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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

10 Questions Every 30-Something Needs to Ask Themselves

1) What is my “number”? Let’s be real, at 31, you may or may not have a good idea as to what that “number” is; so, you do the math. Literally.  Stretch those typin’ fingers ladies and gents and get to adding. There are multiple reasons why you should at least be in the ballpark getting a hotdog and not just now pulling up to the stadium. It’s time to face to number(s).

2) Why did I ever think wearing this was ok? Time to do a little spring cleaning! Now that you aren’t just 30, you are IN your 30’s, that neon yellow halter top and/or that chain wallet need to be laid to rest. Just burn them; the needy have been through enough…

3) Are they real friends? This seems to be the question of the Sphinx in your 30’s. You feel bad for just CTL+ALT+DELETE’ing people that have been in your life for eons, but then again ,you can’t exactly figure out why they are in your life at all. If people are still around and you honestly cannot come up with a SINGLE way they enhance your life, time to cut the cord. (If I wasn’t self-admittedly old balls by now, please re-read this horrifically vintage and not in a cool way, paragraph. CTL+ALT DELETE? I use a Mac?)

4) Am I taking care of myself? Like really? I snarked at this too when I was 25 but now, the overzealous microscope of a mirror literally won’t let me anymore. We are getting OLDER and that’s what happens in life…or so I am told. So when you just decide not to wash your face at night, get that double decker beefy gordita or drink like you just turned 21, understand our bodies will not react the way the did 10 years ago.  You won’t be happy when you see your fat, wrinkly, hungover ass underneath fluorescent lighting…trust me.

5) What time is it? No really what time is it…

6) Why am I still letting my past get to me? Whether it be an ex girlfriend/boyfriend, job, mistake made, the past is the past for a reason. Put whatever it is you are harping on in a Walgreens bag, tie it up and bury it because that BS is for your 20’s…you have shit to do today so quit whining and go check your credit score.

7) What is my passion? I am not talking in bed you dirty bastards. What do you LOVE? What are you good….AT? What is something you would do with your time if you hit the jackpot, already traveled the world and needed something to do with your hands? If you are going through the motions of life, what the hell kind of life is that? You’re literally on the downward slope towards death, so might as well live for now and enjoy the ride! Live a life you want, not a life you are “SUPPOSED” to have. Por ejemplo, My passion is sports, talking and writing…I will annoy the shit out of everyone someday on a global level; mark my words.

8) Why am I always so tired? Ok, so this one isn’t something you should really ask yourself. I am thinking out loud…welcome to Thirty One Shades of Tourette’s!!

9) Why do I care what people think? I can’t get over how many people my age still give a rat’s ass. WHYYYYYY!?!?!? No really, riddle me that; because I CLEARLY do not get it. Please, for the love of GOD ask yourself, right now, why?. Whatcha got? Would love to hear your answers. I get making a good impression at work, or to the in-laws, or your future husband yada yada; but I have a better idea! BE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC WEIRDO! PEOPLE LOVE YOU (shockingly) THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!

10) When was the last time I was TRULY happy? Am I now? If you are, mazel tov; teach me how to dougie. You give hope to us miserable souls lurking out here lost and drinking whiskey. If you're like a normal human being, wondering what happiness is, let’s figure out how to get there. I mean, 31 is an entirely different age bracket on the majority of surveys…just saying it’s about time we get it together and smile without forcefully (yet willingly) watching a James Franco movie…

Welp, Christmas came early for you folks bringing this old thing back up…and you’re welcome ;). Couldn’t be more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet—Cheers!

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