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Monday, September 23, 2013

Shamelessly Single


Why are you still single? Raise your hand single people if you hear this and immediately want to punch that person in the face. I swear if someone asks me this one more time they are getting an upper cut to the jaw.

Why am I still single? Don't you think if I knew the answer to this I WOULD'T be single? My answers vary when asked this backhanded compliment of a question. Sometimes I go with my "I keep telling myself this" answer; "I'm swept into the friend zone most of the time because I am a dude bro". Other times I go with my "please feel bad for me" answer, "Every boyfriend I have had has cheated on me so I am really picky". Then there's the "I don't need a boyfriend" answer, "I am so busy right now and I like being single". That one is half true; I really do like being single...to an extent. I rarely give people the real answer, "I appear normal but in a relationship I am bat shit crazy". I have to elaborate on that and say I am not crazy if you don't make me crazy. Just saying.

I like the fact I can be picky and weigh my options. I also like the fact I don't have to answer to anyone or check in. Mostly I like it because I don't have to share my food with anyone. However being almost 30 and still single, getting wedding invite after wedding invite and having to bribe people to be my date at said weddings can get a bit annoying.

Being in a relationship can have its perks. You have someone to cook you things, especially because I don't cook. You always have a date to birthdays, dinners, weddings etc. You can finally have a legitimate excuse as to why you keep blowing off those stage 5rs. For me though, unless you can cook, block out Sundays for football, are not a Bears or Heat fan, have impeccable grammar, can verbally spar with me, have a job and be good at math; I am good on the relationship thing for now.

With social media being a platform for "happy" couples to rub their wedded bliss in all their single friends faces; the constant reminder of the fact you are probably dying alone is more prevalent than ever. Why is there so much pressure to tie the knot? Don't get me wrong I am super happy for all of my friends in a relationship, married etc.; but I am running out of people to pay off to be my date to weddings. I just want to chill, drink wine and eat cake; I don't need a husband to do that...obviously. For the girls itching to get married before their "biological clock" stops ticking; chill out for a minute because I guarantee once you get married, after a few years you are going to wish a magic genie would pop out and take you back to your single life, even if only for a minute. So bask in the glory of singledom, focus on you and relax.

I read recently that if a woman marries after the age of 30 it increases her earning potential by $18,000. I am not really sure where Yahoo came up with that but it's on the internet so it must be true...and awesome. So whenever someone asks me why I am still single, I am going to go with that answer. Now, after 30 I got nothin' but at that point it may be time for me to just throw in the towel... or continue to wait until Justin Timberlake gets a divorce...

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