10); start your digging. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Oh, You Think You're Cool Bro? Think again....

After a night of numerous encounters with a toolbox of dudes, I officially realize chivalry is in fact dead in our generation. So, I am inspired to give men some tips on how NOT to be a complete A-hole and how you people should actually treat a woman.

1) If you see a girl standing and you are sitting. GET UP you inconsiderate bastard. She probably has shoes on that she wants to burn they hurt so bad. Let her sit! It blows my mind how many men will let a group of a girls stand when their entire table of GUYS are sitting. Are you joking with this?

2) If you're standing at the bar and you already have a beverage and you see a woman trying to get to the bar; move over! You don't have to buy her drink, you don't even have to talk to her; you won't lose your "spot" I promise you.

3) Do NOT EVER approach a woman and immediately assume she is an idiot. Being condescending will not get you a date; it will get you slapped.

4) Don't compliment her body "parts" unless you actually know her. We don't need strangers saying we have nice breasts; we now think you are a sex offender.

5) Don't be a one-upper. There is nothing worse than talking to a guy and telling him something and he has a "better" something to tell you. Oh cool, you climbed Mount Everest? I was just telling you I went jogging today? slow clap.....

6) Do NOT NOT NOT NOT talk in excess about how hot a woman's friend is TO her. We are already insecure and you talking at length about our obviously gorgeous friend isn't helping. There is a difference in putting in a good word and making a girl feel like she is going to die alone.

7) If a girl makes you mad for whatever reason, don't you dare cuss at her. This is unacceptable and it doesn't make you masculine; you cussed out a chick...cooooooool. You are not a guest on Jerry Springer so don't act like it; unless you really are that pathetic.

8) BE AWARE of chivalrous acts and DO THEM. Open their car door, pull their chair out, open the door for them, let her order first, let her eat the last bite of cake. I know it's 2014 and we let ya'll get away with not doing most of this but this is how it SHOULD be. Chicks want a Prince Charming, not Kanye West.

9) If you are conversing with a chick, do not turn to another girl and start talking to them mid conversation if you two are still speaking. Even if you are over it, be polite and excuse yourself. This is rude. You are rude. STOP IT.

10) Last but certainly not least; do not treat a woman like she is a dime a dozen. She may in fact suck at life but even if she does, you do not treat her that way. You never know the one chick you treat like crap could possibly be the one you were meant to be with; or worse yet, your BOSS one day.

Remember this gentlemen, without women YOU would be nothing. You NEED a woman; you can't birth your own offspring. Women don't NEED men. So get it together men and respect women; and if you are a man who does all of the above, bravo and relay the message to your jerk off friends.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

20 Things That Will Ruin a Girl's Day...

This was inspired by a blog I read that was written by a DUDE that had no clue as to what exactly could ruin a girls day...

1) Driving to work with your coffee and spilling it all over yourself; usually followed by more horrific incidents during the day.

2) "That time of the month" coming at an inopportune time when you are around a bunch of males and/or cannot find a tampon to save your life.

3) Your phone being at 20% when there is no charger to be found. This could possibly be the worst feeling ever.

4) When you spend 45+ minutes on your hair and it looks exactly the same as how it did before...and/or just NOT right at all.

5) Trying on 16 outfits and nothing looks good...not even your "go to" hot shirt...Plans. Cancelled.

6) When your prospect/boyfriend etc doesn't contact you that all...whatsoever.

7) Any kind of car problem.

8) Getting a call from collections....because of your VS card, Neiman's card etc...I don't shop but the Best Buy debt collector and I are on a first name basis.

9) Remembering you forgot to take your a time it is VERY important....

10) Buying the wrong foundation and now you're either Powder or Snookie. Also, running out of important make up NEVER all at once.

11) When you finally cyber stalk your ex and see he has a girlfriend. Um are supposed to be miserable and alone?

12) When you are in your 30's and realize you are attracted to a guy and he's pretty much the ripe age of 19... jailbait... not cool

13) When you don't get carded over the age of 28.

14) You run out of shampoo/condition WHILE in the shower.

15) Being contacted by a recent ex at any given time.

16) Being up for a night on the town; and your girls that "were down", decided to stay in and watch the Notebook with their significant other.

17) Starving but having nothing in your fridge but pickles and cheese.

18) For the life of you, you can't remember something really important. You will not rest until you find out.

19) Having to buy razor blades.

20) You are out of wine.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

10 Ways to Spot a "Don Jon"

So...I have watched the movie Don Jon probably a good 4 times by now and I can't get enough of it. Critics hated it, people said the acting was terrible; however I think it is probably one of the most brilliant movies of all time. The only people that hated it are people that cannot accept the fact they have been duped a time or two by a smooth operator. Before you quit reading let me explain...

Third of all, (I owe this to VMeeks who tells me ad nauseum to "get to the point"); women are MORONS. It is borderline masochism when women fall for men's same ol' tricks; and unfortunately, they work sometimes. It is almost like we want to be hurt so we have something to bitch about to our girlfriends. Truth be told, we either a) really do like you and you can do no wrong, or b) we like the IDEA of you. Either way, this movie has made MANY women, including yours truly, look back and want to slap my damn self for being so dumb. There are a lot of men out there that are just good....they just are. They know exactly what to say and do and no matter how tough you are, there's something about him that makes you want to believe his booshit, booshit, booshit, booshit. Don't worry girls, it happens to the best of us.

In turn, I have decided to write a checklist of 10 things a woman should look for in a guy she thinks may be a "Don Jon". 

1) Does he have an arsenal of cliches such as "good morning beautiful", "you're unlike anyone I have ever met", "Hey baby"...? Yeah let's be real here; if he is truly interested, he is just as afraid as you are so those things will not come out of his mouth until he knows you feel the same. Plus, I am not your baby, babe or baby mama so stop it right now....because it's cute and don't pull that voodoo crap on me.

2) Does he introduce you to his friends AS his "friend" when you have been seeing each other for a while? I would rather you just say my name, if you can remember it, rather than "this is my friend"...

3) Has he ever taken you on a REAL date? Yeahhhh didn't think so...

4) Does his phone blow up every 5 minutes while out (worse yet after the hour of 1 am) yet he never offers up why this is happening? ..self explanatory. He's got a side boo or YOU ARE the side boo.

5) Doesn't want to take a picture with you/untags himself/doesn't accept the post? hmmm think about it...

6)  Does he look at you like he's loved you for years and you've met two weeks ago? Ok, no. He may be into you; but women, you know THAT look and if you are getting that 2 weeks in...Don Jon.

7) This is tricky, but are his social media pictures are 90% with just guy friends? That dude got a BUNCH of chicks he doesn't want to piss off; best move= post pics looking hot but no chicks. Smart move.

8) Is he overly affectionate in private and acting like he has no idea who you are in public? Come on...seriously?

9) Does he go MIA for days at a time?

10) Last but not least does he reassure you constantly/ has an explanation or excuse for everything no matter what you throw at him? He comes packin' heat ladies; he's got something for EVERYTHING.

All in all, we all fall for what we seem to be the perfect guy. Sad thing is, some dudes are just THAT good you can't help it. However what's sadder, you can't play a playa gentlemen; two can play at this game ;)

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