One Broke Girl....Ten Life "Hacks"...or Whatever...

Life has a funny way of working out. If you are one of those “lucky” people that have everything work out for you every time, all the time, then slow clap for you assholes. I am talking to the rest of us ratchets that actually have periods of time when we genuinely think the universe’s ultimate goal is to bend us over and take control of our backside.

There is no better way to learn the value of a dollar than LITERALLY not having a single dollar…not even in change. However, I have become a pro at figuring out ways to save your pretty pennies; and FYI, pennies add up so don’t discard them immediately. I really don’t want to do another list, but I am busy yet still want to share this mind-blowing information with you fine people.

The top ten lessons I have learned while being broke

1)      Taco Bell. Um 12 burritos for $5? That will feed me for a week.

2)      Keeping the change. Those annoying nickels and dimes are still in fact currency; SHOCKER. Keep a change bucket.

3)      Know your priorities. Wine or gas?? Make a decision. **wine is the better option.

4)      Google is a broke person’s best friend. If you need extra cash there are a million websites you can do odd jobs that will pay you; AND WIFI is free at Starbucks.

5)      If you don’t watch much TV, why are you paying for cable? Let’s be real, you can stream any show, movie etc from your computer.  You actually can just pay for internet; don’t let those devil people at Time Warner tell you differently.

6)      Only go to bars/restaurants you know you have the hookup. You may be tagged as a “bar fly” but you are actually extremely smart. However, you absolutely have to return the favor by bringing in more people, tipping fantastic (when you do have money) etc.

7)      Shower hacks. Make your soap, shampoo, conditioner etc last by pouring a bit of water in it and shaking it up…it’ll last you a good 4 more showers.

8)      Hungry? Samples. Go to Sam’s…FREE SAMPLES. You can legit get an entire meal there.

9)      Go shopping in your own closet. You may not have worn that shirt that was “out” since 2005, but guess what? Who cares, make your own style; and you’ll become an expert at faking “fashion forward”.

10)  I really don’t want to share this hack but I feel like I owe it to people who are spending their hard earn money for parking. Make up a story about how you are “working” an event or place. Make up a business you work for; make those parking spot Rapey Johnson’s that charge $15 for YOU to park your OWN car feel like they are soooooo out of the loop. **note: this works MUCH better for women than men. Sorry…but I will say I haven’t actually paid for parking ANYWHERE in years…

K BJ was this too long or nah? 

Partying in Your Early 20's v Late 20's....It's a List...You're Welcome.

Since St. Patricks Day is tomorrow I find it hilarious how different people in their late 20’s approach this holiday than in their early 20’s. Which lead me to a list…unfortunately. However, nothing makes you feel the sting of getting older like realizing you physically, mentally and emotionally can’t handle an aggressive social life anymore.

1)      Early 20’s, you spend hours on end getting ready to go out on a Friday night. Late 20’s, you spend hours on end deciding whether or not to even get out of your pjs.

2)      Early 20’s, you can rage until the sunrise. Late 20’s, you can rage until you realize your body physically cannot take any more…of anything.

3)      Early 20’s, you bar hop to the hippest bars. Late 20’s, you may bar hop, but it will be to the same 2-3 bars you always go to.

4)      Early 20’s, you are pumped to try out the new club or bar. Late 20’s, you DRED going to the new club or bar purely due to the fact you can’t handle crowds…or loud music…or people in general.

5)      Early 20’s, you love meeting new people out and can’t wait to party with them next weekend. Late 20’s, you stick to your group of friends and unless you meet someone who knows someone or works in your industry; you will not be seeing Jane from Sherlocks any time in the near future.

6)      Early 20’s, you look forward to dressing up and tearing up the town. Late 20’s, your stomach churns when someone mentions going somewhere that requires any attire that isn’t jeans and/or leggings.

7)      Early 20’s you can live without sleep for an entire weekend. Late 20’s, you pick a going out day…either Friday or Saturday; but never both; you need at least a day to relax from your week of being an adult.,

8)      Early 20’s, if you stay home on a Friday night you feel like you’re missing something. Late 20’s, you can’t find anyone to actually go OUT with on a Friday night

9)      Early 20’s your favorite thing in the entire world is a theme party. Late 20’s your favorite thing in the entire world is when the new Game of Thrones episode comes on.

10)  Early 20’s, you will go to any after party no matter when or where. Late 20’s, an after party starts after you’re done with happy hour around 9:00; and you must know who is throwing it, who they know and if they have ever been convicted of a violent crime.

11)  Early 20’s you drop it like it’s hot on every dance floor. Late 20’s you drop it like it’s hot then can’t get up.

12)  Early 20’s you embrace crowds and love getting in the middle and fist pumping. Late 20’s if there is a crowd, you’re going home or will complain the ENTIRE time until you can dip out of there without telling anyone.

13)  Early 20’s a big event or party lasts days leading up. Late 20’s the mental and physical preparation for 6-8 hours of partying lasts days…and may or may not include a cleanse.

14)  Early 20’s your main concern is when the bar stops selling booze. Late 20’s your main concern is when the bar stops selling food.

15)  Early 20’s road trips are the BEST THING EVER! Late 20’s, you will do anything, even take a bus (Cough cough Julie) to not have to drive to your destination.

16)  Early 20’s you will stand the unbearable cold in a dress because its “super cute”. Late 20’s if it’s that cold…ain’t no one got time for that. It's either Uggs and sweatshirt or HIMYM marathon.

17)  Early 20’s, you have meticulous plans two weeks in advance for an event or party such as NYE or St. Patrick’s day. Late 20’s, your plans consist of waiting until someone tells you what time to be there.

18)  Early 20’s groups of 15 friends to party with!! Late 20’s you’re lucky if you can find 2…

19)  Early 20’s even if your friends look ratchet you still tell them they look good because you’ll hurt their feelings. Late 20’s your friends will kill you if you let them going out looking like a stripper.

20)  Early 20’s=hungover. Late 20’s…death.

Are you Happy in Life or Nah?

I know “lists” are uber popular right now because society has become too lazy to read actual paragraphs, we need a numbered sentence to pay attention to writing; but I am going against the grain here.

As many of you know, I am an open book. I say everything and anything I feel like saying. Sometimes that gets me in trouble, but most of the time it helps others in some way or another to see how ratchet I actually am. In which makes them feel better about themselves.

My life has been a s*&% show these past few months and this has lead me to numerous times of self-reflection and heavy drinking. Including the realization Disney lied and a dream is absolutely NOT a wish your heart makes. It is a tangible decision your heart and head collaborate...on.(sorry, preposition). During these moments of emotional breakdowns, there is one question that is always at the top of my self loathing, wine induced mental state; and that is, "am I really happy?" The surprising answer to this is always…yes.

I ask myself why “yes”, is the answer to this question when my life is literally figuratively spiraling down the drain. I always come to the same conclusion…I am not settling for anything anymore. I have been chasing a dream for over a year and it has been sacrifice after sacrifice with little to no results fiscally. Although money is essential to your basic needs; the feeling that you are doing something with no regrets is essential for your inner most emotional and mental needs. Anddddd if you have enough money for wine and noodles; you good.

Here is the thing about happiness and self-fulfillment; if you aren't in a place in your life where you feel you are 100% meant to be, you will never be happy. You may be sitting at your desk at your 9-5 looking at the doodles you just created, reading this literary brilliance while procrastinating to start your next mundane task; and I can guarantee you are now asking yourself the same question, “Am I 100% sure I am where I am meant to be RIGHT now?” (Excuse that EXTREME run on sentence mom; and p.s. thanks for reading my stuff finally!J) .

I was asked the most profound question a while back by a very intelligent person that has changed the way I live my life. “If you won a billion dollars in the lottery and never had to work again, what would you do?” Now, many of you would say you would do nothing, or travel or live on a beach. That is all well and good but you WILL get bored so what would you do to fill your time? The person that asked me this life changing question then tells me that my answer to his question is where I need to be, and what I need to be doing, no matter what. **POOF** MIND.BLOWN. The best part about this question is that your answer doesn't always have to be far fetched or what the stereotypical “dream” would be; “Oh I’d be an astronaut”, ok welllll NASA has suspended the space program so let’s go back to the drawing board brah. If you are an accountant and you absolutely LOVE crunching numbers yet others may think that doesn't count as a “dream job”; that’s YOUR dream job and that is all that matters.

Chasing a dream isn't easy. I have LITERALLY dug through trash to eat because I couldn't afford food. I have had to swallow my pride and ask for financial help and I am eternally grateful to those who have helped me (and when I AM rich and famous I will pay back every cent plus give you a house in the Bahamas). I am the busiest broke person you will ever meet. However, my dream of using my unconventional talents in writing, and unsolicited gift of gab is coming to fruition slowly, very slowly, but surely. I actually gave myself a deadline to throw in the towel at the end of February. Just give up and get a “regular” job. Well, after the many amazing people in my life that basically death threatened me if I gave up; I am still going. The encouragement of others means everything in the world to me and I am truly blessed for that. However the fact I am almost 30, basically homeless, broke and single, yet I am still the happiest I have been in a very long time; is a feeling unlike anything else I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. What if Steve Jobs gave up after everything he went through? Yeah I know...selfies wouldn't exist. #screwed.

My point to this unnecessarily long blog that Ben Johnson probably will not read is to figure out what makes you happy and do it. You will go through hell, you will sacrifice a lot of things; but belief in yourself and unbridled passion will always equal happiness. Always. Don’t be scared to take a risk because regret overrides fear. Always remember you have to speed up to your dreams because they sure as hell aren't slowing down for you.

K…let this “ah ha” blog marinate…you’re welcome.