Things Young, Successful Dudes Say

“That was a great idea, I am definitely sharing that on Google docs”

“Dude was wearing Armani… definitely gay.”

“I have to check with my lawyer first.”

 “Yo man I need to borrow your shoe polish, I’m out.”

“I was still drunk in my meeting this morning I fired Hank.”

“Yeah I’ll come over, you DO have Apple TV right?”

“My Mercedes blew up because it had grammatical errors.”

“Please don’t get wine on my Banana Republic jacket.”

“Sorry the place is a mess, the maid doesn’t come until tomorrow.”

“He pronounced patronize PAT-TRON-IZE…it’s a long “a” bro.”

“I’ll bet you $500 in cash right now I can jump this fence.”

“I am so sore from that deep tissue massage yesterday.”

“He is not qualified, he didn’t even wear a custom suit.”

“Girl, your toes are ratchet here’s some money, get a pedicure.”

"Google me."

“Who’s all there? Is it poppin’, let’s just get a table.”

“$345 for a bottle of Grey Goose…ha that’s a steal.”

“Can you roll your window up? It’s messing up my hair.”

“She doesn’t have to be smart, just coherent.”

“Then I found out she had a PC…..”

"Why are you asking where it is? You have Google maps don't you?"

“My phone died.”

“I have to charge my phone.”

“Does the bar have an iPhone 5 charger?”

"I have to go buy a charger."

“Do you have a charger?”

“My phone is literally about to die.”

“I met her on Tinder.”

Believe Half of What You See and Nothing of What You Hear

‘

Have ya’ll ever played the game “Telephone”? If you attended any form of summer camp, played any sport, or take a form of anti-depressant, I am sure you have. For those that probably never played with the amazingness that was the colored parachute either, I will explain briefly. Telephone is a game where a group of people sit in a circle and one person starts out whispering a sentence to the person sitting next to them and so on and so forth. Simplistically, the goal is to get the last person to hear the sentence after completing the circle to repeat verbatim how the original sentence was stated. Sounds easy right? How many of you that have partaken in this activity had the person at the end actually say it correctly? I am going to go ahead and say zero to five.

The very obvious undertone of this silly game was how quickly something, passing from ear to ear, can get turned into something 100% different. The lesson…gossip. Most associate gossip with their teenage years when it seemed as though the world was ending if you got in a fight with a friend or boyfriend or people had a negative perception of you; as it turns out, even in adulthood gossip exists…and is even worse.

9 times out of 10 whatever you hear via a third party about a person is false. Albeit probably stemming from some kind of truth; the more ears that try and interpret whatever may be said, the more twisted it gets.

Why, as grown men and women, do we feel the need to talk about others negatively? Let me interject my own writing and say I am guilty of this too; however nothing I say behind anyone’s back I haven’t either already said to their face or wouldn't say to their face. Let’s say I am playing Devil’s advocate here. What are the REAL reasons people feel the need to speak on people without hearing any of what they are repeating from the horse’s mouth? Is society that desperate for conversation people have to find common ground by conversing about the bad things they've heard or THOUGHT they've seen regarding another person? Are people really that malicious they would legitimately go out of their way to smear someone’s name?  Have we lost sight of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”? The answer is yes.

Think about your conversations with your friends; do you talk about politics, movies, current events? Probably; but compare that to how often you speak about other people. Be it friends, enemies, boyfriends, family etc. Personally, it’s shocking to actually examine the amount of time we spend talking about other people; whether good or bad. The gossip and negative statements however seem to trump the positive statements about people while around others. Why? Because “they’re great” isn't interesting. “Blah Blah slept with so and so” is interesting. Why do you think the media never tells stories about how Johnny Manziel gave his only ticket to the green room during the draft to a 5 yr old boy who is suffering from cancer he’s been visiting for years? Borrrrring. (it’s true by the way). How sad is it that good is boring? People would rather talk about him getting arrested…in which is a perfect example of believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. People want to hear juicy gossip, not your opinion on Boehner's lawsuit on Obama.

Some people don’t understand the effects of gossip. Young people are literally killing themselves over it, As adults, a “bad reputation” could cost you friends, relationships, jobs even…so why are we putting each other through this? Yeah so and so may have made a mistake or what not; guess what…we all make a million mistakes every day. Some people think it’s just their town or city and once they move it will go away…it never goes away. People will always talk. Period.

My point is this, be yourself, that’s all you can do. If people say things about you either own it,  set the record straight or turn the other cheek; it’s not worth getting upset over because there really isn’t anything you can do to change it, except be honest. The other half to this point I am carrying on way too long is limit the negative talk about people if you don’t know actual facts. I get trying to protect a brother or sister or friends from someone you “heard” wasn’t a great person. Let’s be honest, we are adults, we make our own decisions and own judgments; get to know a person before you repeat something that has gone through the telephone. You never know if whatever hearsay you are repeating could damage a person’s life in a big way; because unfortunately, people don’t take in to consideration the reverse distillation of gossip.

Be kind…rewind.

15 Things NOT to Do at a Bar......

Since it is Saturday night and after being in the service industry on and off since 16 yrs old, I figured this was the perfect time for this list…yes, list. Especially because writing makes very little money and I am back in the server saddle on the weekends.

1)      Don’t ask the bartenders for some made up shot then get mad when they ask what it is. You made it up…or some other bartender made it up. Chances are they will put whatever they feel like in it and charge you extra for being a jackass.

2)      Don’t act like you are better than the employees at the establishment. THEY are working while YOU are drinking. They don’t come into your office and treat you like a minion so don’t do it to them.

3)      Don’t cry. You are at a bar. In public. If you feel that lump in your throat, go to the bathroom…or your therapist.

4)      Don’t ask how much a drink costs. Trust me, I do this all the time but am trying to stop. Straight up, it makes you look cheap. If you are out you are probably going to spend money…SHOCKER.

5)      If you can’t find your card don’t automatically assume the bar lost it. You are drinking, probably hitting on a 4 or worse…who has better odds of losing a credit card here?

6)      Don’t go up to the bar and wait then take a million and seven hours to decide what you want. What exactly have you been doing for 5 minutes?

7)      Don’t fight. Just don’t. Bars have bouncers that are exponentially bigger than you and the only reason why they aren’t putting you in the hospital is because that is illegal.

8)      Don’t pay in change………..

9)      If you are at a speed bar NEVER NEVER order a Chilton, Manhattan or Mojito; amongst other complicated concoctions. We have things to do.

10)   Don’t order 65 drinks at once. Bartenders legally can only serve two (in Texas) at a time; consider it nice if they give you more.

11)   Don’t cross the line when flirting with bar employees. Whether it be bartenders, door guys etc. Flirting is perfectly acceptable; it’s part of the job. However if you sit by their well all night long detouring other patrons; you are costing them money.

12)   Don’t ask for free crap. Do you work for free? Neither do we.

13)   Don’t act put off if the bar doesn’t have “your’ drink or shot. It’s a bar, with alcohol….find something else.

14)   Like at the Zoo, do not touch.

15)   Don’t leave zero tip. We remember…trust me. 

20 of the Most Ridiculous Statements About Life People Actually Believe

1It's easy to hear or see a seemingly insightful quote or saying and believe it; we all do it let's be real. Sometimes though, they either make zero sense whatsoever, or they are just absolutely ludicrous. These are 20 statements I find to be the most untrue, ridiculous, brainwashing statements people always tend to think hold water. Which in fact, they hold nothing but your normally smart brains hostage for 5 seconds.

"Work smarter not harder.” How about do both? Hard work IS smart work. 

"I’ll forgive but I won’t forget.” That defeats the whole purpose to forgiveness. If you decide to forgive, let it go and move on.

"I expected…” I am not even sure why this word exists. There is NO SUCH THING as expectations. There is faith in that what you are doing is going to turn out the way you want; but you can never EVER “expect” anything out of anything or anyone. 

"My talent will speak for itself.” Unfortunately boys and girls, your talent won’t always speak. You will lose jobs to people less talented, period. That is the way the world works, however if you see something in yourself that others aren't seeing; figure out a way for people to notice YOU and your talent.

"Everything is a competition.” No it’s not. Stop trying to compete with people who, chances are, don’t even know you are trying to “win.” Just do you. 

" It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” I get that but depending on what this applies to, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. There is a difference in taking a risk for the better and just doing whatever the hell you want to do because you think “sorry” will cut it. 

"I don’t care, it’s whatever”. Especially when people talk about relationships. You absolutely 100% care or you wouldn’t be talking about it.

 "II can’t” (before trying). Not the white girl saying, but saying you legitimately can’t do something. Yes, you can; at least try.

"He/She isn’t ready.” Says who? Whether it be pertaining to relationships or a job; everyone needs a shot.

"YOLO”. Ummmmm no. This is an excuse to act a fool; and extremely immature and annoying.

"You can do anything you set your mind to.” Although uplifting and the intentions are good, sometimes you can’t do EVERYTHING. I set my mind to play for the Pacers….yeah, not happening.

"The early bird always gets the worm.” No. The early bird is some of the time a kiss ass and a guinea pig. 

"I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” This is half right; you need to please yourself first not everyone else. However perception is reality and you NEED to care how you present yourself to other people.

"Nobody helped me so why should I help them?” That’s called being a good person. Not to mention Karma is a huge bitch. 

"You don’t know me.” This very well may be true; you may not know someone personally. However in this day and age anyone can “know” you with a click of a mouse.  Refer to # 13. 

"Money doesn’t buy happiness”.  Sometimes it does… 

"No offense.” ….followed by an offensive comment…”But I said no offense.” This goes for “With all due respect” as well. 

"Made me feel/do.” A friend of mine actually gets credit for this because he said to me one day nothing can MAKE you feel or do anything; you have control. You choose your path. 

"I am never….” You aren’t Miss Cleo; you don’t know that. 

"I am who I am” or “He/She is just that way”. First of all just because people know you will ALWAYS be late or ALWAYS be rude is not an excuse to be an A-hole. That may be the scapegoat you have been using all your life but the fact of the matter is, others need to not accept being a jerk as part of someone’s personality. Stop it. 

Narrowed Minds Cause Narrow Hearts

Ok, so this may sound cynical but I have been hearing/reading psycho babble bs on how to be a "woman". First of all, define the term woman? Is this "I am woman hear me roar" type crap, or the "that's not ladylike" verbiage? Second, who is ANYONE to tell us 50 ways to be a "woman"? Pretty sure I learned that in sex ed in high school bro but thanks for the insight. Let's be real, it's 2014 and times are changing. To be a "woman" you have to write thank you notes? Umm ok, 95% sure those go unread and in the trash. Since when did being a "woman" or a man fall into a list of opinions??? The specs for being a "woman" according to these "lists" are quite unattainable these days.  I'm no feminist, and I've been through times where I lost sight of being what a "woman "was. More importantly, I lost sight of me.

So before you all quit reading I'll make you a list... 10 ways to be a "woman"; real talk.

1) Be literate. Just know how to talk good.....

2) Have your OWN opinions.

3) Listen to your heart. There is no stronger muscle in the body.

4) Own up to your mistakes; and fix them.

5) Understand it may IN FACT be you, not them. Identify, analyze, and solve.

6) Believe in something. Anything.

7) Wear heels, or don't. Who cares

8) Open your mind to all the possibilities of life.

9) Teach yourself that perception is reality.

10) Be you. Don't ever feel the NEED to pretend. You're great. Own it Felicia.

11) Be accepting.

Okay, that was eleven. I could go on.

Side note: thank you Bryan S.  and Chasen at Encore Dallas for everything!!!