So I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog/NYC to go back to the greatest state in America. Even though Texas had its fair share of ridiculousness; ie strip clubs, all black clubs and getting patted down at the airport like I was the protégé of Bin Laden ( I am not btw... to the government spies that are probably monitoring my computer activity). Getting back to NYC definitely has my creative juices flowing, unfortunately those will be the only juices flowing for a while. But lucky for you, I have more comedic material! Debatably…
As many of you already know, I loathe shopping. My distain for this mind-numbing, stomach churning activity started at a young age when my ADHD was at its highest. Well since clothes are apparently essential for life; my sister and my mother decided to unknowingly double-up on gift cards to a prison, I mean store, called H&M. I discovered this store about two years ago when I found out I could get white tees for $5 without having to get the Hanes 5 pack at Wal-Mart. So when I got the gift cards I was ok with it.
Well, I forget that living in New York, especially during the holiday season, people think shopping is a fun event and becomes a tourist attraction. I have come to the conclusion these people are smokin’ some weed and I want what they are on. Anyway, I went on my way to the H&M in off 5th and 33rdbecause it is the only one I know. For those of you unfamiliar with NYC; it is RIGHT across the street from Macy’s… yet another tourist attraction. So I get off the subway and start on my way to go use my gift cards on more white tees and leather pants…yes I said it, leather pants. As I am walking, people are taking pictures of the most random stuff. Buddy, I don’t think the “Larry Divorce Attorney for $3.99” sign is very interesting but who am I to judge. Problem being, they will stop in the middle of the street, say something in a different language, show the picture to their ENTIRE family, and carry on their way like there is NO ONE else trying to get to some leather pants? I finally get into the store and it’s 3 levels. Already on the verge of cardiac arrest, I go up to the second level. Saw a cool hat so I picked it up but couldn’t find my tees or pants. So I go back down to the Fort Worth Zoo that is the bottom floor. Finally find a fabulous guy to lead me to the pants. He then tells me there is ONE pair left. I asked what size they are and as he is holding on to these pants like it’s the game ball from the Super Bowl; he asks “What size are you looking for?” I said “the smallest you have” for the next 5 minutes he is asking me to guess the size. I think he was so fired up he wanted the element of surprise to be “epic”. Dude for real, there are about 3 million people in this store right now I don’t even care about the pants I just want to get out unscathed. Finally he flamboyantly tells me “they are a 2!!!” Perfect…nope. That guy will never have a job guessing weight at the fair. I take them even though they are two sizes too big just because I felt I couldn’t let that guy down, he tried so hard and seems so enthusiastic. So I go BACK up stairs to grab some tees. Picked em’ up and came back down to check out because the checkout line was 78 people deep on the 2nd floor. I get on the escalator about to step off and the guy in front of me COMPLETELY STOPS at the bottom. I, at that moment, had an Asian embedded in my spine and my face was strategically placed right in this Russian dudes butt. I scream “WHOA BRO! YOU CAN’T STOP AT THE END OF AN ESCALATOR!” He turned around laughed and winked…come si dice GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT in Russian? Anyway I ended up going up to the maternity section on the third level because there was no line (what’s up using your brain!?) and checked out. After a woman paying in pennies and a little black boy named Rico climbing on my leg; I finally got out.
Moral of this story is, if I ever decide to go shopping again, it will be getting the 5 in a pack white tees, at Wal-Mart. I am going to learn the phrase “Are you in line?” in every single language or if anyone knows a personal shopper I would pay them in gum….
Happy Holidays :)